Tips for maintaining friendships whilst paying off debts

Newlifer

Hostile thank you so much, lovely and clear. Think maybe I need to get moved then seriously consider setting one up. Really like the suggestion to run an age specific one. Not thought of using free dating sites to find friends rather than romantic ones, I'll do that now as I do need to meet some new people and get away from of the old connections with joint friends if I'm to allow myself to move forward independently. Not dropping good friends obviously just letting go those who are proving to be taking sides.

I'm so glad I was told about this site as you are all so inspiring and supportive. It's always best to learn from those who have had a go before me.

Thanks again and have a great day. Fabulously sunny here already.

JasX

Newlifer wrote: »

Tell me how do you find running a meet up group? What does it entail and how much time do you find it takes?

I guess it varies by group and what they get up to... my one kinda fell into my lap after it was setup by someone else in 2011 but then he was sent overseas with work about 2 years ago so handed the group over to 4 of us to carry on running.

It does a regular monthly drinks event 2 people run, I co-ordinate the saturday afternoon thing and the other person does 'everything else' (basically the odd ad hoc cinema trip/other social thing etc... we're trying to arrange a trip to one of these immersive interactive theatre things because they look cool). The bar we do the monthly drinks at pays the meetup.com fees because we get so many people along (running a group costs £12 a month but if you pay for a whole year it's only £60 odd).

Organising it is relatively easy/low effort -basically book some space at the venue and post that the meetup is happening as an event on the site, chat to the venue periodically to check they're happy for us to regularly use it and get them to flag any issues early (we had one wrinkle when people were sneaking outside food in so now all events have a note asking people not to do this). Otherwise it's basically showing up and keeping an eye out for new people turning up who might be nervous and hiding in a corner, and making sure they get introduced to a few other people.

My advice tho would be find a meetup or two you like the look of and try a going to a few events, the benefit there is firstly it's free and secodnly someone else does all the organsing work -you just get to turn up and be vaguely sociable

Gaia2014

This thread's gone a bit quiet. I hope everybody is ok. I can't believe we are in May already. The days just seem to fly by. My latest news is that I'm toying with the idea of moving to a cheaper area. Fed up with paying a lot of money for little space. My plan is to start looking with a view to moving early next year (maybe sooner). Mind you there are pros and cons as always... But, they say a change is a good as a rest.

Newlifer

Hi sorry Gaia just been a bit stressed out and didn't want to post when sounding completely down in the dumps. Your move idea sounds great. Good excuse to meet new people too.

Just had a friend to stay, such a tonic. Am starting to find making myself get out walking is paying off as got a bit fitter, killing some time and have reconnected with old friend.

What part of the country are you thinking of moving to? I had a bit of a realisation moment that I'm no longer tied and could move anywhere. Quite a liberating feeling!

Gaia2014

HI Newlifer,

I'm sorry you've been feeling down, but glad you've managed to meet up with an old friend and enjoyed yourself. Stress can be so wearisome as I've found out. I need to follow
your example and reconnect with people I've lost touch with partly by circumstance and partly by choice... my coping strategy has been avoidance. A bit of a vicious cycle really. My main source of stress is money (or rather lack of) due to my goal to be debt free by next Summer when I will actually be in a position to move.

I'll probably move to the Home Counties (Kent/Surrey/Sussex) so that I can still carry on working in my current job. I'd also like to meet somebody and will need to be fairly settled in order to achieve than. It is zoo expensive living in London and I simply can't afford to stay here beyond next year and I certainly won't be a able to afford a house with my sole income.

I hope you've had a good day and things aren't too stressful... Take care x

JasX

Hello, yes still here and wandering thru from time to time

Main thing I'd say with that plan is make sure you make the most of meeting people in London before you do flee as being settled is less of a boon to 'meeting someone' if by getting that you've ended up somewhere with a much reduced pool of people you're likely to meet!

I also 100% would not put 'being settled' as a pre-requisite to 'meeting someone', if anything I'd say having as large a pool of potentially suitable matches as possible to work with is the most important piece

I'm a big subscriber to the theory -the more people you meet/interact with socially the more you'll come across people you might consider suitable for asking out a date or seeing something develop with... and the more of those you meet the better the eventual match you're likely to settle down with (having had more close matches to choose between)

Now if I could only see that actually work in practice for me ever......

