Terrible Anxiety about House/Area

spookalili

I hope this is the right place to put this. I would like to apologise in advance for what is likely to be a very long, convoluted post. I'd also like to thank you all for taking the time to click and really hope somebody can help me see straight...

A little over a year ago, my partner and I finally decided to get on the housing ladder. We bought a property we were going to treat as our future family home. Truth be told, we didn't do half as much research as what we should have done but we were first time buyers and extremely excited about the future. We bought in a town my partner grew up in, just one town over from my childhood home.

My career involves working with people from disadvantaged backgrounds. The vast majority are unemployed and uneducated, mostly down to their disadvantaged upbringing in a disadvantaged area. Mostly pleasant people but some not so much. My job is incredibly draining at times and I see the same types of people again and again. Professionally, I treat every case as an individual case and do not judge or presume, but I'm finding it difficult to extend this into my personal life.

Why is this relevant? I bought in the same town as which I work and I feel quite trapped. I live on a main road made up of the most beautiful victorian houses but unfortunately, the area around it is not great. I pride myself in helping those I come in contact with every day but I feel as though this entire town is made up of people like this (damaged, angry, dangerous) and I am constantly in a state of anxiety regarding it.

My partner and I spoke about my feelings and decided it was not suitable for us to move. After all, we would no doubt lose money (we have a lot of equity in the house even after one year but for a quick sale would end up losing £10k at least after fees) and there is no single reason why a move is justified. I focused on what I could do to make my home better and made plans for home improvement - after a while, I felt a lot more positive and decided I could see the house as my *settle down* house.

Yet just three days later, we heard loud banging at our door. I opened it to find a girl screaming that she had been mugged in the nearby park and they had stolen her phone. I rang the police (for her, to make sure she was genuine!), the police asked me to keep her there until they could attend and I invited her in for a cup of tea. This woman stayed in my house for the two and a half hours it took the police to attend, telling me how her children had been taken off her, she had bipolar disorder, had been close to killing people in her past and how she had a terrible childhood. I have experience in supporting people with all the above issues and felt I handled the situation well but when she finally left, I felt sick with anxiety. I felt as though even when I was in the safety of my own home, "these people" could get to me (and believe me, I cringe when writing that...but I want to be open and honest).

This feeling hasn't subsided. I still adore my home but I despise the area. It feels as though everybody is the same, with mental health issues, drug or alcohol dependancy or have just given up on doing anything positive with their lives. I do appreciate how this sounds but I don't wish to berate these people - it is merely a life choice based heavily on their own upbringing or biological make up. However, it is totally different from my outlook on life and it is making me feel out of place and...victimised?

Crime in the surrounding area is relatively high and I am also frightened of being burgled or attacked. I know this can happen in any area but living in a house on a main road attracts attention. I literally feel sick driving up to my house in case it has been broken in to and if we do go away anywhere, I find myself panicking about what is happening to my house. I told my partner I wanted to put a large gate on our drive to stop people but I feel as though he thinks this would be silly (and expensive). He is very supportive and tries to understand how I feel but ultimately, he just isn't as anxious and nervous as I am.

I try my very best to hold judgment of people and help anybody I can but right now, I feel this is having a very negative effect on my state of mind. Ideally, I would like to overcome these feelings and enjoy where I live but right now, that feels impossible. It's like the town has a mindset that everybody except me and my partner are a part of.

I really hope this makes sense to those still reading. I feel absolutely terrible, separating myself from everybody else (which probably suggests more about me than anybody around me!) but right now, it's how I feel.

We can't sell, we can't move. I feel like I can't enjoy my life or even think about having children in this house, which makes me feel like my life is on a standstill until something changes. An awful feeling, as buying a property was supposed to be the beginning of our life together.

To be perfectly honest, I just needed to write this down rather than leave it as a jumbled pile of ideas in my head. I would really appreciate your opinions, thoughts and suggestions and would like to thank you if you've gotten this far.

Edit - I should add, my neighbour is wonderful and other than the rather random incident above and having our side gate kicked apart while we were travelling, we have had no other issues in the area which have effected us personally.

jayII

Is it worth getting a burglar alarm and putting CCTV in some of the rooms? I believe there are now cameras you can connect to your phone, so you'd be able to check all is okay before driving home.


Also might be worth looking at getting a neighbourhood watch group going, we had one when we lived in a very rough area and it was reassuring to have the signs up and to know that those neighbours who were home all day (mostly older people), would often keep an eye out and take details of any suspicious people, vehicles and so on.


I have to say though, in your situation I'd be moving if I could possibly afford it. Life is too short and precious to live in a constant state of anxiety, if it can be avoided.

Alikay

I think most of us have started out living in grotty houses or flats in dodgy areas - I know we did! The trouble with the sort of work you do, is that you are kind of immersed in the grim, impoverished side of life, and maybe it's taking its toll on you personally.

