Advice on 16 year old daughter please.

susancs

dug123 wrote: »

She is surly and has no social skills.
I am not a good parent because I have no idea how to cope with it. I wish I was.

Of course you are a good parent as you obviously care, love your DD dearly despite everything and put her first. It is just teenage coping strategies that you need to find to deal with this phase.

duchy

She's sixteen - If she wants to grow her hair long or shave it all off or dye it purple - it is her choice. With all the problems going on at home -it seems the least of your problems. Frankly threatening to cut it off if she doesn't get it trimmed sounds very controlling and is not age appropriate.

Do you and she talk ?
About what she wants from life, about how her day was, about her Mum?

She's not a child anymore- she's a young woman - but you speak about her as a young child.

Does she have friends her own age ?
You mention not going out -and playing x box and watching TV -but not mention of her socializing -just you. Not socializing at sixteen is unusual.

You say money isn't a massive issue - do you go places together, go on holiday, does she have an allowance so she can afford to join in social activities at college or even just go out with people at college ?

Again she's a young woman - a lot of her childhood was restricted because of her Mum's illness -in some ways you need to encourage her to move forward socially as that aspect of her development was different to some of her peers.

Would you consider a holiday with her-maybe somewhere in the sun -a change of scenary and something you could decide on together (not you choosing but something she has equal say in -again she's not a child so she gets a say) perhaps spending time together in a new enviroment might help ?

Flyonthewall

I get why your son won't talk to her, but being closest to her age and in the same position during them years perhaps it would help if she saw things from his side. The two obviously dealt with it very differently.

Maybe if he won't talk in person he could write a short letter or record a short video message. Too long and I imagine she'll probably ignore it. But it might just show her that she wasn't alone in how she was feeling.

You are not a bad parent because of this. It was hard for you to cope during that time and you did the best you could. It was a very difficult situation and at the time you dealt with it how you saw it. There is no simple solution or magic formula on how to cope going through something like that.

You did the best you could and you're still trying. You care. That is never a bad thing.

You say she won't have a sensible conversation, but perhaps she feels you're treating her like a kid and/or that you'll just keep repeating yourself, perhaps blame her for how it has all gone. She doesn't want that. It's hard to persuade someone that won't be the case if you talk so maybe it's time to try communicating differently.

If she won't talk then why not give her some paper and just ask her to write down how she feels or what she wants to happen and what changes she'd like to see. Tell her to be honest and you'll then consider what she's written and the two of you can work out where to go from there. Assure that they'll be no bad consequences for what she writes. So, for example, if she says she wants long hair you won't force her to cut it and you won't yell at her because what she wants isn't what you want.

She may just rip up the paper, but at least you tried. She may, however, see this as a chance to say what she wants without any instant comeback. She may not write down everything, but anything would be a start.

You may be able to think of a better way, but it's just an idea.

Errata

She sounds extremely disturbed and has been for some years. TBH that's not helped by you having to stop your son from strangling her, you threatening to cut her hair and you controlling her apps and you believing you can prevent her from working. She's angry, you're angry, her brother's angry, her grandparents get called in to man the trenches. If you want to find a way out of this chaos then perhaps you would be helped by some professional support.

Rainsey

Have you considered counselling for yourself? You have both been through a lot and it may help you explore the way you act towards your daughter.

I have a 16 year old as well and I definitely have to pick my battles. If she's never been to a hairdressers then how about a mobile hairdresser coming to your house? Or to Grandmas and you all get your hair cut. Do you have any female relatives who might take her shopping/ girly day out? She does sound like she has low self esteem.

My daughter did the National Citizen Scheme last summer and it really changed her, from being quite shy she is now far more confident and outgoing and has kept up the friendships she made as well.

Although you won't consider a relationship, do you go out at all? If she sees you just staying in all the time then she's just doing what you do. Could you join a gym together, go walking and have some days out? Ask her to join you as you feel nervous doing things like that on your own - might not be true but could help build bridges with her?

MissKeith

What do you like about your daughter? Have you ever told her what you like about her?

I live with my family and my sister, on paper, is the perfect daughter. Did very well at school, graduated Uni with a first class honours degree, got her dream job immediately, has a lovely boyfriend, a wonderful group of friends and just is generally "perfect". Growing up, even now as an adult, I feel negatively compared to her. I'm a good person, a nice person but not necessarily as successful as my sister, I have made mistakes and have always felt like the black sheep of the family. My mum is very negative towards me and seems to resent me for not being like my sister. I feel that she doesn't like me and wishes I was exactly like my sister. I am held to a much higher standard than her which can feel very demeaning.

I remember being a teenager thinking "what's the point in trying to please my mum when nothing is ever good enough for her and won't be until I morph into my sister?" and being a stroppy teenager, I gave up trying.

Perhaps there's some sibling rivalry related resentment bubbling under the surface? You don't seem to like her very much (which is understandable considering the circumstances) and she probably senses it and acts out. Have you ever sat down with her and really talked about things without judging her response?

CRANKY40

My late husband's family have spent 5 years whinging to all and sundry that I don't let them see my son. Lots of people believe them and I was given a slating on facebook from one "concerned family friend". Luckily my proper friends know the truth which is that my late husband's mother has visited family in another country more often than she has actually tried to see my son and the last time I asked her if she wanted to spend time with him she told me that she was too busy and had her own life to lead. We moved away last year and my son requested that I did not give the family my new address.

Your daughter has probably done something similar. She has found a friendly listening ear and has poured into it her version of how she sees things and possibly with a little bit of drama added in for emphasis on how awful you are. Would it be worth seeing these people without your daughter and explaining some of what has gone on and how worried you are. They obviously care too or they wouldn't have offered her somewhere to stay (better than being a runaway on the streets). They just may not have heard the entire truth about life at home.

I do realise that you've all had a hard time. Believe me I've lived through some of the trauma although my husband dropped dead rather than having a lingering death. You really need to start again if she'll let you. I know she's been horrible but her life was horrible and kids aren't really equipped to deal with it. What about suggesting to her that you both try to do one thing a week for each other that will make the other person happy. Maybe let her have her phone all night on a Friday or Saturday night say when she doesn't have to be up early? She could make you a drink without being asked. Small beginnings......

peachyprice

dug123 wrote: »

on Thursday I told her she had to have her haircut it is long and lank, she said she wouldn’t and I told her that if she didn’t then I would cut it when I got home


They explained that they had talked to my daughter and the cruelty and abuse is because I have an app on her phone which turns off all her apps at 9 0 clock at night until 8 0 clock in the morning (to stop her being on facebook all night!) and her phone can only make phone calls during these hours

I'm sorry to hear of your troubles but you treating her like a child isn't helping.

At 17 she can choose how she wants to wear her hair, you can't bully her into wearing it how you wants it.

And switching everything off at 9pm? Really? This is not monitoring out of concern, it's controlling. 9pm is a curfew you set for a 12 yo child not a young adult. She must be so embarrassed that you are treating her like a little girl.

TBH, I can see why she wants to leave home.

purpleshoes_2

I got less than halfway down the first post before I thought, sounds like the girl is suffering from depression. No motivation, can't be bothered. Not taking care of herself. Classic signs of depression.

purpleshoes_2

And you want to batter someone and spray beware groomer on his car!!!! You want to stop her working even though it might be the one thing that gets her out of bed and you want to cut her hair off!!!!

Sounds like you've had a truly terrible time of it. But if I were your daughter I'd be moving out until you could treat her with respect, she's 16, you are the adult here.