In a difficult place with my wife and I don't know what to do

purpleshoes_2

I think by the sounds of it, splitting was the right thing to do.

Would you ever have sex again if she didn't lose weight? Coułd you live like that?

*max*

Was it an arranged marriage?

Alittlelost1234

Applecart wrote: »

Now we are getting to the nitty gritty! Lol fair to who?

Its a difficult one, we have a lot of assets which where all paid for by money I made when I was young, we moved for her work so I now have to start again and will make very little but she has got to a stage where she makes very good money.

To be honest I am not so fussed as long as its fair for both of us and we do not waste money on legal fees.

Kynthia wrote: »

You don't meet her emotional needs which is a major problem and it sounds like she's reached the end and is ready to split. Do you think some of the little lies or exaggerations are in desperation in trying to get some attention and support from you? If you want to stay together how do you intend to meet her needs as I doubt she can stop needing emotional support from her husband?

Many women are close to their family and regularly socialise with extended family. You say it's only half her social time which I personally don't think is bad. She probably gets a lot of love and support from them.


You say she's not good with money. It's not easy for a couple to get on when they have different attitudes to money. So what do you mean exactly; does she get into debt, buy unnecessary things when important things need paying for, have no savings, etc? Or is she living within her means but spends more than you'd like, or is it what she's spending her money on that bothers you?

Yes I believe the lies were to get attention which is why I do not blame her completely for them.

Yes she gets a lot of love form her family, they are all really good people.

She sees each expense in isolation to the last, so if we have bought something very expensive recently she will not think we need to chill out and be a bit more carful, each huge expense is justified in some way to her. She will quite happily pay £2 or £3k for a business class flight when we could live with cattle class for £400.

purpleshoes wrote: »

I think by the sounds of it, splitting was the right thing to do.

Would you ever have sex again if she didn't lose weight? Coułd you live like that?

I think I could live with being a bit over weight but not a lot, but I probably would be more understanding if she was more open to talking about it.

*max* wrote: »

Was it an arranged marriage?

No, I really do not believe in them but she does and if we had not met at university she would have had a arranged marriage.

Alchemilla

OP if there is no religious bar to divorce and you have no children then I would suggest you both start afresh.
Perhaps next time a marriage preparation course would help you to be aware of such fundamental differences of approach BEFORE marriage?
Being a family person or wishing to remain more separate as a couple really is a big issue.

PeacefulWaters

She's probably overweight because she's miserable.

Get joint relationship counselling and take things from there.

C_Mababejive

Just read page one. Split for 3 months? Its over,move on>>>

FBaby

As always, you are both paying the costs of not having make efforts to communicate when the first issues came about. You both took the easy step of burrying your head in the sand and thinking that because you were married, things would get back into place or you would learn to accept the issues until they became such that they took over your marriage.

From what I can read, there isn't much left to save. Unfortunately, if you've reached the point where you don't find her attractive any longer and you don't have an intimate relationship at your age, where do you go from there? It is not fair on either of you. You deserve to be attracted to your partner and she deserves to be loved the way she is.

People often assume that couples who argue the most are the most unhealthy whilst those who don't are strong. My experience is that it is often the opposite. Couple who argue deal with issues in their marriage. Arguing sometimes is the best way to get things out of the way when otherwise it isn't taken seriously. As long as the issues do get resolved as a result, then it can actually be the sign of a healthy marriage.

Your wife is very brave to have taken the steps to divorce. Like you, she probably still loves you and the prospect of being single is probably frightening her. She too must ache that she will be losing her best friend, but she decided to finally be honest with herself and accept that staying together will only delay the inevitable.

Let her go and use this experience to learn to communicate better when you meet someone else and fall in love again. It's one thing not to be emotional by nature, but that doesn't mean that you can't bring matters up when they do bother you because you don't like confrontations.

Hopefully she will meet someone more suited for her and who knows, maybe you will manage to remain good friends. You wouldn't be the first divorced couple who work much better as close friends than lovers.

Kynthia

My post was a few things for you to think about as to whether you are compatible and whether you are thinking enough about whether you are right for her. Does your wife want to be with someone who doesn't meet her emotional needs, thinks she's a liar and doesn't trust anything she says, has a different attitude to money from her, wants her to spend less time with her family, and isn't attracted to her anymore. So from her side things would need addressing too before you could reconcile.

To be honest from my experience (which is limited so I know this won't always be the case) when the man wants to split the woman tries to make it work. However a few months after the split the man might realise he didn't have it so bad or just start to miss her and want to get back together, but by then the woman has begun to move on and realise that perhaps the split was a good thing too.

OP was it you that instigated the break up? Either way you probably split for good reasons and you need to remember them, plus it's unlikely that your wife will wish to reconcile now unless the issues have somehow been resolved.

Alittlelost1234

The above posts are very insightful thanks I am definitely very emotionally immature and you are right it is not healthy to have a relationship where you do not fight or discuss issues one way or the other.

The separation was probably instigated by both of us.

Carl31

Wow, that almost sounds like my wife up to not long ago.

I can't comment about your wife as I don't know her, or you, or your past, but it was fairly obvious to me that my wife had some demons she struggled with almost daily, meaning she lacked confidence and was insecure. I think she felt safest with her parents, and didn't want to burden others with her issues, so she would hold them in, not talk about anything and try just to carry on being 'normal'. This just made things worse. She certainly wouldn't talk to me, as her other half this made life incredibly difficult, no matter how much I tried to encourage it.

We got her counselling and various help, which worked a bit, she then went into a deep depression for a couple of years. The medication worked, but she put on weight. Admittedly, I didn't like this, but I stuck by her. She finally got CBT and her life turned round, things are now the best they have ever been for her and our marriage is great, there were times where I almost gave up i have to admit.

This may not be the same as your situation, but to me your op reads very much.lkke the issues I faced. My advice would be that if you really don't want to give up, then dont, I think woth effort you can amend your situation