Spoilt kids - would this bother you?

ben_m_g

marisco wrote: »

Simple answer is say no. Then gently explain to your daughter that she liked the movie perfectly well before the boys shared how they felt about it. Excellent opportunity here to instill in her that other peoples feelings about things shouldn't influence her own. If you give in then effectively your child ends up as pampered and spoilt as your nephews. Don't indulge her over sensitivity or you will only achieve to make a rod for your own back.

Sorry, but that's guff. She isn't oversensitive, she's 3!

LannieDuck

I agree with your response. I would have had to intervene too if it were my DD (she's 3y too). At that age, 'special' things are really special and it's horrible to see their emotions get crushed.

I would have simply been matter-of-fact that it's a good film, my DD had worked hard for it, and we were all looking forward to watching it. Pretty much what you said

I don't think it would be a bad thing for the boys to learn that they're not allowed to get away with as much as normal around you and your children. It does depend a bit on your relationship with their parents tho...

enthusiasticsaver

I think I would be annoyed as well but that is fairly typical behaviour in particular of boys who are obviously competing with each other to rubbish something they believe will reflect badly on them. Your daughter is younger than them and a girl to boot and it does sound as if your brother and his wife have the attitude "boys will be boys" which means they can get away with being mean and the parents look on it as a badge of their "toughness" which even with so called equality still means that parents like their sons to be tough, boisterous and manly. However as we had two girls we might be biased :rotfl:


I would point out to your daughter that she does not have to like the same things her cousins like and you are sure that when they were three they would have enjoyed it too. Also point out to your nephews it is not very nice to be mean to anyone who is younger than them, in particular as she is their cousin too. If their behaviour persists then restrict family visits until they are all older and the boys hopefully will have had some manners instilled in them by their peers and teachers. It is not worth putting yourself through them.

jackyann

Certainly help your daughter to feel confident in her choices, but at 3, she won't quite understand the undercurrents of this set up.
I'd agree with a more robust approach if she was older.

I would ask her to decide if she liked the DVD, and if she did, tell her that is good, and sometimes other kids say things to spoil the fun, and you don't like it.

My DS was older - age 6 - when he was asked to a school mate's house for tea. I had a feeling he was being asked so that "mate" could show off, but didn't want to make matters worse by causing a fuss. Sure enough, he came home and said that "mate" had said "let's play with my train set, it's better than yours"
I said "was it?"
DS said "no, I don't think so, he just said it was".
I left it at that, but a few months later, the mate's mum rang saying that he was upset my DS didn't play with him any more! I declined to intervene.

My DS grew up confident and well-liked.

fivetide

Caroline_a wrote: »

I might be old and possibly old-fashioned in my outlook, and certainly don't claim to have all the answers, but I think that refusing to comment on bad behaviour is the wrong thing to do. Sometimes you have to stand up and be counted.

Couldn't agree more.


I'd have been in there with "if you don't say something to them about their behaviour I will" right in front of the parents and the lads. It is important for your own child to know their parent has their back instead of sitting back and letting someone bully them.


Happened once when a friend of the ex brought their boy round. Apparently he has the odd issue which I can accept but when he started systematically breaking my (much younger) lads toys, I came out with the above line. His dad just said "oh we try to tell him but he never listens.


I think I gave it about five more seconds before saying, calmly, "Jamie, please don't break those. They aren't yours and it isn't nice." Amazingly, he stopped. Who would have known? Not his parents clearly.

jaylee3

fivetide wrote: »

Couldn't agree more.

I'd have been in there with "if you don't say something to them about their behaviour I will" right in front of the parents and the lads. It is important for your own child to know their parent has their back instead of sitting back and letting someone bully them.

Happened once when a friend of the ex brought their boy round. Apparently he has the odd issue which I can accept but when he started systematically breaking my (much younger) lads toys, I came out with the above line. His dad just said "oh we try to tell him but he never listens.

I think I gave it about five more seconds before saying, calmly, "Jamie, please don't break those. They aren't yours and it isn't nice." Amazingly, he stopped. Who would have known? Not his parents clearly.

I am with you on this.

One of my 2 brothers brought his wife and 2 boys around a couple of years ago when it was my birthday, to drop off my pressie and card, (one lad was 8 and one was 5: the older one is fairly OK sometimes, but a bit naughty sometimes, but the younger one is a little devil!) My brother and his wife just let them do whatever the chuff they want!

The younger one draws all over the walls of their house, he breaks things around the house, he dominates the tv, he doesn't go to bed til 11pm most night, the house is a tip, SIL and my brother rarely clean or tidy, she is at home all day but is a lazy slob, and the behaviour of their 2 boys reflect this.

Well anyway, this one time about 2 years back, it was my 35th birthday, and my husband had bought me a toy panda for the Christmas before (about 3 feet high!) Well, it was on the footstool in the corner, and the younger boy started grabbing at it, and pulling its ears, and bending its head severely to the left. SIL said NOTHING and neither did my brother. So I said to the boy (nicely) 'stop that darlin' coz you'll break him, thanks hun...' And he looked up at me, stopped what he was doing, and walked away sheepishly.

I swear to God, if looks could kill!!! My sister in law gave me a FILTHY look! You would think I had effed and blinded at him, thrashed him within an inch of his life, and told him to never darken our doorstep again! I just half smiled at her, but she looked away and said to my brother 'time for us to go I think...' I said to them 'you only got here 10 minutes ago...and I was about to make a coffee...' 'Well we have a lot to do today,' she said coldly, without even making eye contact with me. I had just put the kettle on, and they had just accepted the offer of a drink, but she got up and said 'we're going.' My brother looked confused, but she said 'come on!'

Although my brother came back to our house a couple of months later, my SIL did not come back to our house til the following birthday of mine. I bet my name was MUD when they left our house, but I don't care: I was not having the lovely gift my husband bought me for Christmas RUINED by a badly disciplined, disruptive little brat whose parents have no control over him!

If SHE (and my brother) are not going to show him right from wrong, then I bloomin' well will!

Even now, several years on, he is still a badly behaved brat, their house is still a tip, she is still a lazy slob, and I doubt anything will ever change!

Lunar_Eclipse

I don't think the children/family sound very nice, but I also don't think this incident alone is much of an issue. Your daughter is always going to come across children/people who have something they believe to be better, so it's an early lesson in self esteem in my opinion, that I would not be blowing up out of proportion.

I would have told your daughter that it didn't matter what they thought of the DVD, it's what she thinks that matters. And I would have considered finding a nice way to ask the boys to be respectful of your daughter's taste and feelings. They were ultimately trying to show off, and how they chose to do it just screams insecurity to me.