Renovations and Repayments.

heartbreak_star

AlexLK wrote: »

Unfortunately, they are lonely. They spent their working lives and beyond working very hard and have no friends.

Time for them to make some, then.

HBS x

newgirly

Hi Alex, my point of view may seem quite harsh comapred to what others have been posting.

My elderly relatives in the past were not as demanding as your parents, but did not want to do any hobbies and did'nt actually like any of their friends. It can be so draining to be around, my inlaws (early seventies) are not as bad as the will have a few days away every couple of years. But they also they are now together all the time , no hobbies, not really any friends left to visit.

It is not my job to entertain them and fullfill their lives, its also not the job of my dh or our kids. We will visit but on our terms as we have busy lives, I won't be guilt tripped! If one of them was left alone I would be more sensitive to the issue of loneliness, but we have not reached that yet.

You are obviously a very caring son, but it is ok to put yourself first sometimes and although its easy to say now, but I would not want to be so reliant on my three when I am older as I am aware what a burden it would be for them.

maman

AlexLK wrote: »

I've clarified the sweet situation. As for watching TV, we don't have a TV and I'm not going to spend £500+ to buy one and the £150 per year licence fee for my son to sit watching mind numbing programmes.





He will learn how to use a computer at school and should he need to use one at home, he will have access to one. To learn basic Microsoft Office, email and how to effectively use a search engine isn't a difficult skill to learn.

Only you could imagine that it's not possible to buy a television without spending £500!:rotfl:


I'm sure LittleK will learn computer skills at school. He sounds like a bright cookie and will probably take to it all readily. I think a good analogy is the thousands of children who manage to learn to read despite coming from homes where there's hardly a book in evidence, never any bedtime stories, no one talks to them etc. So, it can be done but I'm confident there's evidence that when school and home work together children do even better.


I'm so pleased about the 'ground rules' with your parents. In your position I'd push the boundaries a little and perhaps make sure you visit in the day at unpredictable times so no expectation builds up. For instance, tomorrow I'd definitely take LittleK out somewhere even if it was to the supermarket to buy his packed lunch ingredients to be sure you weren't expected for lunch at your parents home.


Finally, and I am being absolutely serious here, do your parents use a computer? There are so many 'silver surfers' these days who get hours of enjoyment and information online. Maybe your father would be interested in some genealogy?


ETA:I think you deserved a celebratory drink after going visiting, quite an acheivement. Make yourself do it every school holiday. You can manage 6 times a year.;)

turtlemoose

AlexLK wrote: »

I don't suppose I can really comprehend it. .. I can't really see how anyone can live independently on £1,900 per month

Because they have to, that's how.

Here's a fictional, but perfectly reasonable, SOA for my 2 adults 1 child earning minimum wage (1 FT, 1 25hrs). There's very little wriggle room. If they ditched the tv they'd have an extra £30 a month but if it was me I'd keep the tv. As you can see, they can't afford to borrow money, so they have no debt in my scenario.

Statement of Affairs and Personal Balance Sheet

Monthly Income Details

Total monthly income.................... 1900[/b]

Monthly Expense Details
Rent.................................... 550
Council tax............................. 120
Electricity............................. 30
Gas..................................... 45
Water rates............................. 25
Telephone (land line)................... 17
Mobile phone............................ 30
TV Licence.............................. 12
Satellite/Cable TV...................... 20
Internet Services....................... 20
Groceries etc. ......................... 300
Clothing................................ 30
Petrol/diesel........................... 200
Road tax................................ 30
Car Insurance........................... 80
Car maintenance (including MOT)......... 70
Other child related expenses............ 30
Medical (prescriptions, dentist etc).... 10
Contents insurance...................... 15
Life assurance ......................... 30
Presents (birthday, christmas etc)...... 30
Haircuts................................ 5
Entertainment........................... 100
Holiday................................. 50
Emergency fund.......................... 50
Total monthly expenses.................. 1899



Monthly Budget Summary
Total monthly income.................... 1,900
Expenses (including HP & secured debts). 1,899
Available for debt repayments........... 1
Monthly UNsecured debt repayments....... 0
Amount left after debt repayments....... 1

Created using the SOA calculator at https://www.stoozing.com.
Reproduced on Moneysavingexpert with permission, using other browser.

edinburgher

When Mrs E goes down to unpaid statutory maternity leave, our combined income including CB will be approximately tuppence over £1900. I'm not planning to jump off a bridge just yet.

Goldiegirl

AlexLK wrote: »

I've clarified the sweet situation. As for watching TV, we don't have a TV and I'm not going to spend £500+ to buy one and the £150 per year licence fee for my son to sit watching mind numbing programmes. My wife used to like watching trash TV of an evening but after a month without it she realised there are better ways to spend time. Every now and then we do watch a little TV at my parents' house. I do not believe computers or mobile 'phones are for children. We all spend far too much time in our adult lives being contactable 24/7.

