Nice People Thread No. 14, all Nice and Proper

Doozergirl

silvercar wrote: »

Continuing....advice needed.

DS2 is going to be with GF family over Xmas. Should he give a general present to all the family? Individual presents for each member of the household/ their extended family?

In context I have received a chanukah present from DS2-GF. Flowers in a box arrived with a sweet note. (Told you she was nice!)

I am slightly peeved that DS2 is going to be away. We don't really celebrate Xmas, but his brother will be home and it is nice to have the family together, now DS1 is going to moan that it is boring being home with no brother around and the house will be less jolly with the noisy child missing. Plus board games for 4 people work less well than for 3.

I can see the logic of him going there, she isn't going to miss Xmas with her family and I suppose they want to be together, but I do like to have both my chicks in the nest.

If it were my partner I was taking home, my present to everyone would be from 'both of us'. If someone is in a couple, then gifts are always given from couples to indivuals, in my experience. eg. I will receive a gift from aunt and uncle, MIL and FIL, SIL and her husband. "We" give presents to each person in return. It would be mayhem otherwise, and everyone knows that in the main, men don't do the bulk of christmas shopping.

It would be nice to take some family boxes of chocolates and wine/flowers along for the family to give when they arrive, like a gift to the hosts. Just to show that you are grateful for the hospitality over the holidays. I'd be a bit generous with that, given the amount of time he's staying and the cost of Christmas.

Losing the kids at Xmas is part of their flying the nest. The upside of your not really celebrating Christmas and her family doing so is that while you might miss him, you won't be sharing your children/grandchildren with the other family at your important times of year in future.

PasturesNew

Doozergirl wrote: »

If someone is in a couple, then gifts are always given from couples to indivuals, in my experience.

But are they a "couple", or just bf/gf?

I'd think that, to most people in the family, she's still seen as her - and he's the bf. They're not a "couple" unless they're older/lived together for over a year, married, got kids, etc etc.

So I'd say they're still received/perceived as "X and her bf" in the hosting family and by all the members.

I bet SC doesn't see them as a "couple", but her son and his gf.

Doozergirl

PasturesNew wrote: »

But are they a "couple", or just bf/gf?

I'd think that, to most people in the family, she's still seen as her - and he's the bf. They're not a "couple" unless they're older/lived together for over a year, married, got kids, etc etc.

So I'd say they're still received/perceived as "X and her bf" in the hosting family and by all the members.

I bet SC doesn't see them as a "couple", but her son and his gf.

I'd say he should get a bottle of booze and a shared present of a tin of biscuits/Quality Street. A token "covers everybody" present.

Reading far too much into it, in my view. It's about being polite, not making a social statement.

They're spending Christmas together. They are a couple. Inviting your other half for Christmas with the family and their sacrificing Christmas with theirs is a big deal, not a small one.

If married couples are not required to buy their own individual presents each for everyone else, then a new partner certainly shouldn't be required to buy presents for everyone as an individual.

BUT I would not want to sit like an idiot on Xmas day while people give me gifts (which they will/should as part of a family christmas) and my partner gave individual gifts to the family and there is actually nothing from me but some wine and chocs that I should have given upon arriving, out of courtesy as a house-guest anyway. Any awkwardness is solved just by writing two names in the 'from' section.

Whenever I have had boyfriends and spent Xmas with them, everyone got me a present - regardless of how small, in the same way that they do now. I would have felt like poo if I had not reciprocated, or been seen to. For the sake of writing an extra name on a tag - it save any awkwardness of who bought what for whom, or whether they did at all.

silvercar

I bet SC doesn't see them as a "couple", but her son and his gf.

I don't, but that could well be because I am being possessive of my baby!

New game on both sides as she is the eldest in her family, so doubt there have been any long term BFs from out of the area in the past (I don't actually know anything about her history).

Spirit_2

ivyleaf wrote: »

I must admit I love their sausage rolls and mince pies

i have never had anything from Greggs. Lack of opportunity. OH speaks highly of them although is currently giving them a wide berth to reduce carb intake.

michaels

Wow - I am not sure I would have taken on several days of xmas at GFs house - 1 day only would be plenty. I did drive thousands of miles on the motorway in a mini from age 17 including all round europe at age 18.

Presnt I think a present to whole family from you and another to GF, up to DS what he does for presents.

Spirit_2

silvercar wrote: »

Continuing....advice needed.

DS2 is going to be with GF family over Xmas. Should he give a general present to all the family? Individual presents for each member of the household/ their extended family?

In context I have received a chanukah present from DS2-GF. Flowers in a box arrived with a sweet note. (Told you she was nice!)
We don't really celebrate Xmas, but his brother will be home and it is nice to have the family together, now DS1 is going to moan that it is boring being home with no brother around and the house will be less jolly with the noisy child missing. Plus board games for 4 people work less well than for 3.

I can see the logic of him going there, she isn't going to miss Xmas with her family and I suppose they want to be together, but I do like to have both my chicks in the nest.

Cheer up.

Are you suggesting you would prefer that he forgoes being with his romantic love to share their annual ritual celebration so he can make up the numbers in your nuclear famiy.

In return do you promise not to make him feel guilty if he and G/f decline your significant festival celebration to spend it doing something for the convenience of her family.

Your chick is fledging, his sibling will have to put his long trousers on and play by himself. Faced with a choice between monopoly or sex any 20 something bloke is not going to be wanting to land on Old Kent Road.

Spirit_2

SC on the present giving, I would give a personal gift to her mum/dad and a joint pressie to siblings and something for grandparents ( cover those present on Christmas day.)

Spirit_2

Our Christmases are mercifully uneventful, they have developed a rythym and are easy. There is breathing space in the morning as those who want to go to church go, and dd goes off and does horses. The food is good but traditional, we don't watch much TV, try to fit in a family walk ( we say it is Ben's present to us) . Last year was a bit of a trial for oh as the stress of producing "our" Christmas on top of dealing with my stroke was all a bit much. Over the years we have not fallen into a routine of spending it with the same people year in year out so no one has been put out by us doing our own thing. Last year we invited a couple of Chinese friends for lunch. they are coming agin this year. dd's bf will be here for the first time and as luck would have it he and the chap, get on like a house on fire. OHs nephew is hosting oHs family incl us on boxing day. OH had a days shooting but has given it away as it is more important we join in with this. Nephew and his wife ae both in Emergency Services and working Christmas and boxing day shifts. They have two small children and we feel that if they can make the effort to host us, then we would like to go.

My childhood Christmases had too much drama in them. Whilst in adulthood I have chosen to give all Drama Queens a wide berth. .

There have been unavoidable events ( visiting someone loved in ICU) on xmas day but no dramas.

Doozergirl

I've had good Christmas days. I think that variety is a good thing.

I think the pressure does build when you do the same thing year in year out or generally feel obliged. At that point, I'd mix it up.

I've spent a few Christmas Days with no extended family, just friends, and I like those.

My SIL started to get a bit ownerous over having it theirs, because have a massive house, but it was full of old people, the kids weren't really allowed to play (ours are the only kids) and BILs parents would insist that we eat at 12 - which I think is taking the proverbial when it was me cooking every year. Getting out of bed at 7am is not my strong point on a normal day.

So we stopped doing it. This year is a bit unpredictable as the BIL is not speaking to us, yet Doozer's other sister has arrived from Canada today. Note, we are not invited to their big house today.

The PIL are taking us to a hotel that serves bad food. I don't even know who will be there. Not even my family.