I also live in the East Midlands and know that the region is peppered with areas of deep deprivation....but there are also some lovely parts. It might help if you can make a point of getting yourself out and about into our lovely countryside or thriving historic market towns during your spare time, just to remind yourself that they are there, and one day you'll be living somewhere nicer .

ognum

spookalili wrote: »

I hope this is the right place to put this. I would like to apologise in advance for what is likely to be a very long, convoluted post. I'd also like to thank you all for taking the time to click and really hope somebody can help me see straight...

A little over a year ago, my partner and I finally decided to get on the housing ladder. We bought a property we were going to treat as our future family home. Truth be told, we didn't do half as much research as what we should have done but we were first time buyers and extremely excited about the future. We bought in a town my partner grew up in, just one town over from my childhood home.

My career involves working with people from disadvantaged backgrounds. The vast majority are unemployed and uneducated, mostly down to their disadvantaged upbringing in a disadvantaged area. Mostly pleasant people but some not so much. My job is incredibly draining at times and I see the same types of people again and again. Professionally, I treat every case as an individual case and do not judge or presume, but I'm finding it difficult to extend this into my personal life.

Why is this relevant? I bought in the same town as which I work and I feel quite trapped. I live on a main road made up of the most beautiful victorian houses but unfortunately, the area around it is not great. I pride myself in helping those I come in contact with every day but I feel as though this entire town is made up of people like this (damaged, angry, dangerous) and I am constantly in a state of anxiety regarding it.

My partner and I spoke about my feelings and decided it was not suitable for us to move. After all, we would no doubt lose money (we have a lot of equity in the house even after one year but for a quick sale would end up losing £10k at least after fees) and there is no single reason why a move is justified. I focused on what I could do to make my home better and made plans for home improvement - after a while, I felt a lot more positive and decided I could see the house as my *settle down* house.

Yet just three days later, we heard loud banging at our door. I opened it to find a girl screaming that she had been mugged in the nearby park and they had stolen her phone. I rang the police (for her, to make sure she was genuine!), the police asked me to keep her there until they could attend and I invited her in for a cup of tea. This woman stayed in my house for the two and a half hours it took the police to attend, telling me how her children had been taken off her, she had bipolar disorder, had been close to killing people in her past and how she had a terrible childhood. I have experience in supporting people with all the above issues and felt I handled the situation well but when she finally left, I felt sick with anxiety. I felt as though even when I was in the safety of my own home, "these people" could get to me (and believe me, I cringe when writing that...but I want to be open and honest).

This feeling hasn't subsided. I still adore my home but I despise the area. It feels as though everybody is the same, with mental health issues, drug or alcohol dependancy or have just given up on doing anything positive with their lives. I do appreciate how this sounds but I don't wish to berate these people - it is merely a life choice based heavily on their own upbringing or biological make up. However, it is totally different from my outlook on life and it is making me feel out of place and...victimised?

Crime in the surrounding area is relatively high and I am also frightened of being burgled or attacked. I know this can happen in any area but living in a house on a main road attracts attention. I literally feel sick driving up to my house in case it has been broken in to and if we do go away anywhere, I find myself panicking about what is happening to my house. I told my partner I wanted to put a large gate on our drive to stop people but I feel as though he thinks this would be silly (and expensive). He is very supportive and tries to understand how I feel but ultimately, he just isn't as anxious and nervous as I am.

I try my very best to hold judgment of people and help anybody I can but right now, I feel this is having a very negative effect on my state of mind. Ideally, I would like to overcome these feelings and enjoy where I live but right now, that feels impossible. It's like the town has a mindset that everybody except me and my partner are a part of.

I really hope this makes sense to those still reading. I feel absolutely terrible, separating myself from everybody else (which probably suggests more about me than anybody around me!) but right now, it's how I feel.

We can't sell, we can't move. I feel like I can't enjoy my life or even think about having children in this house, which makes me feel like my life is on a standstill until something changes. An awful feeling, as buying a property was supposed to be the beginning of our life together.

To be perfectly honest, I just needed to write this down rather than leave it as a jumbled pile of ideas in my head. I would really appreciate your opinions, thoughts and suggests and would like to thank you if you've gotten this far.

Edit - I should add, my neighbour is wonderful and other than the rather random incident above and having our side gate kicked apart while we were travelling, we have had no other issues in the area which have effected us personally.

You know you can sell and you can move, it may be disadvantageous to you financially but it make be better for you mentally.

When buying a home location is the most important thing, better a tiny flat somewhere you feel safe, secure, happy and content than a mansion where you do not.

spookalili

jayII wrote: »

Is it worth getting a burglar alarm and putting CCTV in some of the rooms? I believe there are now cameras you can connect to your phone, so you'd be able to check all is okay before driving home.


