Tips for maintaining friendships whilst paying off debts

Gaia2014

Newlifer wrote: »

Gaia sorry for the massive delay in my reply. Been to 5 hockey sessions now and the final one is tomorrow. They are so friendly. Have been asked to join the team but it's takes all Saturday so sadly can't as am going to have to get a Saturday job. Like you I need to get myself straight and can then plan adventures new. I've still no resolution from my ex re the payout so am not sure where I'll be able to afford to live. Feels like he's playing games now a bit.anyway trying to focus on good stuff.

I've been searching google on "living on less" and have come across all sorts of good ideas, worth an explore anyway.

Walk on Sunday planned with my friend, it's good for the soul and I feel like I'm giving her something too which is nice, helps both of us. Having something on each day over the weekend has defo helped me so far. I'm not going out in the evenings but so far don't feel deprived.

Hope the month is going well for you.

Thank you for your reply. Glad to see this thread is still going :j

Sounds like you are a bit of a pro with regards to the hockey :j. I'm glad you have found a sport that you enjoy and of course the combination of exercise and a social group must lift your spirits somewhat. I'm sorry about the situation with the ex. Can't be easy for you. But, well done for taking such positive steps towards the future (sorry if that sounds a bit patronising). I just know that it can sometimes be quite difficult to life yourself out of a low patch...

With regards to my situation. I'm still plodding on. I'm afraid I'm no further forward with the socialising. But, I've started some counselling to help me move forwards. I always used to be a sociable person despite being quite reserved and I never thought I'd end up single, child free and in debt in my 40's. In many respects I still feel like somebody in their 20's, just starting out and I'm scared about the future (sorry if that sounds dramatic). Hence the counselling. There are lots of positives in my life. It's just difficult to see them sometimes.

I hope you're having a lovely weekend, where ever you are. Let's keep this thread alive.
Wishing you all the best. :beer:

Gaia2014

Susan1962 wrote: »

Completely sympathise. I was in a similar situation after my marriage ended. Dealing with bills on my own; doubled the mortgage payments as I'd bought out the ex; had friends but either couldn't afford to spend them them and was embarrassed to admit it or felt depressed when they kept going on and on about their holidays and new cars.

What helped:

1. taking stock of the friendships. I explained to them (individually, have never been one for big groups of friends) that I couldn't afford to go to the fancy restaurant and would it be okay if we went cheap and cheerful instead? It was fine with almost everyone. The only one who made a fuss was more of a casual/work friendship and it turned out that she was not such a nice person so it was a relief to phase her out.

2. Started looking for ways to get out cheaper: I used to go to the cinema 2 or 3 times a month. Started to go once a month on Orange Wednesdays and split the cost with the person who came along

3. One of the friends passed my workplace on her way home. We met up on late night opening Thursdays. Had a cuppa and a muffin and then a wander round the shops. I was happy to window shop and, since she has a robust sense of humour, she took it in good part when I teased her about wasting money on designer stuff.

This will get better over time. I agree with the other posters about your boasting friends but with a proviso. Did they always sound as if they were boasting or are you more aware of it now? I ask because I found myself being very down on people at the beginning when I was depressed. As I got help (CBT and talking to the friends who did understand) my view of other peoples' behaviour changed and I found that I could ignore some of the remarks that had stung previously. The worst offender has turned out to be the best friend - once I was honest with her and stopped feeling cornered, if that makes sense? Sorry to ramble but what I'm trying to say is that it's good to step back from the way you're feeling as much as possible and then decide if these friends should stay or not. And if they stay, there's nothing to say that the friendship has to remain the same. Things that don't grow just stagnate. Perhaps renegotiating the boundaries of these relationships might bring an improvement.

In any case, you've come to the right place for support. The people on here are a great support. I wish you the best of luck in your journey ...

Susan, welcome to the thread.

Thank you for sharing your experience and I'm sorry to hear about your marriage.

I've just started some counselling to try to get to grips with my feelings before I become completely friendless :eek:

Unfortunately, I do/did have one or two friends that had a habit of boasting or divulging their wealth and I've never worked out why they did this. Both of these individuals are quite insecure in other areas of their lives, so it is my guess that this was part of it. I used to tolerate this to a certain extent because I was in a better place emotionally.

But, once my circumstances changed (e.g. separated from my LT partner, failure to achieve a pregnancy etc) my tolerance waned somewhat and it started to make me feel inadequate (and depressed). Largely because I'm trying to pay my debts off and don't have much spare cash and partly because money can give you choices, which I feel I don't have at the moment (although I can obviously choose how to respond to situations). My current coping strategy is avoidance (with these people anyway).

I hope the above makes sense... I know money doesn't equal happiness, but it sure lifts the burden somewhat...

I have talked to the individuals concerned about this (without revealing too much detail about my situation, due to feeling embarrassed). But, it appears to have fallen on deaf ears. So I have had to put boundaries in place.

Taking stock of friendships is a good idea though. I also struggle with the fact that I'm not where I imagined I'd be at this point in my life. I should have left my previous relationship sooner, but no point in looking back.

Onwards and upwards.

I hope you are having a good day.

Teacher2

I do have a lot be thankful for. It's sometimes hard to see the wood for the trees. I've been to the GP. He won't prescribe medication because I'm not clinically depredded. Going to ask for fertility counselling though becsuse being childless and 40 is also a bigeee. My debts are a bit of a red herring and not insurmountable.

Having a child in the present circumstances would make things a hundred times worse - for you and the child.