Renovations and Repayments.

AlexLK

Not had a great day today. Tried to keep it together as we're home tomorrow but not really been well. Apprehension for the coming year has well and truly set in. Spoke to my cousin on the 'phone earlier as my son is going there for a few days next week due to induction days etc. All I could think after speaking to her is that I'm not doing the right thing. I know my son sometimes feels his mother isn't there for him and am concerned he's going to think I'm not either. At the moment he's very excited by the idea of daddy being a teacher and going to my cousin's after school (mainly to do with their horses and land I think) but my concern is this having some lasting damage. Mrs K is concerned I'm going to make myself ill again, don't think she has much faith in me.

I've also been thinking about our finances. I don't feel we're in a very good position, especially for my age. This is my fault, I got us into near financial ruin through not being able to cope with life and we've not really recovered from it. For this coming year, I cannot see things getting any better as I will only be contributing what I take from managing the properties. I know I could take more but feel it is wrong. I do want to try to make some money from antiques dealing again but that will cover the course fees at best this year. Next year it will top up my teaching wage if things work out. No matter what I do I know I'm not going to match my parents' accumulation.

Amanda, thank you. 🙂 My son doesn't do a lot of activities, rather we concentrate on two out of school (music and horse riding). However, I am guilty of planning a lot of academic work to complete with him as I suppose historically I've only trusted myself with his education. Had my wife not been completely opposed to the idea I would have more than likely home-schooled. Recently I've been pleased with his choice of school but know my parents want me to send him to my old school for Sept. 2018. At the moment I want to keep him at his current school but am still concerned by doing this I'm potentially limiting his life chances. Can't do the right things as a parent, eh?

I love Cornwall and would choose over California, sorry! Technology concerns me, not for my son as I'm very strict about it. He can use my iPad, for instance, but only with me and only for worthwhile purposes. However, I know far too many parents using such devices as entertainment for their children.:(

Red squirrel, I hadn't thought about it in that way. 🙂

Hidden shadow, I don't know. However, my wife doesn't have praise for me. She's outright told me before that she doesn't have any respect for me.

kelpie35

Sorry you have not felt too well today.

You are just having jitters about embarking on a new career that we know you will do so well at.

Please try to relax and things will fall into place.

Your son will be fine and he knows how much he is loved.

Take care, and safe journey home.

newgirly

With quite a few big changes now much closer on the horizon, I'm not surprised you are having a wobble, I would think it strange if you didn't to be honest!

The issues you are worrrying about are ones you have considered before, when in a better frame of mind you have decided that they are not problems and could even be seen as plus points to the changes you are making.

I think your son will benefit greatly from spending time after school with your cousin and her horses, if he really does feel distant from his mum ( which clearly she still needs to address) then having a strong positive female figure in his life is very beneficial. "Being there" for your son does not mean physically all of the time, it means he feels safe and secure and loved by you all of the time whether you are there or not - which it clearly sounds like he does

You are doubting yourself at the moment and you do not need to, yes you have made mistakes in the past and the knock in effect has meant less money now, so have I, so have at least half the people on mse I should think the point is you've turned things around and should be proud of that.

Forget about worrying about little k's schooling next year, you have plenty of time to decide what to do, focus on right now for the moment and I think you will know what is best when the time comes.

Have you told your wife you need a bit of support right now? Sometimes we just need somebody to listen and tell us to not panic and that it will all be ok. Sorry if that sounds patronising When my Dd gets stressed over things I always say the same (probably silly) line to her " I'm not worried about it, so you don't need to be".

I think you will be fine Alex

Suffolk_lass

Hello Alex, sorry to hear you have some areas of anxiety swirling around in your head and dominating your thoughts, causing you to worry. This is normal in the build up to a new situation and it is bound to dominate your thoughts as time takes you closer to it.

We don't know the extent or detailed manifestation of your mental health episode previously, and for this reason, our mitigation strategies may not work for you, but your own techniques and the tools you have will help you to keep your anxiety under control if you rely on them. If the ones you use now do not work, you can learn others to help you mitigate.

