Making things work...

steveouk

Well I have been here before so my apologies for coming back. Things had seemed to be going much better with my wife up until last Sunday. We had only had one major argument a few weeks ago and I admitted it was my fault and we moved on. But then we had a very bad argument on at the start of this week.


The next morning when she was at work I called a helpline and after talking for a while I could see how me constantly trying to make her happy has been making me unhappy. It boils down to the fact that she only needs and wants me occasionally, she jokingly calls me her man slave and although I am fine with it for a while it starts to grate after a few weeks.


I need her more than she needs me, and to me it feels like she cuts herself off from me and immerses herself in books, phone games tv etc. The lady on the helpline said maybe she finds those more interesting than me and perhaps she has a point!


I feel I need to work on myself but I feel strangled by feeling I have to make the most of the time I have with her ( I work away and have periods of time at home on leave) and also that she expects me to run around after her.

gonzo127

steveouk wrote: »

Well I have been here before so my apologies for coming back. Things had seemed to be going much better with my wife up until last Sunday. We had only had one major argument a few weeks ago and I admitted it was my fault and we moved on. But then we had a very bad argument on at the start of this week.


The next morning when she was at work I called a helpline and after talking for a while I could see how me constantly trying to make her happy has been making me unhappy. It boils down to the fact that she only needs and wants me occasionally, she jokingly calls me her man slave and although I am fine with it for a while it starts to grate after a few weeks.


I need her more than she needs me, and to me it feels like she cuts herself off from me and immerses herself in books, phone games tv etc. The lady on the helpline said maybe she finds those more interesting than me and perhaps she has a point!


I feel I need to work on myself but I feel strangled by feeling I have to make the most of the time I have with her ( I work away and have periods of time at home on leave) and also that she expects me to run around after her.

highlighted bits stick out to me very starkly, it reads to me as if you have become a little clingy which of course is not healthy for either of you. i also personally think the woman on the phone is totally wrong, and its not that she doesnt find you interesting, probably that she uses these as an escape from you trying to force the most out of your time.

it could also be down to the fact that when you are away your OH gets used to doing things the way she wants, when she wants and how she wants. so you coming back trying to 'make the most of your time, will upset her routine, and this is probably the back lash against that.

so i know this is much easier to write than do, but i would seriously suggest you stop trying so hard, find something that you want to do or somehting you like to do, and go do it.

of course let her know she is welcome to join you, but if she doesnt want to, dont force the issue and go and do it yourself anyway.

the only direction i can see from what you have written is that you will 'suffercate' her, especially as shes probably used to living her own life. so start to try and live your life for you, and you might just find that she starts to want to join you

Guest101

steveouk wrote: »

Well I have been here before so my apologies for coming back. Things had seemed to be going much better with my wife up until last Sunday. We had only had one major argument a few weeks ago and I admitted it was my fault and we moved on. But then we had a very bad argument on at the start of this week.


The next morning when she was at work I called a helpline and after talking for a while I could see how me constantly trying to make her happy has been making me unhappy. It boils down to the fact that she only needs and wants me occasionally, she jokingly calls me her man slave and although I am fine with it for a while it starts to grate after a few weeks.


I need her more than she needs me, and to me it feels like she cuts herself off from me and immerses herself in books, phone games tv etc. The lady on the helpline said maybe she finds those more interesting than me and perhaps she has a point!


I feel I need to work on myself but I feel strangled by feeling I have to make the most of the time I have with her ( I work away and have periods of time at home on leave) and also that she expects me to run around after her.

:beer: have a beer on me.

Trust me mate, i just had the exact same thing. Slowly you realise actually you dont need her. (its like a drug).

Rejection, particularly often, from someone you care about, is a constant grating on self worth, self confidence, self image. you feel the need to prove yourself to them, to justify yourself constantly.

Attention becomes controlling. You start having to 'earn' it. And when you do, you feel good. Your defences go down. The other party though, will soon bring it down. Reason? Because something has gone wrong, and you're there to take the flak.

Even if you argue, you'll be saying sorry. You'll be back. and every time you come back, you have to earn it all over again.

Do you want to keep doing that?

