Advice on 16 year old daughter please.

restless6

Your daughter is 16/17, so not a child - it is up to her whether she wants her hair cut.
Let her be a young woman, not treating her like an 11yr old child.

Your posts feels negative towards your daughter, as if there is some resentment from you that she didnt help you out whilst your wife was dying.
It wasnt your daughters job to sit with her mum whilst you did chores etc.
you also say you have no social life as you cannot leave her alone at night?!! Really - at her age she would probably relish the time at home without you for a while.
It is not her fault you have no social life. Get out there and do something, maybe this will make you feel better and not blame everything on your daughter.

It sounds like your daughter is reaching out to this other family as maybe they allow her to be who she really wants to be.

Do you ever talk to your daughter to see how she feels and what would make her feel happier?
Instead of running to your parents everytime there is an argument or disagreement?
How would you handle things if you couldnt run to your mum or dad all the time?
Your daughter has had to grow up quicker than she should have and you dont appear to have acknowledged this and as for switching her devices off at 9pm? Really - is this for real?

To be honest, without sounding too judgmental, i am not suprised she wanted to move out.
You need to lighten up. And yes whatever she talks about in her counselling sessions is confidential and so it should be. If you want to be involved then go for family therapy instead of expecting her to sort herself out!

dug123

Mrshaworth2b wrote: »

I lost my mum at 20, she was ill from when I was 14 and I went off the rails, I saw a lot of damaging things throughout my life and it has scarred me emotionally and probably will for many years to come.

After reading your post I just wanted to say a couple of things and hope you think about them. You've assumed your daughter was angry at your wife for being ill and dying, why would she be angry at your wife, maybe she is angry at the world, at your wife's condition, maybe she's angry that her friends have mum's that are well, there are lots of things that she may have been angry about and I truly think that you need to sit down and hear her, hear what she was or is actually angry with.

Being an outsider, reading your post sounds liked you are exasperated at the events from the last few years, the lack of respect, the lack of help from her. If you intend to hold on to all of this you are going to struggle to move forward with your daughter. I believe your lacking in communication, you said your daughter had councilling, have you also sat and chatted to her and opened up? You all lost someone very special, you will all be grieving, all at different times.

This other woman has obviously listened to your daughter and not come to speak to you about it, most adults would, I question why this is the first time you see her when she's telling you YOUR daughter is moving out. Could you speak to her? Once you have calmed down, it may not be grooming but more misguided actions from what your daughter has said.

Last but not least, sort this now before your daughter up and leaves of her own accord, she's lost one parent, she needs you.

Sorry if any of this offends, I'm just trying to help if I can

Hi, I am not at all offended, I wish I could just do something but one of our problems is that my daughter will not talk to anyone at all (me or her grandparents) and I know the counsellors had problems talking to her


AS for the motley crew, I would not trust myself to talk to them, they are strange and their motives and actions are just not right.

Make-it-3

Can't just read and run. You and your daughter have both had a very hard few years, but nothing from what you describe makes me believe these people (motley crew) are groomers.

I agree, I think they have been an outlet for your daughter's feelings over a very hard time in her life. The things she have told them have been HER side of the story and no doubt over dramatised given the situation she was in and teenage hormones raging. Even if they recognise this, they care about her and she came to them when she wanted help. They may have given her more support than the counsellor.

I'm sure it must be hard to provide the listening support she needs when you have been through so much yourself. I wonder if you need to review where you are at with her - maybe if she is given a bit more responsibility ie decide for herself when/if she needs a haircut and not restricting her social media usage so severely in exchange for helping round the house a bit more etc.

Also, I wonder if its worth getting in touch with this woman from the motley crew and explaining your over-reaction/trying to understand the place she has in your daughter's life. It might be quite enlightening.

Slinky

Not being funny about this, but has your daughter ever visited a hairdressers? My mother always used to cut my hair (not that I particularly wanted her to, she didn't want to pay money when she could save it by cutting it herself). Then she !!!!!!ed off and left us when I was 15. I just let my hair grow and grow because I was too shy to go to a hairdressers and get it cut. I'd never been in a hairdressers, mother never took me in even when she got her own done. Finally I plucked up the courage at the age of 17 to go and get it all cut short. People didn't recognise me.

Could there be a reason she doesn't want to get it cut that you haven't thought of.

dug123

restless6 wrote: »

Your daughter is 16/17, so not a child - it is up to her whether she wants her hair cut.
Let her be a young woman, not treating her like an 11yr old child.

Your posts feels negative towards your daughter, as if there is some resentment from you that she didnt help you out whilst your wife was dying.
It wasnt your daughters job to sit with her mum whilst you did chores etc.
you also say you have no social life as you cannot leave her alone at night?!! Really - at her age she would probably relish the time at home without you for a while.
It is not her fault you have no social life. Get out there and do something, maybe this will make you feel better and not blame everything on your daughter.

It sounds like your daughter is reaching out to this other family as maybe they allow her to be who she really wants to be.

Do you ever talk to your daughter to see how she feels and what would make her feel happier?
Instead of running to your parents everytime there is an argument or disagreement?
How would you handle things if you couldnt run to your mum or dad all the time?
Your daughter has had to grow up quicker than she should have and you dont appear to have acknowledged this and as for switching her devices off at 9pm? Really - is this for real?

