Making things work...

gonzo127

to be honest what you are writing does not sound healthy for either of you, and sounds very much like there has been a major breakdown in communication, as it appears neither of you fully listen to each other, you might hear what the other says but you are not listening to them.

Personally I don’t think there is going to be an easy solution to this, as you both need to break the cycles you have got into if you want to make it work. for this I would probably suggest a councillor, ok don’t expect miracles, and also try to accept sometimes things are just too far gone. But a councillor might just be able to get each of you to properly open up about what’s on your mind, but in a non-confrontational manner so you can see if you can fix things

steveouk

Thinking about counselling - its costs a fair bit and trying to get a time that suits can be a problem given her working 9-5. If it works it would be worth it but its getting her to agree to it.

gonzo127

i think relate is about £50 a session (about an hour) and a lot of them run evening sessions - although these do book up quickly.

but contact them find out the details of your local options, costs times etc and then speak to your OH, getting her to agree to it might be difficult if you try to skirt around the issue, but now is the time to be honest and truthful, tell her that you cant carry on like this as its not good for either of you, you never know she might be feeling exactly the same and could even be considering it already but doesnt know how to broach the subject with you!

steveouk

We have spoken about counselling before and I think I need some help. and after the argument at the beginning of the week I said in a text to her that I had spoken to a helpline and would go and get some individual counselling. surprisingly she replied that I was overreacting I said no I need to sort myself out and she was like oh ok.
When it comes to communication though I cant seem to win clearly when it comes to being in an argument me trying to get any points across is met with stonewalling etc but even when I ask her to help me out with things and we are talking calmly on another day for example she will either dismiss my asking for help or just suddenly go all nice and bribe me into keeping things as they are.


I want to go back to doing the voluntary work but feel so embarrassed that I have not been in contact with them and that I don't have that many weeks left. I really must e-mail them today but I never seem to know what to say without feeling like a nuisance or a pain.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Does she have rheumatoid arthritis? If she does, it can be like having flu all the time and can make taking a cup into the kitchen, much less washing the thing up, feel like a ten mile run. Cooking can be out of the question and then, the resulting low nutrition but high calorie takeaway food can leave you fatter, feeling even lower and missing the feeling of strength and endorphins from training. Add in steroid treatment, and putting on that amount of weight is perfectly possible without any element of bingeing. And being touched can be incredibly painful.

Guest101

I do see where you're coming from.

My mum said, in a good relationship both parties says 'its my fault'
In a bad one 'both says ts your fault'
In an abusive one, 'one says one, the other says the other'

steveouk

She has RA in her hands. The pills she is on now seem to help and she is not in as much pain. She can do washing up no problem. I just don't want her retreating into a life of TV etc. I don't think her weight gain has anything to do with RA she just had a lot on at work at the start of the year and has got into being less bothered about her eating etc. Anyway she started back at weight watchers the Wednesday before last and lost 2 pounds in the first week without trying too hard.
We were at her grandparents last weekend and an aunt said was my OH still running and she said no but she wants to get back into it. I think she has got into a rut and yes the RA had an effect to start with but now she has the medication helping her she can get back on track.


No matter in what way I try to persuade her to do things she will only do it herself. so I think I need to try and distance myself from her and get on with what I need to do. I know that when I am happy she is too and that when I am unhappy it brings her down. Though no one can be happy all the time and often I reach out to her and all I get is batted back saying don't be so stupid and all I want is to talk and she just wants to retreat away into a book or the tv.

steveouk

We have booked a holiday to Cuba in just over a month so that is why she went back to weight watchers and hope it will get her back on track. She is so much happier when she is a healthy weight and is doing her running.

millysg1

These are the same complaints you've had for the last year and nothing has changed, your still unhappy.

Why are you still together after a year of misery?

steveouk

because there are happy times though it may not seem it from this. Though I suppose the bad times are really bad.


The thing is I tried really hard while I was away this time. We had no arguments and I sent nice little parcels etc.


I told her when I would be home and thought she may meet me at the station she did not. She was rather distant when I came back and I thought there maybe a reason but no she was just doing it to annoy me. I get to the front door after walking a fair way with a lot of heavy bags and she plays silly !!!!!! and joking that I must have the wrong house or whatever. I was tired and had been travelling since the previous day on and on along flight so just was really strange that after 4 months of me really trying despite her lack of contact to keep in touch and be positive. I just felt rejected as soon as I got home. The last few weeks have been fine except the two arguments and actually we have had some tough decisions in terms of the house etc. when it comes down to it we agree and can talk fine about big decisions etc but argue about small things!!