Advice on 16 year old daughter please.

j.e.j.

Errata wrote: »

She sounds extremely disturbed and has been for some years. TBH that's not helped by you having to stop your son from strangling her, you threatening to cut her hair and you controlling her apps and you believing you can prevent her from working. She's angry, you're angry, her brother's angry, her grandparents get called in to man the trenches. If you want to find a way out of this chaos then perhaps you would be helped by some professional support.

It does sound like a VERY dysfunctional family. In fact it sounds like one of those families they used to show on 'Worlds Strictest Parents'!

OP you're all hurting and you're all dealing with what happened in different (and unhelpful) ways. Bereavement is painful, but life has to go on. The girl really needs to learn this.

I also think it might be helpful for her to be in another environment for a while, and for all the family to get help (as individuals), if it's available.

Leave the haircut, that's really the least of your worries!!

Beckyy

You must have had an extremely difficult few years and I can't even imagine what it's been like for you all. However, your daughter is as good as an adult in her own right now and I don't think monitoring and restricting her access to apps and general freedom is going to do anything other than make the situation worse. You can't maintain it forever and it will only drive more of a wedge between you. Many people move out and living independently at 16/17, you are fighting a losing battle if you carry on trying to treat her like a child instead of an adult.

I would remove all control from her social media. Some people may disagree but I wholeheartedly do not think it's appropriate. Bullying or not you will not be able to stop her. Many teenagers would find a way to remove or bypass the restriction themselves IMO. I would leave her appearance to her also, offer assistance with haircuts if you think she may need one but it is her choice at the end of the day and if she says no I would respect that.

Would some kind of family counselling be something you would consider? It might be an outlet for speaking openly to each other about how things are making you feel and what you can all do to improve your relationships.

Maybe going out for a meal yourselves and trying to spend some quality time together and remind yourself of the positive parts of your relationship. Talk to her as an adult and explain how you're feeling, and ask her and discuss how you can improve your father/daughter relationship. If you talk to her like an adult you're far more likely to get an adult reply back, if you try to be controlling (intentionally or not) it will not have the desired effect.

littlerat

Ok, I'm coming from a position of somebody who lost her mother as a teenager.

Firstly, your daughter is 16. She can legally leave home, have children, and very soon also join the military and drive. You're stunted in your views of her, she's not a little 11 year old now. You can control when your internet and phone is used, it's up to you if you pay for non-essentials, but her choice in social media usage is hers. Her hair cut, or lack of them, her choice.
Let me put it this way, if you don't think your parents have a right to control something in your life, you have no right to control it in hers. You are as much damaged and stunted as she is. Your brother tried to strangle a young teenager, you seem to sympathise with him for that sort of violence. You are being at least borderline abusive.

I'm being blunt as I think it's what's needed, not because I think you're intending to do things wrong.

The other side, is that this sounds like very typical depression, as has been said. I've been there - I am there. The sooner it's treated the better. Even cruelty and anger aren't uncommon signs, especially in teenagers. Depression distorts everything, she may not really know she's doing it, she may believe others are being cruel to her first. Depression is far, far more than the "sadness" people depict it to be, that may be the least of the issues with it.

Talking to her, getting her to a GP, those are the important things. If she can keep her job, that's important, the desire to withdraw can become vicious. She may not agree it's depression, but she needs help, that's the one thing you should try and get her to do.


Finally, nobody knows what to do in these situations. There's no manual, no simple "do this, this and this, everyone will turn out fine". When teenagers lose parents it messes their world up - from what I've seen, maybe more than with younger children. There's no simple answer to that.

Also consider counselling yourself. The control could be grief - it sounds basic, but you lost your wife, the idea of your daughter growing up and going may be what is making your viewpoint distorted. You need to come to terms with your loss, often when people are busy dealing with their kids, they forget that.

Armchair23

Wow lots of stuff going on here.

Your daughter is 16/17 and her hair is her own business not yours.
Maybe because it's something you can see and attempt to influence it's your way of trying to bring order to a time and situation that is difficult and painful for you both.

I think you'd both benefit from a third party acting as a go between. So you both get to say what concerns you have and maybe find some common ground. So whether it's family therapy or whatever it would be worth seeking out. It seems like grandparents and older brother have quite firm opinions already formed so they aren't the way to go.

Yup, the motley crew trouble you, but it doesn't mean they're evil child groomers. The lack of real communication between you and your daughter means you don't know how she feels and what she shares with these people.

Even in families with no loss or trauma there are endless arguments during the teen years and beyond. Cut your daughter some slack, let her know you love her and let things take their course.

It's hard to be the single parent but you have to let your kids grow up even when you disapprove of their choices. So make sure she knows you'll be right there for her when she wants to come to you for love and advice.

FBaby

Dug, I suspect that this family have offered to take your daughter on because of things she has told them that is happening at home. Now either she is completely lying and making things up, in which case, why does she feels the need to make up such lies when it is clearly going to put you in such a bad situation or, and I expect is more likely to be the case, she is experiencing her life with you in a very different way that you are seeing it.

The issue with the hair maybe is one exemple of it. Could it be that you do over-protected her? -understandable- That you lose your calm with her? -understandable, that your attitute towards her reflects the frustration and disappointment you feel for her? -understandable?