To be honest, without sounding too judgmental, i am not suprised she wanted to move out.
You need to lighten up. And yes whatever she talks about in her counselling sessions is confidential and so it should be. If you want to be involved then go for family therapy instead of expecting her to sort herself out!

Thank you for your reply, it is interesting to hear both sides. But yes it is my choice to stay in until she is 18. I would not ever consider any type of relationship whilst my daughter is in her nasty mode.
As for turning her apps (facebook) off at 9.0 clock the reason is historical, she has been banned from facebook many times as she is a bully. Last summer I paid for her to go on an outward bounds type course with her friends which was 3 weeks long. A week away in a castle then a week camping then a week playing games. She was banned after a few days and I was told she was not welcome back because she was bullying another girl on from the holiday on facebook. She denied it (of course) but her parents had taken screen shots and approached the organisers because they were concerned about their daughters safety. This is what I have had for years. The only reason she is allowed on facebook is because that is how her college communicate with her and if they didn't use facebook I would not allow it. This was probably the sixth time something like this happened.
She will not communicate. You cannot have a sensible conversation with her.
She doe not want anything at all except to lie in bed on her xbox and facebook.
If I had to advise someone else on coping with her I would say for starters assume everything she says is a lie and that is as close to the truth as you will ever get.
She is surly and has no social skills.
I am not a good parent because I have no idea how to cope with it. I wish I was.

FatVonD

I agree your daughter may have exaggerated how bad things are but you are being way to controlling threatening to cut her hair and no social media after 9pm is treating her like a baby when she is nearly an adult.

The couple don't sound fantastic but you need to choose your battles if you don't want your daughter to end up living there.

dug123

Slinky wrote: »

Not being funny about this, but has your daughter ever visited a hairdressers? My mother always used to cut my hair (not that I particularly wanted her to, she didn't want to pay money when she could save it by cutting it herself). Then she !!!!!!ed off and left us when I was 15. I just let my hair grow and grow because I was too shy to go to a hairdressers and get it cut. I'd never been in a hairdressers, mother never took me in even when she got her own done. Finally I plucked up the courage at the age of 17 to go and get it all cut short. People didn't recognise me.

Could there be a reason she doesn't want to get it cut that you haven't thought of.

Yes she has been plenty of times and probably 2 or 3 times on her own.

susancs

I think that as she is at college, it might be best to contact them and ask for some support. As she appears to get on with her gandparents, maybe get them to sit her down and explain how worried you are about her and that you both need help and that you will be asking the college for it (rather than just saying she has the problem as this would probably get her back up). In college there will be pastoral care and they will have access to counselling. As the mother of teenagers, I would agree with the poster who said that you have to pick your battles carefully as little things can blow up out of all proportion, in other words don't sweat the small stuff. I find it is often better to ask questions and let them come to their own decision. For example with a haircut, I will say, do you think your hair needs cutting? Of course I get the no, stay out of my business attitude. I don't comment or get sucked into arguing and a few days later, I get the "Mum, I think my hair needs cutting". I don't smile or say I told you so and just say "Ok, shall we get it done today". Teens in my experience could pick a fight with themselves, so I just don't rise to the bait. It does get better in my experience as my nearly 18 year old DD is mostly over the worst of this phase.

You sound like a very loving and caring Dad and I am sure you will come out the other side of this teenage phase. I was lucky as alot of my friends DDs were going through the same, so we used to let off steam when we met up or on the phone (when the teens were safely out of the way). Maybe there are some teenage behaviour managment courses near you, that you could join, to see you are not alone and this is often "normal" teenage behaviour. Sometimes sharing things and hearing strategies that worked or did not work for other parents might help.

FatVonD

I'm sure she can be just as much of a bully before 9pm as after.

restless6

dug123 wrote: »

Thank you for your reply, it is interesting to hear both sides. But yes it is my choice to stay in until she is 18. I would not ever consider any type of relationship whilst my daughter is in her nasty mode.
As for turning her apps (facebook) off at 9.0 clock the reason is historical, she has been banned from facebook many times as she is a bully. Last summer I paid for her to go on an outward bounds type course with her friends which was 3 weeks long. A week away in a castle then a week camping then a week playing games. She was banned after a few days and I was told she was not welcome back because she was bullying another girl on from the holiday on facebook. She denied it (of course) but her parents had taken screen shots and approached the organisers because they were concerned about their daughters safety. This is what I have had for years. The only reason she is allowed on facebook is because that is how her college communicate with her and if they didn't use facebook I would not allow it. This was probably the sixth time something like this happened.
She will not communicate. You cannot have a sensible conversation with her.
She doe not want anything at all except to lie in bed on her xbox and facebook.
If I had to advise someone else on coping with her I would say for starters assume everything she says is a lie and that is as close to the truth as you will ever get.
She is surly and has no social skills.
I am not a good parent because I have no idea how to cope with it. I wish I was.

Think of the atmosphere in your house. It is hard to step out of negative thinking but if this is how you view her then she will definitely pick up on it and behave accordingly.

Do you do anything together? Play sports, watch films , play the xbox with her, go out for dinner - just the two of you, anything at all that can give you some time that is positive.

It sounds like she has painfully low self esteem and you are her only parent left and you are not building her up either.
Start with small steps, say some nice positive remarks to her, even if it is hard for you to do so. Tell her she looks nice and then she might start to care for herself a bit more, if she feels that is worthy and cared for by others.
Remember - for every negative comment we give someone, three positive comments back!