(BTW I have no doubt i will not heed my own words. Even though i know the above, i'll probably do it all over again.)

tea_lover

What interests of your own do you have? Do you have hobbies/friends/groups that you put time to?

steveouk

it reads to me as if you have become a little clingy which of course is not healthy for either of you.



it could also be down to the fact that when you are away your OH gets used to doing things the way she wants, when she wants and how she wants. so you coming back trying to 'make the most of your time, will upset her routine, and this is probably the back lash against that.

so i know this is much easier to write than do, but i would seriously suggest you stop trying so hard, find something that you want to do or somehting you like to do, and go do it.

of course let her know she is welcome to join you, but if she doesnt want to, dont force the issue and go and do it yourself anyway.

What you said there is very interesting. You are right she does things the way she wants and often me trying too hard or being helpful leads to things being done wrong. for example this morning I said oh no washing needs doing at the moment then she said she still had things needing doing for sunday - I have already done washing this week. she then proceeded to shout and explain why more needed doing.


Yes I am too clingy. I feel like no matter what I say she will want me to be doing pretty much everything around the house. I would just like her to maybe do the washing up or something. I feel I put a lot in and get little back.


Ok so I get stressed and feel low and worry a lot about sorting myself out and running around after her for various things and ok so she says she is perfect and is better at getting things done than me.


But this time I came home in 4 months she had put on around a stone and there were some issues with how unclean the house was. She had been doing a little less than the bare minimum and I suspect spending a little too long on the sofa and eating pizza. The kitchen was disgusting to be honest. So I kind of feel she needs help to get the house clean again!

tea_lover

Oh wow, your last post is a real eye opener! So what if she's put on some weight? You are speaking about her with contempt, and that is a one-way ticket to a dead relationship.

Your post is so similar to previous ones you've posted, it's clear that neither of you are happy. Do you want to be posting (and feeling) the same in another six months, another ten years? Just end this.

steveouk

So in terms of interests. She goes out to a social group a couple of times a month - I try to encourage her to meet up with the girls separately but anything I try to encourage is rejected even when its advice for her own good - she must know I am right and not want to take advice from me.
She tells me I need to be out the house 2 evenings of the week and I understand she needs her own space and I have found a guy who I get on with nearby so hope that will become a new friend also I try to go to a social group (meetup) once a week or so and when we can we will go together or separately to a rambling group.
She used to enjoy kick boxing but cant do it anymore due to arthritis.
We moved to start afresh in this area from far away last year.
I enjoyed doing some voluntary work last time during my leave but I have been nervous to go back and she said its not what I should be doing - but it made me happy. as it is I feel isolated and lonely and rejected and disapproved of by her.

gonzo127

simply, communication,

so you want to help, so ask her what you can do to help, i know people will always say it is disirable to see things that need doing and just do them, but what harm is there in saying, looks like the washing needs doing, shall i do it now or is there something else that needs doing first?

you can also use that inroad to suggest something for her to do, so you are not doing it all, such as 'whilst i clean the kitchen why dont you vacuum then we can go out for lunch'.

also remember, a bit of dirt and mess doesnt hurt!

and i still suggest finding something you want to do, and organise to go do it, of course inviting her, but not forcing the subject.

tea_lover

steveouk wrote: »

So in terms of interests. She goes out to a social group a couple of times a month - I try to encourage her to meet up with the girls separately but anything I try to encourage is rejected even when its advice for her own good - she must know I am right and not want to take advice from me.
She tells me I need to be out the house 2 evenings of the week and I understand she needs her own space and I have found a guy who I get on with nearby so hope that will become a new friend also I try to go to a social group (meetup) once a week or so and when we can we will go together or separately to a rambling group.
She used to enjoy kick boxing but cant do it anymore due to arthritis.
We moved to start afresh in this area from far away last year.
I enjoyed doing some voluntary work last time during my leave but I have been nervous to go back and she said its not what I should be doing - but it made me happy. as it is I feel isolated and lonely and rejected and disapproved of by her.

You are hilarious!

steveouk

I am sorry about the contempt but she often does the same to me. For example we had a huge argument because she told me I was being miserable and would not accept my explanation. I know it sounds like I am just saying I am hard done by but to me it feels like nothing I say or feel counts for anything. So that night I went up to bed very early as I was worn out and had a head ache. She then come up turns on the brightest light and says I am being miserable to which I said I am just tired and told you that downstairs.
I feel like she is very manipulative so calling me miserable to then encourage me to do things for her or get her own way.

steveouk

ok so in terms of communication I never seem to be able to get anything out of a conversation without her dismissing my ideas or saying she is not interested and goes to watch tv.
I thought maybe I would just type it all out. recognising the things that I do wrong or that make things worse and asking that she considers the affect she has on me. Then go out and hit some balls at the driving range!