Sometimes when things get to the point when communication so obstructed that it only comes out negatively, stepping away from each other can be the best thing for all. I understand that you don't know these people and good on you as a dad to not be prepared to let her go and stay with total strangers, but what if instead of seeing them as the enemy you considered them as maybe a family that could indeed help? Meet with them, discuss your concerns, what they could offer your daughter? If it could give you a chance to breath a bit and remember that you are also a human being in need of comfort, care and attention? And if your daugther could feel that she can be herself without being observed and judged, so that maybe it would give her the chance to finally appreciate all you are doing for her?

It might not be right for anyone, but could it be worth considering?

Gavin83

You do realise that your daughter can go and live with these people and there is nothing you can do about it? She's 16 and she is legally allowed to leave home without your consent. The fact the police returned with her suggests to me she asked to come home.

She's not a child anymore and you have to let her do her own thing and make her own mistakes. You can't go on controlling her to this degree.

GlasweJen

You sound like a control freak.

I've lost the plot with my siblings a few times but never tried to strangle one, this is real life not an episode of the Simpsons! What consequences did your son face when he assaulted his sister?

Also why would you ask a child to watch her terminally ill mother while you did chores? Particularly when she was in therapy trying to come to terms with said terminal illness? Way to rub her face in the situation, could your son not have helped?

You say your daughter is nasty - where did she learn that? Couldn't possibly be from her violent older brother and her control freak dad.

I'd seriously be looking for some therapy for yourself. What are you going to do if your future partner has long hair and wants to browse Facebook at 10pm? Pin her down and cut her hair and install a blocker app on her phone?

I'm calling troll.

FBaby

If I had to advise someone else on coping with her I would say for starters assume everything she says is a lie and that is as close to the truth as you will ever get.

Just to comment on that. I've worked with troubled teenagers, and this was a massive issue for many of them. Indeed, they would have a history of lying and as a result having to deal with people who mistrusted them, teachers, parents, friends etc... The problem is that they couldn't understand that it took more than stopping to lie for a week or so to regain trust or that when you've lied for so long, people assume everything is a lie even when it isn't. They would get massively hurt that when they said the truth once and no-one believed them. They saw it that they made a genuine effort and yet it wasn't rewarded, so often thought 'what's the point'. This often result in them losing trust in others and the cycle of lie and deception and mistrust is well established.

That's why I really do think that the best that could happen for both of you is if she could indeed go and live somewhere else, somewhere where maybe she could start being a bit more honest and people who haven't dealt with all her lies and deceptions could actually be in a position to trust her. Maybe then she could start to learn that trust is something that is earnt, not something given when convenient. Maybe then she will be able to start to appreciate the impact her behaviour has had on you and how she put you in a corner.

Something tells me that this time will happen. It is incredible how some teenagers can turn from the evil child to really loving and caring young adults. Until she does get through her anger and feeling let down by everyone around her though, she is unlikely to want, let be able to make any changes.

Corelli

OP, what a horribly difficult situation you and your daughter are in, and by extension the rest of the family. 16 is not an easy age at the best of times,and having to cope with losing your mother must make it nigh on impossible

Some sort of mediation between you and your daughter seems the way to go, if you will both accept this.

Presumably your GP would be the place to start looking for something on the NHS,or this looks like it could be useful. http://www.nfm.org.uk/

When two people are having such difficulties with each other someone has to be brave and try to open communication. You are her father, could you approach her in a spirit of wanting to move on? Perhaps an apology for treating her like a younger child, and saying you want to work on your relationship?

Only if you can. You've been through hell and done your utmost for your wife and children, now here is the last stretch. Have you the energy? Have you sources of support other than your parents? If you don't, I too would like to suggest counseling for yourself. Again, the GP would be your first port of call, or CRUSE might be worth trying. Locally we have a community low cost counseling service that has greatly benefited me. Benefiting me has benefited my family as I have support to help me deal with my own son.

Wishing you all the best.

SnooksNJ

Armchair23 wrote: »

Wow lots of stuff going on here.

Your daughter is 16/17 and her hair is her own business not yours.
Maybe because it's something you can see and attempt to influence it's your way of trying to bring order to a time and situation that is difficult and painful for you both.

I think you'd both benefit from a third party acting as a go between. So you both get to say what concerns you have and maybe find some common ground. So whether it's family therapy or whatever it would be worth seeking out. It seems like grandparents and older brother have quite firm opinions already formed so they aren't the way to go.

Yup, the motley crew trouble you, but it doesn't mean they're evil child groomers. The lack of real communication between you and your daughter means you don't know how she feels and what she shares with these people.

Even in families with no loss or trauma there are endless arguments during the teen years and beyond. Cut your daughter some slack, let her know you love her and let things take their course.

It's hard to be the single parent but you have to let your kids grow up even when you disapprove of their choices. So make sure she knows you'll be right there for her when she wants to come to you for love and advice.

My reaction was the daughter needs an older person whom she can confide in and try to smooth things over. Like the female Motley Crew woman. But she is an enabler. Instead of saying the daughter can move in she should say something like Father's tend to be very strict with their daughters because they don't want to believe they are growing up. But at they end of the day Father's love their daughters and will always be there for them.