Anyways my philosophy is when it happens it'll happen and regardless of how settled or unsettled either of you are at that time both you and that future special person will both work something out given time.

Newlifer

Morning! I've noticed there are a whole series of free sports lessons being advertised at the moment so have signed myself up for 6 tennis sessions. Got none of the gear but hoping they will provide that. Hoping too there will be some nice souls also attending. Might be a laugh (mostly at my lack of ability) too.

I completely agree with JasX Gaia that it's best not to wait until you are settled to get on out there. Who knows what opportunities there are on our doorsteps if we don't explore, new people, new experiences and anyway if you're not moving far then you can keep any new friendships you make along the way.

Gaia2014

You're absolutely right JasX... the issue is a little more deep rooted. I'm tried really hard to pay my debts off. My objective is to be debt free by next Summer. In order to achieve this I live in a tiny flat and don't really have any spare cash to splash on myself to make the best of myself... I know this isn't the be all and end all, but I do like to make an effort when I'm dating... This probably sounds like a bit of an excuse. Certainly all of this shouldn't stop me socialising and widening my social network. I guess I'm not quite there yet. My job is also extremely stressful and tiring and spend more weekends recovering :cool
I will get there... I'm closer to making a few changes after a particularly stressful year...

Newlifer, the free sports lessons a good idea. Great way of meeting like minded people if you enjoy sports and it could be fun. Have you been to any events yet?

Hope everyone is having a good weekend. I'm having a domesticated one - gardening, laundry and cleaning. Boring but necessary :A. Going to treat myself to a slice of blackcurrant roulade :T

Newlifer

Gaia sorry for the massive delay in my reply. Been to 5 hockey sessions now and the final one is tomorrow. They are so friendly. Have been asked to join the team but it's takes all Saturday so sadly can't as am going to have to get a Saturday job. Like you I need to get myself straight and can then plan adventures new. I've still no resolution from my ex re the payout so am not sure where I'll be able to afford to live. Feels like he's playing games now a bit.anyway trying to focus on good stuff.

I've been searching google on "living on less" and have come across all sorts of good ideas, worth an explore anyway.

Walk on Sunday planned with my friend, it's good for the soul and I feel like I'm giving her something too which is nice, helps both of us. Having something on each day over the weekend has defo helped me so far. I'm not going out in the evenings but so far don't feel deprived.

Hope the month is going well for you.

Susan1962

Completely sympathise. I was in a similar situation after my marriage ended. Dealing with bills on my own; doubled the mortgage payments as I'd bought out the ex; had friends but either couldn't afford to spend them them and was embarrassed to admit it or felt depressed when they kept going on and on about their holidays and new cars.

What helped:

1. taking stock of the friendships. I explained to them (individually, have never been one for big groups of friends) that I couldn't afford to go to the fancy restaurant and would it be okay if we went cheap and cheerful instead? It was fine with almost everyone. The only one who made a fuss was more of a casual/work friendship and it turned out that she was not such a nice person so it was a relief to phase her out.

2. Started looking for ways to get out cheaper: I used to go to the cinema 2 or 3 times a month. Started to go once a month on Orange Wednesdays and split the cost with the person who came along

3. One of the friends passed my workplace on her way home. We met up on late night opening Thursdays. Had a cuppa and a muffin and then a wander round the shops. I was happy to window shop and, since she has a robust sense of humour, she took it in good part when I teased her about wasting money on designer stuff.

This will get better over time. I agree with the other posters about your boasting friends but with a proviso. Did they always sound as if they were boasting or are you more aware of it now? I ask because I found myself being very down on people at the beginning when I was depressed. As I got help (CBT and talking to the friends who did understand) my view of other peoples' behaviour changed and I found that I could ignore some of the remarks that had stung previously. The worst offender has turned out to be the best friend - once I was honest with her and stopped feeling cornered, if that makes sense? Sorry to ramble but what I'm trying to say is that it's good to step back from the way you're feeling as much as possible and then decide if these friends should stay or not. And if they stay, there's nothing to say that the friendship has to remain the same. Things that don't grow just stagnate. Perhaps renegotiating the boundaries of these relationships might bring an improvement.

In any case, you've come to the right place for support. The people on here are a great support. I wish you the best of luck in your journey ...