How to handle very nosey (and quite pushy) friend

fierystormcloud

Me and DH know this couple who we socialise with every 4- 5 weeks (drinks at the local pub.) We met them at the New Year's Eve do in the small town we live in, in December 2013.

They are OK, and fairly decent company, but are starting to become quite pushy this past 3-4 months, and they are very, very nosey.

Eg; I work part time for an employer (3 days a week) and have a little job that I do from home (5-10 hours a week,) and my husband works full time.

At least 6 times, she has asked how I manage to only work 3 days, and 'Steve must be on good money if you don't work full time' and 'what do you do on your four days off?' and 'you must get bored, why do you not work full time?' Our financial situation is none of their business, and frankly, we are absolutely fine.

Also, we mentioned (in January) that we are going to book a trip to New York this Spring/summer. At LEAST 10 times in the past 6 weeks, she has asked when we are going to New York, have we booked our New York trip yet? What dates are we planning on going? Are we still going? We will have to let them know when we are going!!!

When we go to the local pub and don't tell them, they (especially her) get offended, because we didn't tell them we were going!

They have asked us to their house about 20 times! We have been just 3 times, as we don't much like going to peoples house, and keep having to make excuses to not go. They have come to ours just once, because we HATE visitors. This is our sanctuary, and although we don't mind meeting up with people for coffee at Costa or for a beer at the pub, we don't want folk in our home. She has said about 6 times in 6 weeks 'we will have to come to yours next.' We just smile and change the subject.

This week, they were trying to fish for who we were voting for in the the election. They are just the type to judge us for whoever we vote for, (and tell everyone probably!)

She moans every waking hour about her job: she has changed jobs SEVEN times in 18 months. It's a wonder she can even get one now!

She struggles to fathom how we can afford the house we have if I 'only work 3 days.'

They (especially her) are just so nosey and inquisitive.

How would you handle them?

Please don't be horrible. I am just having a rant and a vent as she ONCE AGAIN asked 'when is your New York trip then?' today, when I saw her at the store, and I said (once again!) 'Not sure: soon I hope.' (We plan on booking it literally 2 weeks before we go!) I am questioning her motives in wanting to know so much about it. Why is she so interested?

I know you may well say 'if they are that bad, why don't you ditch them?' but it's not that easy, and they are OK sometimes, and can be a bit of a laugh.

Flyonthewall

As far as finance stuff goes I'd just be vague. So you've plenty to do around the house so don't get bored, maybe say you're good at budgeting so you're fine even though you work part time etc.

As far as houses go, I'd just be honest and say you're not keen on visitors and going to other people's homes. Maybe sa something along the lines of you prefer public places and you like the atmosphere there. Same goes for if they get offended when you go out without them. Either don't let them know or just be honest and say you want some alone time together but it's nice to go out for a bit and not be stuck at home or you have other friends you like to meet up with. Whatever the reason. If they don't understand that's their problem.

With the trip maybe they are trying to find out so they can book to go as well or suggest a trip together?

It sounds like they really like hanging out with you and/or just don't like it being just the two of them. Perhaps they feel the need to be with others and find out all about their lives, maybe because they're bored with their lives. She's obviously not happy with work if she's changed jobs so many times and keeps moaning and their interest in your finance suggests there's is poor and they can't understand how you can do so well.

It could just be that they don't realise they're being so nosey or that some people aren't as happy to share personal details as they (or others) are.

DaveTheMus

They seem like a nice couple who are taking an interest in their new friends.... You seem to be insecure and even paranoid...

How does your husband feel about them?

barbiedoll

One of my (ex) friends was like this. She asked me how much my engagement ring cost, she asked me how my husband was "in bed" and she also asked me how much he earned. We had been friends for many years and she considered herself "one of the family". Even my sister doesn't ask me how much my husband earns!

I found that the only way to put off the never-ending questions, is to answer each and every one with an outrageous, implausible and very obvious lie.

For instance, when she asks how you manage by only working 3 days a week, get your husband to jump in with something like..."Oh, she's got a very rich admirer who sends her money for naked webchats"

When she asks about the NY trip, tell her that you're waiting for repairs to your private plane to finish.

When asked who you voted for, tell her that you're not eligible to vote, but you cannot say why due to the Official Secrets Act.

You get my drift?

As for her moaning about you going to the pub without her, just ignore her. She has absolutely no right to muscle in on your social life so don't even think about meeting her any more than you want to. And definitely don't invite her round any more. If she asks why, just tell her that your one of your husband's venomous snakes escaped from a tank and you still haven't found it! :rotfl:

Kaye1

I have someone in my life like that! I have a small list of general platitudes, which I repeat forever. I'm my head, I call it the 'fudge list.' (As in fudging the issue....)


How my does OH earn? A: Not enough for us to retire on
What do you do all day? A: Peel grapes to eat on my lounger (I have 2 children!)
When are you doing XYZ? A: Not sure yet, you know us, we just plod along.......
Did XX tell you about YY? A: No idea, you know I can't even remember what day it is......


Today, someone at school asked me how I'd voted- I said, 'Mine your own business.' They looked quite surprised because they had told me and just expected me to share.


Just get yourself a list ready in your head and keep repeating- they will get bored!

Indie_Kid

DaveTheMus wrote: »

They seem like a nice couple who are taking an interest in their new friends.... You seem to be insecure and even paranoid...

How does your husband feel about them?

There's taking an interest in your new friends and being pushy. This couple are clearly being the latter. Why does other peoples' financial situations matter?

Hoipolloi

Explain quite simply, that you don't like discussing your private lives with those outside your immediate family/your relationship. That you wouldn't dream of asking anyone about such private matters as income, for example.

Make it clear she will get no other responses from you and she will stop asking, eventually.

PlutoinCapricorn

I prefer people who lead up to personal questions gradually, and stop asking when they sense that they are causing discomfort.

It all seems very uncivilised to me and I would not want such people in my life.

PlutoinCapricorn

Some people 'share' everything (TMI) and expect others to do the same. They lack the concept of personal privacy.

Money_maker

barbiedoll wrote: »

she asked me how my husband was "in bed"

What did you say? Better than your husband :rotfl:

bylromarha

I'd do a mix of friendly retort "Blimey, you're noisy aren't you?", vagueness like you're already doing "Soon I hope", and cheekyness like Kaye mentioned.

Some people don't understand the house thing - we love having people round our house, but never expect an invite back.

Sounds like she can just have a bit of an annoying side at times and needs to get over herself when you have a life of your own without inviting her. Sounds a little insecure to me.

If you enjoy their company, stick with them, but accept that you'll continue needing to vent every now and then as their behaviour is unlikely to change.