Telling my daughters BF to leave the home

Brighton_belle

Jagraf wrote: »

She did what she thought was right for her daughter. She's not weak and helpless, far from it.

I didn't say she was weak and helpless - I suggested she felt weak and helpless in her own home: she has allowed a 20 year old youth to control her home life for a year. I hope she now knows she is indeed strong and able and very very capable of never letting that happen again: it is possible to be kind and thoughtful but have strong, clear boundaries for ones own health and happiness. Sometimes being very soft on someone's behaviour denies them the chance to grow and learn.
Setting strong boundaries can be just as helpful for others to learn from for their own life.

OP I hope your DD feels less distressed soon. This isn't an easy time but you have done a good thing - trust yourself (because you are strong and capable).

Primrose

If this lad came from a chaotic home it may have been the first time he has had any stability and just didn,t understand the rules of civilised behaviour in normal society. His year staying with you might, in retrospect have given him some idea of how people are expected to behave in a civilised well bred environment, even if he hasn't been able to conform. He may yet have pause for reflection as he matures so all may not have been lost for him if he can take those lessons to heart going forward.

As for your daughter it has probably been a painful but necessary lesson for her in helping her to determine the values and standards she wants in her life going forward. With the background you have given her she would eventually have started to become embarrassed by his low standards amongst her friends and peers. Just be gentle with her and help her to move on. Nobody likes to admit their mistakes and inexperience when they are young!

Errata

Your daughter should have helped him to learn how to live in a civilised manner with other people, or she should have kicked him out after a few week's of his squalid behaviour. He was her responsibility, not yours.

Mankysteve

Gzzz that being more than little annoying untidy. I would have got rid ages ago.

Topcat1982

Why don't they just get a flat together?

sussexchick

Primrose wrote: »

If this lad came from a chaotic home it may have been the first time he has had any stability and just didn,t understand the rules of civilised behaviour in normal society. His year staying with you might, in retrospect have given him some idea of how people are expected to behave in a civilised well bred environment, even if he hasn't been able to conform. He may yet have pause for reflection as he matures so all may not have been lost for him if he can take those lessons to heart going forward.

As for your daughter it has probably been a painful but necessary lesson for her in helping her to determine the values and standards she wants in her life going forward. With the background you have given her she would eventually have started to become embarrassed by his low standards amongst her friends and peers. Just be gentle with her and help her to move on. Nobody likes to admit their mistakes and inexperience when they are young!

This is an incredibly powerful statement and one which has really struck a chord with me. You are absolutely correct. They both have very different values and standards. His previous environment, in my view, is 'dysfunctional' and I'm not being nasty when I say that, as I have witnessed some of the most appalling behaviour from family members. I can't or rather won't go into specifics, which is one of the reasons why I have put up with his behaviour for such a long time.

DD and BF are still together, thats their decision, but I've certainly had a 'wobble' overnight and I'm desperately trying to remain strong. I've put him back into that 'dysfunctional' environment and even though I know I've done the right thing, it doesn't make it any easier.

Just to answer a few questions:

1. He doesn't drive.
2. He paid rent, but only a small percentage
3. DD was 'shown' nasal matter, she cleaned it up!
4. DD also cleans the toilet rim, after he has sprayed everywhere! (I forgot to tell you about that!!)

Thank you all for your kind messages of support, I will be referring to them often over the next few days. xx

Pollycat

If you have given him fair warning about his behaviour, then you have nothing to reproach yourself for.

sussexchick wrote: »

has made a phone call to someone, and now he's moving out! in less than 30 mins! .... I even said to my DD, that I had no intention of just 'throwing him out onto the streets'!, I gave him time to find somewhere else to live, but no, he's thrown all toys out of his pram and he's off!

Depending where he's gone, his stay there may be short so prepare yourself if he comes back with his tail between his legs, promising he'll change.
Decide in advance how you are going to handle that situation if it happens. Don't be caught on the back foot.

purpleshoes_2

I've worked with many a young person from a dysfunctional background, at some point people need to start taking responsibility.

Life is tough for many people, they don't go around wiping snot on the walls and puking in baths.

Dare I say it, if the disgusting behaviour had been addressed a couple of weeks in with an ultimatum of stop it or leave, it might not have got to this.

If I make mess in my home it's my mess, if someone puked in my bath they'd last 24 hours.

He's been allowed to carry on by the repeated cleaning up after him and the message that's been given out to your daughter is he messes up, she cleans it up.

There's being kind hearted and soft, you are who you are, but he's taken advantage left right and centre and the I've had a tough life so I puke in the bath is a ridiculous excuse.

I'm assuming alcohol was involved when he vomited? Not illness.

uncreative

The real measure of a person is not in the mistakes they make, but in the way they accept and correct them. This could have gone 2 ways. Human nature means, and please try and put yourself in his shoes for this small next bit, he will initially be naturally hurt and become defensive if someone criticises him.

HOWEVER, its important what comes next. He could either have sat down with you, apologised, acknowledged it was your house and bucked up his ideas, after al he loves your daughter and would do anything to keep her and the relationship with his in-law family going?

OR he could have not really cared, reacted badly, thrown his toys right out the pram and left in a massive huff. He thinks that he is absolutely in the right and clearly has a very large blind spot as to his behaviour.

You dont need that and neither does your daughter. You are better off without him as he has cleary shown how he REACTS to things. Now over the next few days you and your daughter will see how he RESPONDS to things. Reacting and Responding are 2 very different processes that tell you a lot about a persons character.

Well done in standing up for what is right, i am sure it must have been extremely difficult.

2gorgeousgirls

This is your home and he has absolutely no respect for you or your home.

If I was in your shoes, after a few days of this behaviour he would have been told that if he wanted to live in my house he had to respect my rules and property. If his behaviour didn't change he would have been out within the week.

You're right to kick him out. I wouldn't put up with this disgusting behaviour from my own flesh and blood.