Renovations and Repayments.

kelpie35

The sooner you realise that you can't change what you did in the past, but hopefully learned from that, the sooner you will feel better and cope with what lies ahead.

Mrs K must have the patience of a saint, well done her for sticking by you.

From today onwards, take each day at a time. Make plans the night before what you want to achieve the next day. Write them down and tick them off as they are completed. Don't try to achieve too much in one day or you will continue to think you have failed.

wendyla

You say your parents say you are no good to anybody.

What a sad reflection on them, for don't we all shape the adults our children become?

So pleased you decided to break that pattern with your son. He will look back on my he time you spend with him now with so much happiness. No matter what has gone before,Alex, he will be your great success. Be proud

AlexLK

heartbreak_star wrote: »

Oh my goodness Alex! You're barely in your thirties (are you even there yet?) and you are talking like you're in your seventies!

:rotfl: I'm well into my 30's, will be 35 at the end of this year.

heartbreak_star wrote: »

You have NOT wasted your life. You have a little family, a place to live, and you both work and help kids off your own back. You aren't even halfway through your years yet!!

I know you love your parents...but I want to kick their backsides up between their shoulderblades. You are their son, NOT their clone - if we were all like your parents the world would be a very boring (and IMO a rather stuck-up) place.

Your parents are your past. Your wife and son are your future.

GRRRR!!

HBS x

Not really sure what to say to this. Parents aren't my past, I have to go there everyday. Which brings another reason why I won't be able to do the teaching.

turtlemoose wrote: »

this, a hundred times over.

I do understand the sentiment and do try to put my wife and son first.

cat1978 wrote: »

Hi Alex,

I'm a long time lurker of your thread, but felt compelled to post. I want to echo HBS about not being too old to teach. I went to uni, dropped out after 2 years (long story), went into accounts and became a book-keeper, got married and had 2 kids. At the age of 31 I decided I was bored of my job and would like to be a teacher, so have spent the last 5 years studying with OU, currently in my final year, just to get a degree so that I can go forward to a pgce. I'm 37 and definitely don't feel too old to make a difference, and my kids will at secondary school by the time I make it. My girls actually love the fact that I have to sit and do homework just like they do, and if anything I'm being a good role model because they understand it's never too late to do something different.

On a personal level, I came to the realisation last year that my parents will never understand me or appreciate the person I am, but that doesn't matter, because I'm getting on a bit and the most important people in my life (my children) think I'm amazing!!!!

Love Cat xx


PS sorry for long post, not sure if my waffle will help, but we're all routing for you, and just want you to be happy being the person you are :):)

I'm currently studying too, for a second MA (History of Art) part time. Good luck with your studies and forthcoming PGCE. What is your degree in? Have you applied for the PGCE yet?

My son thinks I'm amazing but I hope he won't in a few years, hardly an example I want him to follow!

AlexLK

maman wrote: »

The 'not getting any younger' comment is ridiculous as teachers are now expected to work until 68!!:eek: Similarly, you'd find a way to work around LittleK. How do you imagine all other working parents manage? Of course, working at his school isn't an answer and in any event you wouldn't be arriving and leaving at the same time as pupils.

Can't see me working in a classroom until I'm 68! :rotfl:

I really don't want my son to grow up with parents that put work before him. I know working full time doesn't necessarily mean that but it would mean less time for me to plan activities to do with him. Don't really know how others manage, as I've been working from home since before son was born.

See your point re. working at son's school.

maman wrote: »

Sadly, what you say about the profession is absolutely true. Initiatives come thick and fast and the workload is huge. And, of course the government doesn't listen to professionals. It's all about making a short term impact for reasons of political dogma. It goes back years and it's still happening. Do you remember years ago when Ken Clarke was Health Minister and the BMA poster campaign 'What do you call a man who ignores medical advice?' well it still goes on. Only yesterday I heard someone from the Prison Officers' Association explaining how Mr Gove in his new Justice role won't listen to anyone about the state of prisons. I can't see this sort of political interference ending any time soon. I think the only way you'd probably enjoy teaching long term is to bite the bullet, do your PGCE and then work in the independent sector. I'm not suggesting that it's easy there but I think your subject would be more valued and parents more able to fund instruments and private lessons.

Can't really see what there's to gain politically from such tactics; surely most people see through them now.