Having just returned from holiday I am reading with "fresh eyes". I see the things you are concerned about as:

1 your Son's development, health and wellbeing
2 money and where you are in life
3 your capability to take on this new thing
4 your Parents' health, wellbeing and your relationship with them
5 your Wife - her support, opinion, behaviour and your relationship
6 your relationship with your Wife's family

The tools and techniques you have already in place -

1 - a) your cousin is going to help with childcare, b) your time and efforts with him - your Son is happy and balanced, secure in his relationships and, from your reports, a contented and happy child. c) You augment what he learns at school, giving a balance - he develops social skills in a range of environments, with a range of people, which is really healthy and positive. And d) he is bright, healthy and happy - you will see if any of these change (I did, and still do with my Son)

2 a) you are not in debt, except (I think) a mortgage. b) you use spreadsheets to monitor your spends, planned spends and savings. c) you do not spend with the impetuosity of your youth, and d) you have recourse to other funds, if needed - although you choose not to. In terms of where you are at this stage in your life, e) you know it is not all about capital and material goods but you balance this by valuing some possessions f) you have a plan so you know the length of time the financial pressure will last and you have the tools (spreadsheet, reviews and plans) to manage this and the means (future salary, antiques and other assets) to mitigate unexpected pressures.

3. a) you have been doing your technical preparation and b) giving thought and consideration to how your time will go c) you regularly record what you must concentrate on e.g. earlier nights, better sleep, meditation and reflection, relaxation and "downtime" d) you are very self aware and e) you "talk about it" on here, which is a technique not to internalise it all, and "we" do our best to use suggestions, reassurance and examples of our own to help.

I'm not going to list against 4,5 and 6 because you know what I'm saying and I don't want to make the World's longest post this morning ;-)

You really are doing really well. Life's complicated. So are people. Sometimes not everything goes smoothly. That is what develops us. You are doing pretty well. Well done and I hope you all have a lovely bank holiday weekend

maman

Alex, hope today is so taken up with polishing the cutlery and travelling that you don't have the time to worry.:D


Suffolk Lass has itemised clearly that you are doing extremely well in all avenues of your life. I think you spend too long comparing yourself with ideals that are unattainable if they exist at all. You know that many of the people who seem to be financially very well off are deeply in debt. Those with flash, new cars probably have them on a lease. One of the best gifts you can give your child is to understand the world around him. I'm not just talking about the academic aspects but also learning to mix and get on with people from all walks of life. Sending him to an independent school might risk feeding the 'special snowflake/'little rich boy' mentality and isolate him from others. It would be different if you were dissatisfied with his state schooling.


Finally, in all the years I was teaching, I always had an apprehensive feeling at the start of a new school year. I always thought I wouldn't be able to cope or some hideous pupil would join that was unmanageable. That feeling generally disappeared before lunchtime on the first day!

Red-Squirrel_2

Oh Alex, I'm so sorry to hear you're anxious. Your thoughts always seem to get dragged back to the same old worries when you are feeling down, even though on your better days you know that these things aren't true!

Finances, you know rationally that you are in a better position than most people in this country, that you are in no danger of starving, becoming homeless or going bankrupt.

Your wife, things have been going so much better, you have been communicating and both making a real effort to value each other.

Your teaching, absolutely normal to be apprehensive before embarking on something so new and scary/exciting!

AlexLK

kelpie35 wrote: »

Sorry you have not felt too well today.

You are just having jitters about embarking on a new career that we know you will do so well at.

Please try to relax and things will fall into place.

Your son will be fine and he knows how much he is loved.

Take care, and safe journey home.

Thanks Kelpie.

This does feel like starting a new job rather than just a course (majority of time is spent in school and I know who my class are for the first term). Have set myself a target to be in bed before midnight and have done some pre course reading tonight too. Over the weekend, I'm getting back into the early to bed routine. Mrs K has told me twice today "it doesn't matter if things don't work out" - no faith I will complete this course.

newgirly wrote: »

With quite a few big changes now much closer on the horizon, I'm not surprised you are having a wobble, I would think it strange if you didn't to be honest!

The issues you are worrrying about are ones you have considered before, when in a better frame of mind you have decided that they are not problems and could even be seen as plus points to the changes you are making.