Frankly, there's more to talk about than TV and computers. My son plays and listens to lots of music (not just "Classical"), reads (or I / Mrs K read to him) lots of varied books. He loves being outdoors, has a big interest in wildlife and does horse riding. We take him to castles, museums, parks and to places of local interest. Can't really see how there's not enough to talk about with peers there.


My parents turned their house into a home with the intention of passing it down to future generations. Therefore, I cannot see our current house as 'home'. Giving my son a home that will always be there and will be passed to him is very important to me. I suppose this is old fashioned but it is the way I was raised. Mother is from a farming family that have passed their house and business from one generation to the next for many years.

It's not just trash and mind numbing programmes on TV - there's lots of interesting documentaries too !


I've done a lot of work on my family tree, and there is a branch of the family who has had the same farm for 200 years, which, I think, is fairly unusual these days.


So, if we follow your logic, your mum still thinks of the farm as 'home', because that's where she grew up?


Apart from a few family farms and landed gentry, very few people make a 'thing' of passing a home down to generations to come. I remember posting on your previous thread a couple of years ago, that your parents house isn't Downton Abbey (not that you watch TV!), it's just a house. When the time comes, you could sell it, and nothing bad would happen! But, I know you've had this tremendous weight of expectation placed on you by your parents, and their wishes are virtually hardwired into your DNA.


All I would say is, don't lumber your son with the same weight of expectation about this bloomin' house.

AlexLK

A_Frayed_Knot wrote: »

Could you get them interested in any type of hobby, crafts, painting(the easel kind), baking,(maybe you could ask for a certain cake for your visit), jigsaws, even a pack of cards, what were they interested in years and years ago, reading? watching films?(maybe not, if you don't like tv) did they have a particular talent, that they would like to do again, or even advise folk on their specialised knowledge. Most grandparents love to pass on knowledge and family information to their grandchildren.

You mentioned your mother drives, could they go a run (in the car, that is:)) into town (have lunch).

Hope you stick to your guns and get into a routine that works for you all.:)

As for your son and computer - you really don't want him to get left behind. If I don't know how to do something on the computer (i'm very basic, self taught, and way, way behind:o) and ask someone else who doesn't know, they usually tell me to ask a 5 year old, the same with my mobile(basic, again), i'll say i don't know how to do that, i'll get the same answer, ask a 5 year old, they'll show you:D.

My parents love spending time with my son. They spend a lot of time reading and my mother does a lot of dog walking. They do get out and have their own interests but it depends on my father's health. However, they don't speak to people.

heartbreak_star wrote: »

Time for them to make some, then.

HBS x

I wish they would.

newgirly wrote: »

Hi Alex, my point of view may seem quite harsh comapred to what others have been posting.

My elderly relatives in the past were not as demanding as your parents, but did not want to do any hobbies and did'nt actually like any of their friends. It can be so draining to be around, my inlaws (early seventies) are not as bad as the will have a few days away every couple of years. But they also they are now together all the time , no hobbies, not really any friends left to visit.

It is not my job to entertain them and fullfill their lives, its also not the job of my dh or our kids. We will visit but on our terms as we have busy lives, I won't be guilt tripped! If one of them was left alone I would be more sensitive to the issue of loneliness, but we have not reached that yet.

You are obviously a very caring son, but it is ok to put yourself first sometimes and although its easy to say now, but I would not want to be so reliant on my three when I am older as I am aware what a burden it would be for them.

Thanks, NG. All makes a lot of sense. I think we all hope we won't be a burden when we're older.

Unfortunately, I suppose I am already guilty and in a lot of ways want to make up for the years that I didn't speak to my parents. I don't mind going there until they drag up the past or are very critical.

AlexLK

maman wrote: »

Only you could imagine that it's not possible to buy a television without spending £500!:rotfl:

I'm sure LittleK will learn computer skills at school. He sounds like a bright cookie and will probably take to it all readily. I think a good analogy is the thousands of children who manage to learn to read despite coming from homes where there's hardly a book in evidence, never any bedtime stories, no one talks to them etc. So, it can be done but I'm confident there's evidence that when school and home work together children do even better.

I'm so pleased about the 'ground rules' with your parents. In your position I'd push the boundaries a little and perhaps make sure you visit in the day at unpredictable times so no expectation builds up. For instance, tomorrow I'd definitely take LittleK out somewhere even if it was to the supermarket to buy his packed lunch ingredients to be sure you weren't expected for lunch at your parents home.

Finally, and I am being absolutely serious here, do your parents use a computer? There are so many 'silver surfers' these days who get hours of enjoyment and information online. Maybe your father would be interested in some genealogy?

