Am I the biggest fool for being frugal?

maman

purpleshoes wrote: »

You are giving mixed messages out saying you are proud of the way you have lived and then wondering if you have made the wrong choices.

I said elsewhere in the thread that you don't need a fortune to make good memories, you can have a cheap holiday, all inclusive, you can shop around for offers if you want to go for a meal.

Its finding a balance between being frugal and letting go a bit when you do have something to spare.

If you don't have the money to spare how can you blow it unless you do so on credit?

I think OP was questioning the fact that her DH's cousins made choices on how to spend their money BUT to the extent that they had nothing left to contribute to the uncle's funeral despite the fact they could always find the money for other things of their choice. OP has made different choices (to invest a big chunk in property) and so lives frugally as very little spare cash left BUT gave the impression they would find enough to contribute a fair share to the funeral.

Eliza_2

Personally I don't agree with either 'side', but we all make our own choices and place value on different things, and we shouldn't either be smug or condemn others for those that they make. The situation is where it is now and uncle has died.

The issue here is that Uncle should have a respectful send off and whoever's got some money, should fork out. Doesn't have to be a lavish do, but should honour this gentleman's life and memory. It sounds as though you're using this sad event as an opportuntiy to make a point which I don't feel is right. If you don't have a mortgage and don't buy anything much, then you must have some savings. Use them then top them up later. What else are they for? There's no great value in bricks and mortar other than monetary, we place far too much value on 'paying off the mortgage' - for what?

Pay for the funeral, get the cousins to do other things such as help prepare the food. You can all go your own ways afterwards and never have anything to do with each other again if you choose.

This poor man - the alternative is to let the council bury him (aka paupers funeral). He deserves a better family all round!

dandy-candy

NICHOLAS wrote: »

The op is tight though, they've got money to buy out their FILs house but wear primark and eat dodgy food?

Some people think they can take money to the grave with them.

I don't have debt, i'm not that materialistic. Other than nice clothes and nice food and maybe a bit of gambling i don't spend much But i am not tight. If someone asks me for a quid i give it them, people like the op would write it down in a book and it would be the first topic of conversation when they next see them 'can i have my pound back please'

Buying cheap stuff is a false economy anyway

You seem to be missing the point that the reason we could buy FIL house is because we have been living frugally. And i have never been ill from eating YS food.

As for your comment of us with money, you are wrong and insulting. DH has often given money - given not lent - to his aunt and uncle who have been a bit short at times, and been happy to do so. It's the free spending cousins who now are pleading poverty that are getting our goat.

dandy-candy

Eliza wrote: »

If you don't have a mortgage and don't buy anything much, then you must have some savings.

It was 4 weeks ago we gave our money to SIL for the house, so other than the bit for the new plumbing and wiring there is no money "spare". At any other time this wouldn't have been the issue it is. DH is cross/embarrassed because SIL knows she has all our savings but still told the family we would pay.

dandy-candy

purpleshoes wrote: »

You are giving mixed messages out saying you are proud of the way you have lived and then wondering if you have made the wrong choices.

I said elsewhere in the thread that you don't need a fortune to make good memories, you can have a cheap holiday, all inclusive, you can shop around for offers if you want to go for a meal.

Its finding a balance between being frugal and letting go a bit when you do have something to spare.

If you don't have the money to spare how can you blow it unless you do so on credit?

Yes I can see now it was a mixed post. I grew up with a mum who had maxed out overdrafts at every high street bank and more than once I was with her when her card was cut up by the staff at the till. That's why I'm frugal (tight, whatever) and being debt free was important to me. Yes im proud of being debt free, but I do have moments when I see other peoples nice cars and holiday snaps and wonder if I should have been less driven.

