Renovations and Repayments.

misscousinitt

Hi Alex

No luck with finding that article about the sailing boat wildlife cruises (wasn't featured on the website) - but I have to go down the town tomorrow, so will pop into WHS and see if they still have a copy of the mag and i'll have a look for you.

Just read a bit of your diary and I just wanted to send (((hugs))) for the difficulties with your parents. I haven't read all about it yet, but I just wanted to say that I understand - my Dad was always very difficult when he was alive and caused no end of upset and distress - you are not alone and from what I've seen, you are doing really well and have alot to be proud of.

MCI

choccielover

I think I suggested Clumber. It's lovely isn't it. Nice long walks and the discovery centre is really nice. Did he like the giant ant

Have you done hardwick hall yet? I think there is a castle near there too but I can never remember the name. Chatsworth estate too??

Glad you enjoyed it

Families are funny things. At one point we were really close to mine but then the world changed when our daughter came along and for a long time I did millions of things to try and make everyone happy which ultimately left me feeling totally unsatisfied and unhappy.
I reached the bottom and when I came back up it was with a new view on life that it's mine for living. That doesn't mean stepping away from my family fully, I just choose when I want to join in rather than living my life doing what everyone else expects me to do.

AlexLK

Debsnewbudget wrote: »

Stay strong Alex
Offering support does NOT mean moving in with them

Thanks, Debs.

A_Frayed_Knot wrote: »

You seem to be doing just fine. Offering support is fine, eg a lift to the GP's, they are your parents after all.

But just remember how well you are doing, having less contact with them, you are having fun, enjoying life, having lunches with DW and DS and selling cars :eek: and decluttering and o/p, and talk of getting the roof fixed, Oh and the big bonus - sleeping better, well actually sleeping, not sure if that's the lavender or not, you never said if you ever got round to buying some

I'm doing a lot better and my marriage is better than it's ever been at the moment. To be honest, I don't think I can give that up for my parents at the moment.

Yes, we have lavender.

maman wrote: »

Delighted to hear that the lovely summer continues. Lovely idea to meet up with MrsK for lunch the other day too. Hope you have some good plans for her leave time.:)

I think it's quite normal to feel like that as the balance of responsibility changes over time. I experienced much the same with my own mother in her later years. It's as if you become the adult and they become the child which feels very odd.

If you use your relationship with LittleK as an analogy then you'd love him no matter what but be adult/responsible enough not to let him behave badly because you're the adult and he's the child.

Similarly you'd see through LittleK immediately if he was trying to manipulate you or get his own way by devious means such as trying to get a day off sick with a tummy ache because you'd told him off. What you'd do is offer to take him to the doctor! Which is exactly what you've done with your father.;)

This has gone far past the waiting for an apology from your father for his behaviour. Even if that was forthcoming (which it might if they get desperate for their own way) then you must remain in control. Some short focused visiting on your own terms (like a coffee, a discussion about the business, a walk with the dog) will be possible when term starts but definitely no moving in or spending evenings there when you should be in your own home.

Stay strong. You've far too much to lose by giving in now.:A

Having a wonderful summer with my wife and son.

Whilst I know my parents did the best they could (don't we all?), I'm starting to realise in some ways they really have messed my life up. I somewhat resent them for them always viewing me as a problem they need to throw money at and I somewhat resent them restricting me from the 'real world'. I understand why but in some ways I think they set me up to make myself ill. Yes, I suppose I should've worked things out for myself (which I didn't) but as a parent myself, I cannot understand why they were always so cold. Now, they want me in their lives but still seem to enjoy making me feel useless. Yet I know I'm their only child and they don't really have any friends.

Today I left my son riding at my cousin's house and visited them after numerous 'phone calls. My father was rather rude and I had yet another book thrown at me, apparently this is because he is "depressed" according to mother. I did loose my temper a little and it probably wasn't wise to tell my mother I don't think being a cantankerous old ******* means he suffers from depression. As far as I can remember it's the first time I've ever swore in front of my parents. After an apology from me but not from him for his behaviour because he's my father they decided to talk to me in a civil manner whilst my father decided to tell me all about two friends he knew in the '50's as if I was a friend of theirs and knew them which was a bit disturbing. It's not unusual for father but having been away from sitting through such lectures for a while made me realise it is a little odd. Have to say I made my excuses and went back to riding with my son.

AlexLK

misscousinitt wrote: »

Hi Alex

No luck with finding that article about the sailing boat wildlife cruises (wasn't featured on the website) - but I have to go down the town tomorrow, so will pop into WHS and see if they still have a copy of the mag and i'll have a look for you.

Just read a bit of your diary and I just wanted to send (((hugs))) for the difficulties with your parents. I haven't read all about it yet, but I just wanted to say that I understand - my Dad was always very difficult when he was alive and caused no end of upset and distress - you are not alone and from what I've seen, you are doing really well and have alot to be proud of.

MCI

Thank you for having a look for me, it's much appreciated.

My parents are very difficult people, MCI. Thank you, I'm trying my best.

choccielover wrote: »

I think I suggested Clumber. It's lovely isn't it. Nice long walks and the discovery centre is really nice. Did he like the giant ant

Have you done hardwick hall yet? I think there is a castle near there too but I can never remember the name. Chatsworth estate too??

Glad you enjoyed it

Families are funny things. At one point we were really close to mine but then the world changed when our daughter came along and for a long time I did millions of things to try and make everyone happy which ultimately left me feeling totally unsatisfied and unhappy.
I reached the bottom and when I came back up it was with a new view on life that it's mine for living. That doesn't mean stepping away from my family fully, I just choose when I want to join in rather than living my life doing what everyone else expects me to do.