I think your son will benefit greatly from spending time after school with your cousin and her horses, if he really does feel distant from his mum ( which clearly she still needs to address) then having a strong positive female figure in his life is very beneficial. "Being there" for your son does not mean physically all of the time, it means he feels safe and secure and loved by you all of the time whether you are there or not - which it clearly sounds like he does

You are doubting yourself at the moment and you do not need to, yes you have made mistakes in the past and the knock in effect has meant less money now, so have I, so have at least half the people on mse I should think the point is you've turned things around and should be proud of that.

Forget about worrying about little k's schooling next year, you have plenty of time to decide what to do, focus on right now for the moment and I think you will know what is best when the time comes.

Have you told your wife you need a bit of support right now? Sometimes we just need somebody to listen and tell us to not panic and that it will all be ok. Sorry if that sounds patronising When my Dd gets stressed over things I always say the same (probably silly) line to her " I'm not worried about it, so you don't need to be".

I think you will be fine Alex

Thanks, NG.

I know it's the same things. This morning I was calculating if I could stay in Spain with my son and not come home. :rotfl: Not been a great day as we've been travelling. Flying was really difficult today, had hardly any sleep last night and found being on the flight really triggered a lot of anxiety symptoms. At least I am familiar with it, so it wasn't as horrendous could have been.

I wish my wife could see he needs a positive female figure in his life. She wanted to be that figure had we a daughter but believes our son doesn't need her to be that figure.

Our finances concern us and I've switched off a little from talking about it as it's become a source of anxiety for the past few months. I am becoming increasingly aware of my age and feel time is running out for me to make any significant amount of money. It's not helped by my parents regularly telling me where I should be financially and I shouldn't owe a mortgage on "such a modest house".

At the moment I feel my son is at the right school for him and am really pleased he's settled there. I don't want the upheaval of moving school, to be honest and he really doesn't like the thought of moving school (my parents have mentioned to him that he will be moving soon).:mad:

Not patronising at all. I think she's worked out I'm struggling. She spoke to my parents this evening and told them I'd got a bad headache so wouldn't be going around there. I hadn't but was pleased I haven't had to speak to them this evening.

Really hope I will be.

Suffolk_lass wrote: »

Hello Alex, sorry to hear you have some areas of anxiety swirling around in your head and dominating your thoughts, causing you to worry. This is normal in the build up to a new situation and it is bound to dominate your thoughts as time takes you closer to it.

We don't know the extent or detailed manifestation of your mental health episode previously, and for this reason, our mitigation strategies may not work for you, but your own techniques and the tools you have will help you to keep your anxiety under control if you rely on them. If the ones you use now do not work, you can learn others to help you mitigate.

Having just returned from holiday I am reading with "fresh eyes". I see the things you are concerned about as:

1 your Son's development, health and wellbeing
2 money and where you are in life
3 your capability to take on this new thing
4 your Parents' health, wellbeing and your relationship with them
5 your Wife - her support, opinion, behaviour and your relationship
6 your relationship with your Wife's family

The tools and techniques you have already in place -

1 - a) your cousin is going to help with childcare, b) your time and efforts with him - your Son is happy and balanced, secure in his relationships and, from your reports, a contented and happy child. c) You augment what he learns at school, giving a balance - he develops social skills in a range of environments, with a range of people, which is really healthy and positive. And d) he is bright, healthy and happy - you will see if any of these change (I did, and still do with my Son)

2 a) you are not in debt, except (I think) a mortgage. b) you use spreadsheets to monitor your spends, planned spends and savings. c) you do not spend with the impetuosity of your youth, and d) you have recourse to other funds, if needed - although you choose not to. In terms of where you are at this stage in your life, e) you know it is not all about capital and material goods but you balance this by valuing some possessions f) you have a plan so you know the length of time the financial pressure will last and you have the tools (spreadsheet, reviews and plans) to manage this and the means (future salary, antiques and other assets) to mitigate unexpected pressures.

3. a) you have been doing your technical preparation and b) giving thought and consideration to how your time will go c) you regularly record what you must concentrate on e.g. earlier nights, better sleep, meditation and reflection, relaxation and "downtime" d) you are very self aware and e) you "talk about it" on here, which is a technique not to internalise it all, and "we" do our best to use suggestions, reassurance and examples of our own to help.