Also might be worth looking at getting a neighbourhood watch group going, we had one when we lived in a very rough area and it was reassuring to have the signs up and to know that those neighbours who were home all day (mostly older people), would often keep an eye out and take details of any suspicious people, vehicles and so on.


I have to say though, in your situation I'd be moving if I could possibly afford it. Life is too short and precious to live in a constant state of anxiety, if it can be avoided.

Thank you very much for your response, jayII. I truly appreciate the time you have taken to reply. To answer your question, we do live close to some flats who have their own neighbour watch and are very involved in it. I was thinking of wandering down and speaking to them about joining, as I'm sure they can see much more than me up there!

I am currently looking into the CCTV and burglar alarm, specifically one which calls me if it is set off. My partner is worried about getting something like this installed, as he is concerned it will only fuel my anxiety further if the alarm does go off and either of us are at work. I have to agree, although think having it as a deterrent is also important.

I suggested that we look into new builds in a different area, possibly a part exchange which would take away the stress of having to sell. My partner doesn't feel as though we will get a house as lovely as our current one and we could end up with bad neighbours or in a smaller property without the facilities of our current home. I would happily move to a smaller house in a small cul-de-sac but he does not consider this to be a good move, especially as we haven't had any considerably large issues where we are now (it's basically my mindset).

belfastgirl23

Oh I really feel for you. I think honestly this is a problem to do with your work more than anything else. You sound like you're suffering from burnout or stress. Do you have any options to move job or any support available at your job? It sounds to me like the stress from your job is overspilling and causing you to feel anxious about your life generally. You need to think about this now. You've done well sitting down and articulating it all so clearly though.

spookalili

Alikay wrote: »

I think most of us have started out living in grotty houses or flats in dodgy areas - I know we did! The trouble with the sort of work you do, is that you are kind of immersed in the grim, impoverished side of life, and maybe it's taking its toll on you personally.

I also live in the East Midlands and know that the region is peppered with areas of deep deprivation....but there are also some lovely parts. It might help if you can make a point of getting yourself out and about into our lovely countryside or thriving historic market towns during your spare time, just to remind yourself that they are there, and one day you'll be living somewhere nicer .

Such a lovely response, AliKay. Thank you

The town I live in does have some decent facilities. It has a market and is very, very close to a city which I adore. I only have a ten minute walk to work and barely need to use my car anymore and we have a beautiful green area right outside. It does have positive points but at the moment, the negatives are just clouding my mind.

I do know that a move would be better for me but I'm concerned that perhaps my worries are part of something deeper. I would hate to go through all the stress of buying and selling, only to have similar anxieties wherever I move to. Does that make sense?

C_Mababejive

You know this very day when i was having lunch this very thing crossed my mind. I was parked up in what i would consider an affluent area,certainly too rich for me and as i looked around all i saw was rows of neat semis and detached almost exclusively they had a bell box on the front and a good nuber of them had cctv,some of them with ungly and incongruous cameras.

This truly is what Britain and live in Britain has become for so many people. Quality of life is marred by anxiety about anti social behaviour and crime be it burglary or damage/theft of motor vehicles.

The miscreants are mostly untouchable and no one can do anything about them.

Is it really that bad for people in other European countries? I dont believe so..

I think if you cant even live in peace in your own home..well to me,there is no point in living at all.

burnoutbabe

could you possibly rent somewhere for 6 months (and rent your place out)

then you can work out if you are just generally anxious or it really is this area?

Alikay

spookalili wrote: »

I do know that a move would be better for me but I'm concerned that perhaps my worries are part of something deeper. I would hate to go through all the stress of buying and selling, only to have similar anxieties wherever I move to. Does that make sense?

Yes it does. It's a big problem with social workers, healthcare staff and other community workers. In theory, regular sessions with your line manager should make sure you are directed towards support should things start to get on top of you.....the reality is that it probably doesn't happen often enough. Do try and access whatever help you can via work, and maybe have a read through a couple of stress management type books in the meantime.

Primrose

I think getting an active Neighbourhood Watch area set up locally would help yiu feel more secure and also help to build more of a feeling of local community which may help yiu feel less anxious. Possibly some of your neighbkurs feel the same but just need a catalyst like you to get thngs moving. Some security devices will also help, including putting automatic timers lamps on to make yiur home look occupied after dark when it is empty.

Longer term I think its imoortsnt if you are set on staying employed in this area of work to try and move to a different district where you are not cheek by jowl with possible clients. It's really importsnt to be able to draw a dividing line betweem work and domestic life, especially when you have an emotinally drainng role so that you can walk inside your front door and leave your professinal life behind you. This isn.t being callous or snobbish. It's about being able to recharge your batteries when you are doing an emotionally challenging job. Perhaps trynto set yourselves a target so that in x years you will be planning to make a house move, but in the meantime, with Neighbourhood watch and internal security devices, you may find your anxiety starts to lessen.