Clumber was indeed lovely.

Not been to Hardwick Hall yet, our plan is to go there with my wife. The castle would be Bolsover, I presume? We went there last year when my son's school project was about castles. We live very close to Chatsworth and go regularly for various events / walks.

I understand re. life being yours for living. This probably sounds selfish as I am a father but I want to go into teaching for me as I would like a career and from all the experiences I've had so far it seems teaching would be fulfilling.

gallygirl

AlexLK wrote: »

Today I left my son riding at my cousin's house and visited them after numerous 'phone calls. My father was rather rude and I had yet another book thrown at me, apparently this is because he is "depressed" according to mother. I did loose my temper a little and it probably wasn't wise to tell my mother I don't think being a cantankerous old ******* means he suffers from depression.

:T:rotfl:

AlexLK wrote: »

As far as I can remember it's the first time I've ever swore in front of my parents. After an apology from me but not from him for his behaviour because he's my father they decided to talk to me in a civil manner whilst my father decided to tell me all about two friends he knew in the '50's as if I was a friend of theirs and knew them which was a bit disturbing. It's not unusual for father but having been away from sitting through such lectures for a while made me realise it is a little odd. Have to say I made my excuses and went back to riding with my son.

Joking apart Alex, it does sound as if there may be something serious going on and it could possibly get a lot worse. As he is unlikely to go to the doctor about it I don't know how to advise except to say that the answer is NOT for you to move in .

smallholdingsister

It isn't the first time we have mentioned it.
Its just how do you get him diagnosed/treated?

choccielover

Not selfish at all Alex.

I'm a parent and spend an unfathomable amount of time at work. Many believe me to be a very selfish individual for my life choices but it works for us. In reality we are very happy, I have a career that challenges and fulfills me and my child and husband get a better version of me because of that.

I think teaching could be a good choice for you, you do seem to relish discovering new ways to challenge, educate and develop your son. Not many people have that skill or the willingness to invest so much.



Yes balsover, I always forget the name....

AlexLK

Not had a great day but done quite a bit on the finances spreadsheets and managed to get a few jobs done around the house. My son has been very tired after getting very upset in the middle of the night about a problem that we thought had been resolved. As I've started becoming accustomed to a bit more sleep, I can't say I've felt 100% today either. My wife made me laugh this evening though; it's taken until today for her to work out she's a bit too old to be entering into drinking games and going to clubs with 20 year old labourers. Apparently, they reckoned "an old lady like her" couldn't keep up, she told them otherwise but ended up going to bed at 11.30pm :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:... Mrs K's verdict: "cred lost". My wind up ... "Who says 'cred' these days?" :rotfl: The last I knew she went to "check for crows feet".

gallygirl wrote: »

:T:rotfl:


Joking apart Alex, it does sound as if there may be something serious going on and it could possibly get a lot worse. As he is unlikely to go to the doctor about it I don't know how to advise except to say that the answer is NOT for you to move in .

smallholdingsister wrote: »

It isn't the first time we have mentioned it.
Its just how do you get him diagnosed/treated?

I've gone from being really annoyed with my father to being quite worried about him and his future. He's changed recently from someone who'd really mellowed back to the man I remember from when I was young which I'm concerned is perhaps a symptom rather than some kind of conscious choice. My mother is constantly worried about his health and has been for a few years, so I can't say I really want to tell her I'm concerned about father too. I could well be over thinking this as my father has always had some strange ways with words and the manner in which he talks about the past. I'm seriously considering apologising to him in the hope my mother is perhaps right about him being depressed and subsequently placing the blame with me.

AlexLK

choccielover wrote: »

Not selfish at all Alex.

I'm a parent and spend an unfathomable amount of time at work. Many believe me to be a very selfish individual for my life choices but it works for us. In reality we are very happy, I have a career that challenges and fulfills me and my child and husband get a better version of me because of that.

I think teaching could be a good choice for you, you do seem to relish discovering new ways to challenge, educate and develop your son. Not many people have that skill or the willingness to invest so much.



Yes balsover, I always forget the name....

Thanks, choccie. I try my best and do enjoy the challenge. Something which surprised me is how much I've enjoyed teaching at the school I volunteer at (state secondary school in a deprived area), most pupils walk in thinking they "hate" orchestral music. One girl who was particularly vocal about this now plays violin with a good degree of competence and will audition for county orchestra this coming session. Her behaviour / grades have greatly improved and she believes she has a chance of "doing something" with her life after school. Not trying to say I win them all because I don't by a long way but if one goes from not wanting to be educated to wanting to be, it's worth every effort. I'll be incredibly sad to leave that school to do a PGCE; think a lot of them have taught me perhaps more than I've taught them, to be honest.

At the moment my son and I are discovering properties of various materials in the garage to make different things as they study materials for science this coming year at school. This comes with the added advantage of doing some measurement and weight work for Maths. We have our ongoing local history project which we need to start writing up and making a display for over the next two weeks. I miss this terribly when he's at school because we only have Saturday mornings to do this.

I'm concerned about history repeating itself; my parents weren't really around when I was young (they were always working, 7 days per week). However, I also think him seeing me making a go of a new career may also be good for him. Very torn at the moment, to be honest. If I get on the PGCE course, my cousin has agreed to pick my son up from school and look after him until I am able to pick him up from hers in the evening. Whilst I know he'd enjoy it there and could spend time helping out with their horses / other animals, I have some very guilty thoughts about not being there.

smallholdingsister

Oh dear Alex, I'm neglecting my three then.

What a fabulous childcare arrangement, he will have a blast.