As for working in the independent sector, that really would mean very long hours during term time. Not sure whether I'd choose to do a Music PGCE (jobs few and far between, don't want a big commute) or KS2 (always lots of jobs in the county, can keep music for pleasure and a few pupils that I really enjoy teaching).

maman wrote: »

The only way you'll be able to change your life in the future is to let go of what you've done in the past. You've never said exactly what you actually did (not that it matters) but I'm assuming you had some sort of high-flying, well paid job which you didn't cope with so it made you ill and the into debt so your parents bailed you out. That's hardly criminal but I fail to see how wanting to return to living off your parents is going to help you move forward. So, you accepted their help when you needed it but you don't need it now. I agree with HBS that your parents are not helping by continually reminding you of past failure. It's as if because they footed the bill it gives them the right to keep harping on about it. That's not very nice in my book. Why not look at what you've managed to achieve since and in spite of all this rather than dwelling on what might have been. I hate trite phrases and clich!s but a bit of 'counting blessings' wouldn't go amiss.

To cut a long story short, I wasted a LOT of money which meant my parents refused to talk to me for the majority of my 20's. Due to having no money I chose not to do a PhD (stipend was something like £7,000 :eek:) and go into academia (this was all I'd ever wanted to do). Got a well paid job from a school connection (yes, I know, clich! of the century ) and you guessed the rest. Beyond that, I wasn't a nice person throughout my teens and 20's. Don't suppose I am now but certainly am a better person than I was, so that's some progress.

You're pretty much right about my parents.

Really don't see what I've managed to achieve, to be honest. All I can see is the fact my family and I are worse off.

kelpie35 wrote: »

The sooner you realise that you can't change what you did in the past, but hopefully learned from that, the sooner you will feel better and cope with what lies ahead.

Mrs K must have the patience of a saint, well done her for sticking by you.

From today onwards, take each day at a time. Make plans the night before what you want to achieve the next day. Write them down and tick them off as they are completed. Don't try to achieve too much in one day or you will continue to think you have failed.

I've learnt a lot from the past but still cannot understand why I couldn't get on with things like everybody else, nor why I behaved in the way I did.

Will try the one day at a time thing. However, I cannot see how that can fit with the money saving. Do want to carry on with that, even if I won't meet my new target this year.

wendyla wrote: »

You say your parents say you are no good to anybody.

What a sad reflection on them, for don't we all shape the adults our children become?

So pleased you decided to break that pattern with your son. He will look back on my he time you spend with him now with so much happiness. No matter what has gone before,Alex, he will be your great success. Be proud

I understand why my parents say the things they do. Not really their fault I treated them like my own personal cash machine for years.

Do my best for son; I'm very proud of him and feel very privileged to be a parent.

newgirly

Blimey Alex, is that all ? I was expecting s*x. drugs and rock and roll, maybe a bit of murder thrown in!

If you spent lots of you parents money and were not too pleasant, don't they take the blame for much of that? It's hard work teaching kids the right path, it doesn't always go right, but if my three went down a destructive path I would question if I had done enough.

I can't see how any if this is relevant today, Do you firmly stand up to your parents if they go down this route of conversation ? Nobody should have to live under the cloud of the past. It's time to move on, you are a different person and do not need to spend your life making amends. I am sure my parents would have prefered a dd who went to uni and had a fabulous career, instead they got me - pregnant at 20 and working in a shop :rotfl:

You should look at it all in a different way, everyhing you have done good or bad has led you to today, a different path may have meant you never met you dw and had your son.

I met my dh one day when he came into the shop I ran, it was miles from home so I would not have met him otherwise, I think it all happens for a reason

Sorry for waffling, just wanted to give you a little pep talk

wendyla

I think you come across as a great parent, Alex. You very obviously love your son and he will benefit so much from that. Plus, you give him time and attention - the two things that form the majority of happy childhood memories - much more than "stuff" does.

Regarding wasting LOTS of money in younger days. I would imagine that the vast majority of people on this site are guilty of that at one time or another, but we are not as hard on ourselves. At the risk of sounding horribly West Coast, you need to forgive yourself - the how is more challenging, but believe me, I'm right on this one!

Do that and the rest can slowly start to fall into place - take it from one who has been there.

On a lighter note, any nice family plans this weekend? My daughter and I are making tree decorations today, heaven for a 6 year old! And I'm trying to find her a violin teacher - you don't have any contacts in Yorkshire do you?!

AlexLK

newgirly wrote: »

Blimey Alex, is that all ? I was expecting s*x. drugs and rock and roll, maybe a bit of murder thrown in!

