In a difficult place with my wife and I don't know what to do

Alittlelost123

I need some advice. I have been with my wife for ages, both in our early 30's, both professionals she has a good job, I am unemployed but thats not a issue.

So my wife and I split up 3 months ago. I just can't decide if I should just give up or keep trying.

We don't fight, in 10 years we have never had a fight or raised our voices at each other, here is the problem she is very insecure and sensitive so I struggle to express any issues I have because it upsets her, she is a bit of a passive aggressive sort of person.

I am a person of few emotions and she is very emotional so I do not provide her what she needs emotionally but a lot of this is because some of the issues I have in my mind about her but have never been able to communicate them with her.

My issues
1 I think she lies to me, about all sorts of things from big to small but I think a lot of this is attention seeking. The problem is I just don't know when she has lied or told the me the truth so I have lost a lot of trust in her.

2 She is very close to her family, they don't try to interfere, but too much of her life is around her family. She does not mean to but she puts them first (well in my mind she does). Its not easy for her as they are very important to her.

3 She likes her food and has not kept her self in good shape, this is a important thing for me as I just am not attracted to overweight girls so our sex life does not exist

4 She has not financial sense at all, She thinks she makes more than she does and she thinks she spends less then she does. I think she lies to me about money stuff also.


Now on the upside, she is a really really good person, she has been good to me, she has a very good job and she is very passionate about her work (important to me). She gets along with everyone, my friends all like her. We get on really well as friends. She give me a lot of freedom sometimes I travel for 4+ weeks at a time without issue. We both have many of the same interests and if the above 4 issues were not there she would be the perfect wife.

So what to do now? let her go and stay friends or keep fighting?

bagpussbear

Perhaps you both going to see a marriage guidance counsellor would help you reach the right decision?

You don't sound very compatible though from what you've said. But I don't think the perfect wife, or the perfect husband exists either.

How have both of you coped without each other in the 3 months? you don't mention love at all in your post.

Broadwood

If it was me I'd go for the 1st option having got to where you are now.

fivesquare

For me, the only real deal breaker on your list is the lying issue. That's also a habit that won't easily go away, it's her way of being. My ex was the same and he didn't even admit that the small lies were a problem - and the big one were to 'protect' others, he used to say.

You need to ask yourself what keeps you in the relationship, and whether you see yourself with her in a couple of years from now, with kids and all (you haven't mentioned kids).

Tigsteroonie

Alittlelost123 wrote: »

3 She likes her food and has not kept her self in good shape, this is a important thing for me as I just am not attracted to overweight girls so our sex life does not exist

Please let her go so that she can find somebody who appreciates her and isn't so fattist :mad:

KiKi

Tigsteroonie wrote: »

Please let her go so that she can find somebody who appreciates her and isn't so fattist :mad:

What he's said might sound harsh. But he hasn't said she's hideous or he hates her, just that he isn't attracted to her in the same way. If my partner lost his sense of humour, or wasn't as kind a person anymore, I wouldn't find him attractive in the same way.

And yes, I'm overweight, and I accept that it means some people won't find me as attractive - just as some men don't find skinny people attractive!

Attraction can mean both personality AND physical, although for some reason it's not acceptable to admit the latter.


My issue with the OP is that the post seems all, well, about him. Does she love you? Does she want to be with you? It seems to be all about whether or not you will 'let her go', OP, rather than whether the two of you *together* should make a decision to make it work or not.

Good luck.
KiKi

Gigglepig

I'd try marriage counselling. Sounds like there are lots of positives even though you are having big communication issues, which could be helped by learning to communicate better.

Alittlelost1234

bagpussbear wrote: »

Perhaps you both going to see a marriage guidance counsellor would help you reach the right decision?

You don't sound very compatible though from what you've said. But I don't think the perfect wife, or the perfect husband exists either.

How have both of you coped without each other in the 3 months? you don't mention love at all in your post.

Yes we are not so compatible, its been really hard for the last 3 months. I am very upset so is she but she is very set of a divorce me less so. Marriage guidance counsellor is something we should really consider.

FYI we have no kids.

fivesquare, yes this is a difficult one for me, I know she does not mean it but its part of who she is. I think a lot of people with low self confidence do this. I am on the opposite end of the scale and very confident in my self.

I think she has lied to me about some of her health issues and to be honest if thats the case she really need help but if I am wrong I am the one that needs help in learning to trust people.


Tigsteroonie, honestly I would rather it as not a issue but its just who I am. I don't like chubby girls I can't help it. In the same way I am only 5'6 and many girls do not like short guys.

KiKi, we both love each other to bits, we still talk 2 or 3 times a day and she does love me but she is not getting the emotional support she needs form me.

Thanks for the advice everyone.

cte1111

You sound very critical of your wife, although I suppose that's inevitable when you are listing the problems you perceive. Why specifically did you decide to split up 3 months ago?

Do you think that being unemployed might be another reason that you are feeling unhappy, but are instead blaming it on your wife? None of us can tell you what to do but if I were your wife I would be incredibly hurt about some of the comments you've shared with thousands of strangers on the internet. Does she want to get back with you? If not, then the whole discussion is pretty irrelevant.

z.n

I cannot believe you have never had a fight. Even a small one. In ten years that would be exceptional IMO. Your attitude towards your wife does not seem particularly positive frankly so a lack of a big bust up on her part would suggest there is deep underlying tension. I would not be optimistic this relationship can be saved.

bylromarha

I think it sounds like you've both stopped trying. Being married is hard work at times. You have to put effort in to showing your love for each other day in day out. Whether its a hug if you don't feel like doing so, or a choice to walk away when that little thing has annoyed you AGAIN.

It seems like you have love between you - you have to work on making that active. From your posts, I think its worth fighting for TBH.

Go see a marriage counsellor and make sure you both go in there telling them you want it to work and you need their help to make it work. Fight for your relationship from the get go, no "we're not sure" talk. Make a decision and fight hard for this woman you love.