I'm not going to list against 4,5 and 6 because you know what I'm saying and I don't want to make the World's longest post this morning ;-)

You really are doing really well. Life's complicated. So are people. Sometimes not everything goes smoothly. That is what develops us. You are doing pretty well. Well done and I hope you all have a lovely bank holiday weekend

Thank you, SL. Was the rest of your holiday good?

You have basically summed up everything I'm concerned about. When things are particularly bad, I struggle to implement techniques to help with either anxiety or some of the dark thoughts I have. I'm going to save this post as reading it has made me see a bit of reason. Thank you, SL.

I know I shouldn't write a lot of the things I do. However, I also know from experience I cannot ignore things. Probably sounds ridiculous to anyone else and I cannot help but be surprised that there are people on here choosing to read and respond to the drivel I write. Rather grateful for it, though and a lot of things people have written on here has really helped to change my mindset in a lot of different ways. I would not be embarking on the journey to becoming a teacher if not for MSE as one of the reasons I started volunteering in a challenging school was due to people's responses to my debt free diary challenged my views about who attends state school. Sounds awful to even me these days but having my views challenged seems to be a good thing.

AlexLK

maman wrote: »

Alex, hope today is so taken up with polishing the cutlery and travelling that you don't have the time to worry.:D

Suffolk Lass has itemised clearly that you are doing extremely well in all avenues of your life. I think you spend too long comparing yourself with ideals that are unattainable if they exist at all. You know that many of the people who seem to be financially very well off are deeply in debt. Those with flash, new cars probably have them on a lease. One of the best gifts you can give your child is to understand the world around him. I'm not just talking about the academic aspects but also learning to mix and get on with people from all walks of life. Sending him to an independent school might risk feeding the 'special snowflake/'little rich boy' mentality and isolate him from others. It would be different if you were dissatisfied with his state schooling.

Finally, in all the years I was teaching, I always had an apprehensive feeling at the start of a new school year. I always thought I wouldn't be able to cope or some hideous pupil would join that was unmanageable. That feeling generally disappeared before lunchtime on the first day!

Thanks, maman.

I had the concern about the hideous pupil before I met the class on transition day. Perhaps they've lured me into a false sense of security but they seem a really lovely class. However, the not being able to cope is at large. For me, it's a genuine fear which I'm not sure will go away. Really hope it's gone by lunch on the first day, though as I do want this to work out. As much as I've said it's an experience whether it does or not, at the moment my goal is to be taking an NQT post next year.

I know my parents have no debts / cars on lease etc. :rotfl: It concerns me I will not do as well as them, it seems practically impossible to me.

I hope I am providing opportunities for my son to understand the world around me. I'd like to think I'm providing him with more opportunities than I was afforded to meet all kinds of people.

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

Oh Alex, I'm so sorry to hear you're anxious. Your thoughts always seem to get dragged back to the same old worries when you are feeling down, even though on your better days you know that these things aren't true!

Finances, you know rationally that you are in a better position than most people in this country, that you are in no danger of starving, becoming homeless or going bankrupt.

Your wife, things have been going so much better, you have been communicating and both making a real effort to value each other.

Your teaching, absolutely normal to be apprehensive before embarking on something so new and scary/exciting!

Thanks, red squirrel.

Unfortunately, yes it does seem to be the same things.

I can feel my trust slipping re. My wife. To be honest, your post has made me think if it's anything she's actually done or just me jumping to conclusions.

Still excited about teaching as well as apprehensive, so that must be a good sign, eh?:)

maman

AlexLK wrote: »

Still excited about teaching as well as apprehensive, so that must be a good sign, eh?:)

Definitely! That's the way I felt every year without fail. And somehow I ended up blagging my way to being a headteacher. I still can't believe it but people tell me I did OK. Go for it Alex , it won't make you rich but you'll make a difference. :A

smallholdingsister

Every year about now I start thinking I have forgotten how to teach. That's 24 years in. It is a good sign that you are worried as it will mean you are diligent and committed.