exs new boyfriend

FatVonD

As many people have mentioned that folk met on dating sites have no more potential to being weird than if you met them in the pub... I don't agree. The very nature of the Internet means that anybody can pretend to be anything they want and it is a magnet for weirdos. Sure you can also meet some odd folk in real life but in 30 years of real life dating/relationships I never met as many freaks as I did in 6 months of Internet dating (and I say that as someone now married to someone I met on a dating site so I do know there are some good ones too.)

That all said, sorry OP but I think your reasons for checking him out are partly to do with her having found someone else while you are still holding a candle for her. (I'm not saying you don't have your children's best interests at heart too but I don't think that's all it's about.)

purpleshoes_2

I don't think we are getting the whole story either. If the op thinks the kids are at risk due to her lifestyle never mind this new man he needs to do something about it.

duchy

theend? wrote: »

This is a first for me having been with my wife for the last twenty years its not something I had ever thought that I might have to deal with; even when I asked her to leave I had no thought that either of us would be dating especially so quickly (five months, but to be honest we've still be seeing each other on and off up until only a few weeks ago).


I understand that not everyone out there is some kind of monster just waiting for the right time to do bad things and that the chances of her fella being anything other than a standard decent guy is pretty slim but from the kids going to see her at her mothers who I can trust completely to look after them and keep a eye on her drinking to potentially them going somewhere that I have no control is very disconcerting.


Its been very brief chats at the moment but she has said that she has no intentions of introducing the kids to him yet and will continue to see them at her mums and she's not even mentioning at the moment to them that she is seeing someone else.


Guess I will just have to see how things go and keep finger crossed for good luck.

She's not rushing to introduce the kids to this bloke -which is sensible........she's not "moved in with him" but is simply spending nights at his place -knowing the kids are fine with Granny (presumably she goes out after they are asleep and is back for when they get up mostly) -all of which doesn't sound unreasonable although her Mum might get fed up with it after a while.

You on the other hand are jumping ahead wanting to run full checks on this bloke and talk to the police............. If you met someone tomorrow -would you expect your wife to assume the woman was potentially some kind of huge risk to your kids......or would you expect her to have some faith in your judgement as a parent ?

I don't think you really believe the kids are at risk but I do think you are very miffed she has found someone else so quickly when if you were still seeing each other if not actually together until very recently - and this new relationship has signaled she is moving on and a reconciliation isn't on the cards.

As for your comment about wanting to control her -simply you can't. Neither you or her mother can do anything more than keep an eye on things if you genuinely feel the children are at risk if she is drunk around them (which apparently hasn't actually happened)

theend?

Duchy
sorry but I dont think youve read my post very well.

I am living at home with the children I had to get my wife to leave the house because of her drinking - getting drunk while she was meant to be looking after the kids when I was at work and by drunk I dont mean a glass of wine I mean 1-2 bottles of wine/cider.
I tried to get her to get help over a few years but last straw was her not turning up at school for the kids because she was drunk so big decisions were made because it was either show her the door or potentally lose the kids when something went wrong (which it would have done eventually).
I did not suddenly fall out of love with her and yes do still have feelings for her, we were together for twenty years and have been apart for five months.
I had hoped that being out of the house away from the kids etc would make her take some action to sort herself out but instead she went the other way and has instead gone off with someone she has met on facebook and is just carrying on with her drinking lifestyle which means over the last three weeks she has seen the kids one day, has no job no money and has basically dropped contact with me - we were still on good terms and her mother, brother etc.
I dont know the guy and to be fair hes single and shes single but none of them work neither have their own place they are all living in his friends flat.
she goes from normal - i.e i wont be intruducing the kids etc to im going to rent a place with him and the kids can stay over. thats why I want to find out if he is any threat.

duchy

Quite honestly having a drink problem as she does -removing her responsibilities just gave her more freedom to drink. Whilst the kids safety obviously has to come first I think you were a bit optimistic hoping her moving out would get her to stop. You just removed the barriers - and as for no money- if she's still drinking she's obviously getting money from somewhere - whether it is benefits or from her family.

I have a good friend who died at forty one -she lost her kids -her home and her relationship was very unhappy because of her drinking. I'm now engaged to her then partner so I've seen both sides of what drinking can do - she was a lovely lady but she simply was so gripped by her addiction that losing the children, her career, her partner of fifteen years simply wasn't going to stop her. I also recognize how hard it is for you but ultimately until something happens your hands are tied and the best thing you can do is keep a relationship with her family so they will tell you what is going on and to encourage access "supervised" by the grandparents in their home.

Focus on what happens when the kids see her- the where and the who is there. That you can control - the rest of the week you can't - and trying to do so could make things worse. She doesn't appear to want these two lives of hers (single woman and Mum) to meet at the moment so save your resources for when and if that changes (and in the meantime apply for formal custody if you haven't already -whilst her life is in such flux rather than before she has a home with some bloke)

As for still loving her- of course you do - You've had many years together and a family. My partner stil has deep feelings for his ex despite the fact she put him through hell. As she and I were good friends I understand that she had many good qualities and it's a case of hate the disease not the person but there comes a time you have to protect your children from the fallout- as you've done.

Give the kinds their security yourself -and if she sees them less -then so be it. You can't force her to change - but there is always hope that if she hits rock bottom she will find the will and the strength to change - but there isn't anything you can do to force that to come sooner. If losing her home and daily access to the kids wasn't enough - she's just not there yet.

If you can get custody - you can also ask for supervised access for her for the children as presumably her alcohol issues are documented - which would remove your fear that if she moves in with this man they need to stay with her.
You don't mention how old they are - if they are old enough to express preferences the court will take that into consideration. It really is worth getting some legal advice. Alcoholics anonymous also have a section for the families and children of alcoholics - you may find good support as well as legal advice from them too useful.

Basically you can't stop her but you can protect your children but this isn't about one man she's keeping company with it's about *her* head space and frankly if she was keeping company with an addict or a criminal - knowing she is wouldn't give you any more or less rights to stop her having the kids at this point as you both have PR so to get the situation regularized with supervized contact (be that a contact centre or the grandmother) gives better protection all around. The reality is it doesn't matter if she got a flat alone or with someone else - you wouldn't want them staying with her as she'd be drunk just as she was with them at home .

theend?

Just a update police got back in touch today and said nothing found, so good news one less thing to worry about.