ETA:I think you deserved a celebratory drink after going visiting, quite an acheivement. Make yourself do it every school holiday. You can manage 6 times a year.;)

My son has seen a computer before! Both my wife and I have shown him things on the internet. Learning to use a computer is not as important as learning how to read but I appreciate he will need to know how to use Microsoft Office, write an email and use a search engine. Should he need to use one, I will let him under supervision. However, I don't want him playing mind numbing games on the internet and I do not see the point in iPad type devices at all.

We went for lunch at my parents' today but tomorrow is a 'day off'. I do need to stop dropping everything to go there, though.

Yes, my parents have a computer and, dare I say, an iPad :eek:. My father is very interested in history in general. Not sure he'd get far with the genealogy as his grandparents were Irish, will suggest it, though.

:rotfl: Visit them every holiday? Erm, no thanks.

turtlemoose wrote: »

Because they have to, that's how.

Here's a fictional, but perfectly reasonable, SOA for my 2 adults 1 child earning minimum wage (1 FT, 1 25hrs). There's very little wriggle room. If they ditched the tv they'd have an extra £30 a month but if it was me I'd keep the tv. As you can see, they can't afford to borrow money, so they have no debt in my scenario.

Statement of Affairs and Personal Balance Sheet

Monthly Income Details

Total monthly income.................... 1900[/b]

Monthly Expense Details
Rent.................................... 550
Council tax............................. 120
Electricity............................. 30
Gas..................................... 45
Water rates............................. 25
Telephone (land line)................... 17
Mobile phone............................ 30
TV Licence.............................. 12
Satellite/Cable TV...................... 20
Internet Services....................... 20
Groceries etc. ......................... 300
Clothing................................ 30
Petrol/diesel........................... 200
Road tax................................ 30
Car Insurance........................... 80
Car maintenance (including MOT)......... 70
Other child related expenses............ 30
Medical (prescriptions, dentist etc).... 10
Contents insurance...................... 15
Life assurance ......................... 30
Presents (birthday, christmas etc)...... 30
Haircuts................................ 5
Entertainment........................... 100
Holiday................................. 50
Emergency fund.......................... 50
Total monthly expenses.................. 1899



Monthly Budget Summary
Total monthly income.................... 1,900
Expenses (including HP & secured debts). 1,899
Available for debt repayments........... 1
Monthly UNsecured debt repayments....... 0
Amount left after debt repayments....... 1

Created using the SOA calculator at https://www.stoozing.com.
Reproduced on Moneysavingexpert with permission, using other browser.

Thanks, it's interesting to see it can be done. However, I cannot help but wonder what would happen in practice as I think it would require a lot of discipline to live on that income without getting into debt or have family paying bills.

edinburgher wrote: »

When Mrs E goes down to unpaid statutory maternity leave, our combined income including CB will be approximately tuppence over £1900. I'm not planning to jump off a bridge just yet.

That's only for a few months, though. However, being THE money saving expert I think you'll be fine.

AlexLK

Goldiegirl wrote: »

It's not just trash and mind numbing programmes on TV - there's lots of interesting documentaries too !

I've done a lot of work on my family tree, and there is a branch of the family who has had the same farm for 200 years, which, I think, is fairly unusual these days.

So, if we follow your logic, your mum still thinks of the farm as 'home', because that's where she grew up?

Apart from a few family farms and landed gentry, very few people make a 'thing' of passing a home down to generations to come. I remember posting on your previous thread a couple of years ago, that your parents house isn't Downton Abbey (not that you watch TV!), it's just a house. When the time comes, you could sell it, and nothing bad would happen! But, I know you've had this tremendous weight of expectation placed on you by your parents, and their wishes are virtually hardwired into your DNA.

All I would say is, don't lumber your son with the same weight of expectation about this bloomin' house.

To be fair, you are right about some interesting programmes on TV. Don't believe there's enough to warrant me buying one, though.

The farm is still in mother's family but you're right in saying that's becoming unusual and I don't know what will happen to it once the current custodian is no longer with us.

Not sure why I'd choose to sell my parents' house? I suppose I hope my son will want to keep the house in the family but I can't say I'd be upset if that wasn't the case because his happiness means more to me than my parents' wishes (wouldn't tell them that, though).

AlexLK

After trying not to think about the upcoming work on the house for a while, today I've been looking at what could be done with the bathroom. May have something to do with the current discussion on Ed's diary.

I know I've posted this elsewhere but I think it deserves another post on here: http://www.englishsalvage.co.uk/reclaimed-canopy-bath-and-shower-unit_item_15736 This would be wonderful but really not sure I could [STRIKE]lie to Mrs K about the cost[/STRIKE] justify the cost.