If you spent lots of you parents money and were not too pleasant, don't they take the blame for much of that? It's hard work teaching kids the right path, it doesn't always go right, but if my three went down a destructive path I would question if I had done enough.

I can't see how any if this is relevant today, Do you firmly stand up to your parents if they go down this route of conversation ? Nobody should have to live under the cloud of the past. It's time to move on, you are a different person and do not need to spend your life making amends. I am sure my parents would have prefered a dd who went to uni and had a fabulous career, instead they got me - pregnant at 20 and working in a shop :rotfl:

You should look at it all in a different way, everyhing you have done good or bad has led you to today, a different path may have meant you never met you dw and had your son.

I met my dh one day when he came into the shop I ran, it was miles from home so I would not have met him otherwise, I think it all happens for a reason

Sorry for waffling, just wanted to give you a little pep talk

I'll confirm I've not killed anyone but leave the rest to your imagination.

As for my parents, I let them say what they need to say. Wife had quite an argument with them today over them dragging up the past in front of our son, who we apparently "can't afford". Quite annoyed this has come up again as every so often they tell us we were "irresponsible" to have son at "such a young age" when we "couldn't afford" to have him. Anyone would think we were a pair of teenagers, living in a council flat, neither working who decided to have a child. To be honest, when they're like this I wish Mrs K and I could make it on our own.

Think you're right about everything good or bad has led to today. Not sure what I've done that's good, though!

wendyla wrote: »

I think you come across as a great parent, Alex. You very obviously love your son and he will benefit so much from that. Plus, you give him time and attention - the two things that form the majority of happy childhood memories - much more than "stuff" does.

Regarding wasting LOTS of money in younger days. I would imagine that the vast majority of people on this site are guilty of that at one time or another, but we are not as hard on ourselves. At the risk of sounding horribly West Coast, you need to forgive yourself - the how is more challenging, but believe me, I'm right on this one!

Do that and the rest can slowly start to fall into place - take it from one who has been there.

On a lighter note, any nice family plans this weekend? My daughter and I are making tree decorations today, heaven for a 6 year old! And I'm trying to find her a violin teacher - you don't have any contacts in Yorkshire do you?!

Thanks, Wendy. I realise buying "stuff" has nothing to do with being a good parent and a good parent is something I aim to be.

Unfortunately, I really don't see how I can forgive myself. Though I am aware to move on, this is likely what needs to happen.

This weekend has been an odd one, on Saturday I went to another teaching event (booked it ages ago and wife told me to go :rotfl:) whilst wife went for a (wet) walk with son, dog and In-Laws. Came out of there very inspired, thinking that I really want to do the course. This one was for Primary teaching. There were some other parents there too but still not sure if it'll be fair on son if I apply next year. On the other hand, in a few years he's going to want to be more independent and Mrs K is refusing to have another.

Today has been a quiet one. Whilst we've not been making Christmas decorations, we've been making things for son's party.

No contacts in Yorkshire, sorry.

kelpie35

I think it is time to be the "bigger person" with regards to your parents.

I think you need to let them know you are not willing to visit till they change their attitude to you and your wife.

I am sure if I had been your wife today, in the company of your parents, and being spoken (or lectured) to in that manner, I would have got up and told them that I would not be entering their home again until they changed their attitude, and I would expect you to support me.

Your first priority is to your wife and son.

The time has come for you to take a firm stand and if that means no contact with parents till they get the message, so be it.

AlexLK

It's not really an option for me to cease visits. If nothing else I have to go there to discuss their properties, they need me to do some work to their house and son's birthday party is there next week. Beyond that, I have to walk their dog.

Going to tell them if they've got anything negative to say for them to tell me during the week as it's not fair to Mrs K and our son.

In other news, I've transferred the usual £30 and a deal that should've put an extra few hundred £££s into the savings fell through today. Not really doing very well with the savings at the moment. On the mortgage front, we're still overpaying by just over £250 per month. Starting to realise we do need to carry on saving and complete the house. Next week's house improvement is to buy 2 dehumidifiers to try to combat the condensation problem this house suffers from.

ourcornercottage

I really feel for you with your situation with the parents.

They just don't want to let you move on, it was nice to see you not agreeing with them in your comments on here. I am afraid that they seem to be a lot of the problem in terms of your opinion of yourself. It's a shame as you seem like a very good son to me. They are lucky to have you and if in your mind you think you need to make up for things in the past you are more than doing it.

Great news re the teaching course, it seems to have reinvigorated your interest. I know what you mean about the need to be there for son and find a vocation, I think we all struggle with that one.