Tips for maintaining friendships whilst paying off debts

Gaia2014

I live in Greater London.

xJOJOx_2

Hi Gaia

When your down its hard to maintain friendships because of your mood. It's can be a bit of a vicious circle, your depressed as your no social life and no social life as your too depressed to motivate yourself.

If you don't want to tell your friends your situation, how about telling them your saving all your money for x reason etc ie a bigger appartment etc

im sure everything will work out fine in the end. 2 years isn't that long really. Find something you enjoy and I'm sure your friend some new friends to relate with. I'm not saying get rid of your old ones but maybe you just need to add a few new ones to the mix.

Just try and concentrate on making yourself happy and then the right person will appear xx

Gaia2014

Yes, low mood definitely is the problem here I think. Part of the problem is that I'm at the age now where a lot of my friends have settled down - got children etc and the remainder are also depressed (for different reasons) or well off - so I think your suggestion of meeting new people to supplement my present circle of friends is definitely a good idea. Just need to work on my mood, which is generally ok when I'm busy... would like to meet someone new and settle down. But, the mood gets in the way again... definitely need to tackle that first I think

QueenBeruthiel

Is it possible that your friends might think that you are being standoffish, if they don't know the reason for you not socialising much? Being open about your situation might open others up to admitting that they are not as flush as they pretend to be. Some friends might actively suggest inexpensive options: walks, picnics, etc. Or you might suggest these activities to friends you like, to make it clear that you still want to see them, although you can't afford expensive meals and so on.

If you can't face a 2nd job (don't blame you), what about volunteering? You wouldn't have to commit more time than you would be comfortable with. I used to do vol work for Homestart, a charity supporting families. It was interesting, and they reimbursed my travel costs.

Join a running club or whatever?

For cheap travelling try Megabus, if you book well in advance. I found a ticket on a random date - 30th April - from London to Oxford, for £1 each way. Your far flung friends might find it easier to meet up with you somewhere like that, at such prices.

Just some thoughts.

xJOJOx_2

Gaia

Just try and tackle or change one thing at a time. Just try and get out a little at first xx

lcc86

Hi Gaia,

My own situation bears some similarities to yours. I'll be honest, I tried to 'keep up with the joneses' for far too long, spending money I didn't have. Was it worth it? Short answer: no! And I'm paying for it now lol.

I agree with a lot of other posters, be honest with you your friends. I've lost more than a few since I started telling people I couldn't afford to go here, there and everywhere, but I guess they weren't real friends.

Now I suggest that people come round to my pokey flat or that we go for a local coffee (much cheaper than an evening at the pub!). I plan in advance wherever possible for social events so that I don't find myself overwhelmed.

In regards to hobbies, plants bizarrely are a new one for me. I don't have a garden and am in no way green fingered so I'm slowly teaching myself things and growing stuff here and there. I'm guilty of needing a better work life balance so can definitely empathise. Just try and research what's around locally.

Finally, in terms of low mood, I've found running definitely helps. Having recently been diagnosed with depression I knew I needed to make a change. It really helps with mood and sleeping. I've also started meditating, it's tricky to get the hang of but I find it really clears the mind.

Just be honest with people, keep in touch with those that matter and believe in yourself.

fatpiggy

Hi OP, do you play a musical instrument or sing? I'm 50, live alone (just my cat) and have never had any sort of SO in my life and don't socialise with friends ( I learned the hard way that friends are people who use and then dump you) . But I'm out making music 4 nights and 1 morning every week. Music is fantastic for the mood, especially singing as it makes you breathe regularly and deeply. Sometimes at the end of a term a few of us will go out for a curry, and I go to the pub with a couple of fellow players after one orchestra rehearsal every week. I'm wrestling with the menopause at the moment (oh joy) and I feel very tired and fed up alot of the time but I make myself go to the gym every morning before work and it definitely perks me up at least for a while. You could try buying some second hand DVDs and doing a work-out at home. I recommend the series of 10 minute workouts where you can do one, or string two or three together.

If you live in such bijou surroundings, why not arrange to meet friends for coffee and cake at a local church on a Saturday morning? If you are feeling really skint you could share a slice of cake between two people (blame it on your waistline if you want). I regularly see signs for coffee mornings when I am out and about and the church will be pleased to see your money for their roof funds!!

Karen777

hello - sorry to hear you are struggling. Loads of good suggestions on here - not sure if this is possible/ appealing but what about volunteering somewhere for a couple of hours over the weekend? It's not quite like working and might be a good way of meeting new people. You should have a local organisation that has a list of opportunities.
Hope you are having a good day anyway. Debt can be very isolating and the people on this board are a great help so stick around.

Teacher2

Whatever you do, don't give up. I have been through some baddish times (not specifically financial) and you need to renew your determination every morning and live from day to day. No effort is ever wasted.
With saving and repaying debt you need to avoid temptation.
-Keep away from high spending friends and from shops and expensive restaurants.
-Tell your more understanding friends what you are trying to do and enlist their support.
-Invite people to your place for coffee and smaller meals/drinks rather than going out - or go to theirs with a contribution to a meal, i.e. pudding or a starter or a cheese course.
-Instead of expensive presents do 'Secret Santa's or keep to a fiver each or a tenner - or have 'no gift' arrangements.
-Pursue cheap or free activities like walking, reading, listening to the radio/podcasts/story-downloads etc.
-Get a weekend job that will pay you and offer a social life too (pub/restaurant/cafe/shop).
-Use coupons and vouchers both online and in the print media.
-Holidays can be cheaper if you share and camp.
-Use charity shops and swap & recycle goods. A car boot sale can make you cash & give you something to do.
-e-Bay your extra 'stuff' for cash.
-Have an income & spend spreadsheet and keep tabs on every penny spent.
-Have a debt repayment plan with the highest interest being paid off first.
-Cut up your credit cards (freeze one for emergencies - literally, leave it in your freezer) and use cash. When it runs out, stop spending.


What ever you do, don't lose hope. If you have a lapse, do not give up. Start retrenching and saving again as soon as possible. Keep seeking advice, sympathy and assistance on this site.

Good luck.

fleur38

Hi


there are lots of lovely replies here and thoughtful tips.


I agree that it would be easier if you told your 'friends' as, like you say, if they don't realise then they don't know that they are being insensitive.
You don't have to go into detail - you can just say that you are having to be careful with money at the moment.


how about joining a running club? they are free, you'll get fit in the process and have all those positive endorphins plus you'll meet new people in the process.


as you like to be busy - why not get an evening/weekend job? if it's in a sociable place like a pub you might feel like you are socialising at the same time?


I would like to wish you very good luck.