Telling my daughters BF to leave the home

Errata

3. DD was 'shown' nasal matter, she cleaned it up!
4. DD also cleans the toilet rim, after he has sprayed everywhere! (I forgot to tell you about that!!)

Looks like the DD is happy to enable his squalid behaviour,or he's turned her into a doormat. Neither of those options indicate a match made in heaven.

itsanne

sussexchick wrote: »

Thank you all so much for all your comments, as I said before, he's denied all knowledge, saying its not acceptable that he's being blamed for it, has made a phone call to someone, and now he's moving out! in less than 30 mins! .... I even said to my DD, that I had no intention of just 'throwing him out onto the streets'!, I gave him time to find somewhere else to live, but no, he's thrown all toys out of his pram and he's off! .. my DD is just devastated, she's now gone out! but she does know that his behaviour is totally unacceptable. She even agreed with me! .......

sussexchick wrote: »

Yes I have spoilt him - I treated him like one of my own. He's adamant that he's not responsible for the mess, I know for a fact its no one else!, no one has even visited for the past 2 weeks! So now he's gone! yes!, already!, packed his bat & ball and left me and DD in an emotional mess.

Even if it upset you and your daughter, leaving so quickly is actually the best thing that could have happened. Waiting until he found somewhere else if he didn't actually look would have been far more stressful, and he could have decided to be more deliberately awkward / destructive.

I'd second the advice re changing the locks even though he's given you the keys, and make sure your daughter doesn't give him the new alarm code. I wonder what she sees in him!

Brighton_belle

Errata wrote: »

Looks like the DD is happy to enable his squalid behaviour,or he's turned her into a doormat. Neither of those options indicate a match made in heaven.

Spot on and very worrying She must have very low self esteem to think this is all she can aspire to relationship wise.

sussexchick wrote: »

I've put him back into that 'dysfunctional' environment and even though I know I've done the right thing, it doesn't make it any easier.

Er, no no no: stop believing you have this level of power!
He chose to persist with his poor behaviour, the consequence of which was a request to change or leave. He chose to leave in a hurry and a huff. You need to stop seeing yourself as in control of his life - he is not a child of 10, he is an adult of 20 now Every action we all take, including passive non action, we are making choices.


You acted in the belief you were being kind originally. You now need to be really kind and stop enabling this very poor behaviour.
If for any reason you decide to take him back in, I would suggest your most important job is to insist your DD never cleans up after him.

paddy's_mum

You might also ask yourself how much more gross he was likely to become if you hadn't said 'this far but no further'.

The results of an episode of upset tummy or abcessed tooth don't bear thinking about!

It never ceases to amaze me that young women can be sleeping with a guy, participate in all the highly personal/intimate actions that sex involves and yet are unable to say, in a quiet but frank way "your toilet/underwear/showering manners leave a lot to be desired. Please make sure that from now on, you .... (fill in the blanks as appropriate).

sussexchick

I've had a really good talk with DD today, mostly about the comments and support you great people have made on here. I'm pleased to say that she is more than happy with the new living arrangements, she agreed with many points I raised about his behaviour and non acceptance of some of his dreadful actions. She firmly believes and agrees that they have very differing levels of standards, morals and priorities. She agrees that some of his actions have alarmed her however, she simply loves him and I think she's under the impression/illusion/hope?! that he'll change in time. I think she's secretly enjoying the time alone! and hopefully she'll get back her self esteem, which seems to have taken a rather large bashing! I've thought about her self esteem for a long while myself as she seriously thinks he's the only guy around?!?!?!

I'm relieved and so thankful for all your comments and messages of support, I do feel we've turned a corner today and hopefully this will continue. :T

Thank you!
SC x

sussexchick

Errata wrote: »

Looks like the DD is happy to enable his squalid behaviour,or he's turned her into a doormat. Neither of those options indicate a match made in heaven.

I couldn't agree more. Broke my heart having to sit and watch it! and believe me, I am so regretful that I didn't act before now.

Brighton_belle

That's very encouraging sussexchick.