exs new boyfriend

TBagpuss

The start point is that you, as a parent, are competent to decide who you introduce to the children, and who you allow them to spend time with. Their mother, as a parent, is equally competent to make those choices.

I would suggest that you try to discuss this with your ex, but it should not be a case of you trying to tell her what to do, or that she should not introduce her new partner to the children. The ideal s to approach t from the perspective of "we both want the best for out children - I'm a bit concerned that they might find it confusing to get used to you being in a new relationship, while they are still dealing with our separation. Can we talk about how to introduce them to [new boyfriend]. Would you be willing to agree that they not stay overnight t his home until the two of you have been together a bit longer?

The other thing you can do, of course, is to ensure that your children feel comfortable talking with you about their visits to their mum, and knowing that you are supportive of her and are OK with her having a new partner. That way, they should feel they can talk to you about both good and (any potential) bad things about visits.

It is always scary to be in this situation, but bear in mind that your ex is their mum, and has their best interests at heart too.

squirrelchops

Clare's Law aka Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme is for applications around a partner having prior for domestic abuse. Only your ex could request a right to ask application.

Sarah's Law aka CSOD- Child sexual offences disclosure is to see if someone is a person who poses a risk to children.

theend?

This is a first for me having been with my wife for the last twenty years its not something I had ever thought that I might have to deal with; even when I asked her to leave I had no thought that either of us would be dating especially so quickly (five months, but to be honest we've still be seeing each other on and off up until only a few weeks ago).


I understand that not everyone out there is some kind of monster just waiting for the right time to do bad things and that the chances of her fella being anything other than a standard decent guy is pretty slim but from the kids going to see her at her mothers who I can trust completely to look after them and keep a eye on her drinking to potentially them going somewhere that I have no control is very disconcerting.


Its been very brief chats at the moment but she has said that she has no intentions of introducing the kids to him yet and will continue to see them at her mums and she's not even mentioning at the moment to them that she is seeing someone else.


Guess I will just have to see how things go and keep finger crossed for good luck.

theend?

Just a quick update..

I have been in touch with the police (101) and asked to go through the Sarahs law to do a check that he isn't any danger to the kids. Have had two phone calls so far and have been told to expect another and then I will need to go to a police station to prove who I am and my relationship with the children.
Ill be honest it seems a lot more involved than I was expecting but at least once its done hopefully nothing will be found and than I can relax.

purpleshoes_2

Not everyone who could be a danger to kids has a conviction. If your kids are old enough to tell you if something was amiss, I think you'll have to make that very clear. Also, given that you've posted that your exes lifestyle is dysfunctional are you concerned for their well being even if this new man wasn't on the scene.

I also agree that you'll get decent people who use dating sites and you could meet idiots anywhere.

theend?

Yes I have concerns even if the new guy wasn't about but she was staying at her mothers so she was on hand to check all was ok when the kids were with her and also lots of her family nearby.
There are two issues, one the new guy and the odd situation with her moving in with him striaght away no dating or anything basically chatting on the net and then moving striaght in. What I know about him with to be fair inst a lot is just odd as well - no job, they are actually in his friends flat not his own place and a few other concerning things I have heard. Also she has pretty much stopped all contact with me and her family.
The other issue is she is now talking about getting a place near him which is now not near me or any of her family which now causes the problem of her drinking etc with no one nearby to keep a eye of that the kids can go around to if there is a issue.
Both really the same problem, if she wasn't with him she wouldn't be thinking of getting a place near him

Just want to do this police check so one less thing to worry about, like you say no guarantee if he is wrong un there will be any record of it but on the other hand if there is anything than I will be told.

danlojo

I just wonder whether you will do this with any other men she may "see". You obviously suspect poor judgement on her side.

I've been separated over 2 years now and I've met a lovely man who my ex or family never knew but he knows our kids protection would come first.

theend?

Its a lot more to do with her judgemnet at the moment to be perfectly honest. I am in the middle of trying to sort out things with solicitors etc and need to do this as a stop gap just for now just incase, its just a very odd situation would probably not be as concerned if she had actually been dating him for a while rather then just meet him and move striaght in with him which is what has happened. We did have a close relationship despite the break up but she has just blanked me now along with her family to the point where she wont even confirm the address she is living at.

socrates

New boyfriend sounds like an enabler - hence the reason she has latched on to him

It is way way way too early for her to be thinking about introducing her kids to a new man (it would be the same the other way round - show on the other foot and all that)

You need to separate your feelings for her - I still think you are holding a candle for her - you have been seeing her on and off - but you want her to change and stop her drinking etc etc

This guy is enabling her to continue her addiction without any judgement or expectations. Unless he is an addict to then eventually he will get fed up of her and move on

Your kids do not need to be anywhere near this car crash of a relationship

As others have said the middle ground is with the grandparents and she has a right to see them as often as she wants - even more than you may have already agreed - as long as its there and she is sober - and by the way there is no need for you to be there - you too would be enabling her letting her know you are there for her to fall back on if everything fails

Sorry to be harsh - but the most important thing here is the kids

theend?

Socrates
Wouldnt disagree with anything youve said at all. I am more than happy for her to see the kids anytime as long as she is sober and other than the eldest child dosnt really like sleeping at her nans (would rather see her friends near home) they are fine to stay there anytime other than when they are at school - too far away to get to school..