This funeral issue has got me because I see all the same people who have been having a riot passing the bill in our direction. Maybe that makes me a bad person to some people here, but that's how I feel right now.

thriftwizard

I can well understand your frustration. But what little I can add to the debate is that amongst my 5 assorted offspring's happiest memories are the things like evening BBQs in the garden with tea-lights in jam-jars hanging from the trees, a party in the back of our aged camper van (way before such things were fashionable - it was the only vehicle we could afford that we could get all 7 of us in with belts!) by the sea, a lantern-lit walk by the river in the evening for a picnic and daft games in the dark, and other cheap & cheerful ideas that didn't stress the budget. They did get to go abroad, because one set of grandparents lived in Spain, but the things they talk about amongst themselves & their friends now were the least expensive.

We live in a wealthy area, and many of their friends had very expensive exotic holidays, parties & presents, but somehow this was the house they all wanted to spend their time in & some even came on holiday (camping & surfing, not in Newquay!) with us. You haven't shortchanged your kids, you've given them a sound & sensible grounding.

And funeral-wise, it's simply not fair for your relatives to assume that you & your S-i-L will bear the burden. You may need that money to help your kids with student debt, for example (our eldest took it into his head to go to uni at 21, middle son is now considering it at 26) and the future is more important than the past; I bet your uncle would have agreed. So a municipal funeral is absolutely in order, as he didn't leave anything to pay for it; maybe a gathering in a local pub for sandwiches afterwards? One of our neighbours died unexpectedly not long ago, at 39 with no will, no pension or anything in place, and his young SAHM partner was left with virtually nothing, but managed that and it was lovely, exactly what he would have enjoyed best himself, rather than any posh hotel post-funeral reception.

Spending loads of money doesn't automatically ensure a "good do" - last one I went to, many of the family went down with stomach upsets the next day, but decided to believe that it had been a bug they'd passed around amongst themselves, not the warmish prawn & salmon delicacies - and for my stepfather's funeral lately, we had just one huge spray of flowers on the coffin, which worked out to £20 for each family member. He was a wealthy man, which he became by being careful - but not mean at all, he was very generous - and he'd have been horrified if we'd spent any more on something that was just going to be thrown away the next day. It looked great - stylish even - but was eminently manageable financially for all of us. I think you have every right to be cross, and to rein the rest of the family's expectations in.

PlutoinCapricorn

Dandy, where holidays are concerned it is possible to get good bargains. You could start a fund for the future.

I have no experience of AirBnB but many people recommend it. I once got two nights at the seaside for £20: £9 a night in a Travelodge and £1 each way on a National Express coach!

dandy-candy

Thriftwizard I wish I could thank your post more than once! A very very long time ago we too had a banger of a camper (just DS1 back then) and we had very very happy times. Your kiddies childhood sounds magical. Thanks for reminding me how simple things can be lovely. I'm definitely digging out tealights and bunting for that bbq now! Xx

xHannahx

If he had nothing in his estate unless you are willing to pay up which you are under no obligation then a state paid funeral sounds the way forward.

We are at the moment saving to buy a house and get away from the renting. Spending minimal money. Driving a 12 year old car, camping holidays and cleared a couple of debts. The debts have gone, and savings have started. BBQ parties are preferred by us, walks in the country on our days off, ys food- we haven't paid full price for bread this year.
There is nothing wrong with your way of living, I'd expect family to understand you've just bought a house so funds are tight.

purpleshoes_2

I think you should post on the boards that deal with wills and funerals to ask advice. I don't think it's just as straightforward to say that the cousins don't have money because everything is maxed out so you should then foot the bill. You've said earlier in the thread that you have very little spare cash, so where would the money for the funeral come from.

I don't know the specifics but the dwp might have some kind of bereavement grant/fund you could access. I don't think it's just as simple as saying they don't have the cash so you need to stump up.

My gran died 4 years ago and her funeral was a simple affair. She only wanted the closest relatives there and we didn't have a do after, she was quite specific that she wanted a private funeral with no fuss. That cost two and a half thousand pounds. You could easily spend a few thousand pounds if you had a hearse and several cars for extended family plus had to provide food and drink afterwards.

If you don't have funds to pay for a fancy party for your sons 18th (no reason why you should) where are you going to get 3-4000 pounds to pay for a funeral.