In a difficult place with my wife and I don't know what to do

bylromarha

z.n wrote: »

I cannot believe you have never had a fight. Even a small one. In ten years that would be exceptional IMO.

Good friends with a very happy marriage have never had a fight after 14 years of marriage.

When I dug deeper as I didn't believe them, it seems they are both very good at walking away when they are feeling frustrated. They calm down and then sit down and talk about the thing that made them frustrated together and ways forward to improve it. No fights, just discussions.

They're both calm people, so it's highly probable they're telling the truth - me being a hothead there is no way OH and I would never have fought!

Lily-Rose_3

Alittlelost123 wrote: »

I need some advice. I have been with my wife for ages, both in our early 30's, both professionals she has a good job, I am unemployed but thats not a issue.

So my wife and I split up 3 months ago. I just can't decide if I should just give up or keep trying.

We don't fight, in 10 years we have never had a fight or raised our voices at each other, here is the problem she is very insecure and sensitive so I struggle to express any issues I have because it upsets her, she is a bit of a passive aggressive sort of person.

I am a person of few emotions and she is very emotional so I do not provide her what she needs emotionally but a lot of this is because some of the issues I have in my mind about her but have never been able to communicate them with her.

My issues
1 I think she lies to me, about all sorts of things from big to small but I think a lot of this is attention seeking. The problem is I just don't know when she has lied or told the me the truth so I have lost a lot of trust in her.

2 She is very close to her family, they don't try to interfere, but too much of her life is around her family. She does not mean to but she puts them first (well in my mind she does). Its not easy for her as they are very important to her.

3 She likes her food and has not kept her self in good shape, this is a important thing for me as I just am not attracted to overweight girls so our sex life does not exist

4 She has not financial sense at all, She thinks she makes more than she does and she thinks she spends less then she does. I think she lies to me about money stuff also.

Now on the upside, she is a really really good person, she has been good to me, she has a very good job and she is very passionate about her work (important to me). She gets along with everyone, my friends all like her. We get on really well as friends. She give me a lot of freedom sometimes I travel for 4+ weeks at a time without issue. We both have many of the same interests and if the above 4 issues were not there she would be the perfect wife.

So what to do now? let her go and stay friends or keep fighting?

Tigsteroonie wrote: »

Please let her go so that she can find somebody who appreciates her and isn't so fattist :mad:

cte1111 wrote: »

You sound very critical of your wife, although I suppose that's inevitable when you are listing the problems you perceive. Why specifically did you decide to split up 3 months ago?

Do you think that being unemployed might be another reason that you are feeling unhappy, but are instead blaming it on your wife? None of us can tell you what to do but if I were your wife I would be incredibly hurt about some of the comments you've shared with thousands of strangers on the internet. Does she want to get back with you? If not, then the whole discussion is pretty irrelevant.

I am with these posts. You seem to have no real respect or thought or love for your wife. And from what you say, you seem to share very little in common. It sounds like you are in two different dimensions to me! How come you even got together?

And this post by bagpussbear spoke volumes:

You don't mention love at all in your post.

Let her go, and be with someone who appreciates her and loves her.

Applecart

3 months is quite a while. Don't leave it too long OP she already may be moving on. Seems like you are dithering. Good luck!

Alittlelost1234

Thanks again, I do love her she is my best friend but we just have such different takes on life I want to make our own path and not have much involvement with extended family, she wants half of our life to be around extended family. I am very careful with money not that we don't spent but she spends like its going out of fashion (we are talking big number here), I am very cynical and hard nosed when it comes to new people she is naive and gets taken advantage off.

Why did we get married? we had been together a long time and for her this was the next logical stop, I was not ready. A lot of stuff that happened around the wedding really got our marriage off on a bad foot and this has been part of the issues we have.

Just putting it down in writing here and reading peoples responses here has helped.

Applecart

Alittlelost1234 wrote: »

Thanks again, I do love her she is my best friend but we just have such different takes on life I want to make our own path and not have much involvement with extended family, she wants half of our life to be around extended family. I am very careful with money not that we don't spent but she spends like its going out of fashion (we are talking big number here), I am very cynical and hard nosed when it comes to new people she is naive and gets taken advantage off.

Why did we get married? we had been together a long time and for her this was the next logical stop, I was not ready. A lot of stuff that happened around the wedding really got our marriage off on a bad foot and this has been part of the issues we have.

Just putting it down in writing here and reading peoples responses here has helped.

Then go and get her back! You've answered your own question!

Applecart

Op did you forget your password already? Lol! Was slightly confused at the new username.

Alittlelost1234

Applecart wrote: »

Op did you forget your password already? Lol! Was slightly confused at the new username.

haha I did and could not recover it due to lack of email access

Alittlelost1234

If we do split its going to be really difficult to come to a fair financial agreement.

Applecart

Alittlelost1234 wrote: »

If we do split its going to be really difficult to come to a fair financial agreement.

Now we are getting to the nitty gritty! Lol fair to who?

Kynthia

You don't meet her emotional needs which is a major problem and it sounds like she's reached the end and is ready to split. Do you think some of the little lies or exaggerations are in desperation in trying to get some attention and support from you? If you want to stay together how do you intend to meet her needs as I doubt she can stop needing emotional support from her husband?

Many women are close to their family and regularly socialise with extended family. You say it's only half her social time which I personally don't think is bad. She probably gets a lot of love and support from them.


You say she's not good with money. It's not easy for a couple to get on when they have different attitudes to money. So what do you mean exactly; does she get into debt, buy unnecessary things when important things need paying for, have no savings, etc? Or is she living within her means but spends more than you'd like, or is it what she's spending her money on that bothers you? Do you have an income and how does she feel about what you spend money on? You say your away a lot, is that something personal rather than work related that costs a lot of money as if you get to spend then she might feel like she can too?