is family estrangement always bad.

DKLS

Its only been a positive thing for me, I will not tolerate any toxic person in my life anymore whether they re family or friend.

I expect to see some of the estranged family this year as I suspect a relative will pass this year, and I will have exactly the same conversation as I had about 5 years ago which will be "see you at the next funeral"

Rachylou1981

vroombroom wrote: »

he used to send me awful text messages

Only thing - OH and I are getting married later this year and I fear it will kick off again (although it's in secret!) x

Like you, my dad sends me awful messages. Not as awful as yours but upsetting all the same. He therefore hasn't had my phone number in years and it's why he resorts to letters through my door. Some nice, most nasty or a mixture of both. I don't think he thinks he is being mean though. Odd.

I dread the day I get married and he ever finds out. I could never invite him as he would definitely get drunk and cause trouble, with my stepfather for instance. It would devastate him not to see me get married though. Guess he would have to be tee-total and clear up his life before he could be involved which I think is impossible.

Ames

missprice wrote: »

I do think if something like faceache had been around in the early 80s I may well have used it to vent.
It was really difficult for me to "lose" my mother, after all she knew everything and was the best at everything and she was the only reason I was on this planet, you know best mother ever kind of thing. Probably virgin mother too if at all possible

I still miss the idea of a mother or in fact a parent, however have just cut off the sperm donor last year cos of a really hurtful thing he put on the internet for all to see, with a wildly hurtful and inaccurate comment. But that's OK cos he ain't on my birth certificate.

Have spent a large chunk of last year wondering if its just me, and I can't get on with anyone or do I just have infantile and moronic parents.
Discovered I really don't much care if its me or them, so long as I don't have to be near them.

Btw the sperm donor thing was never that great in the first place but I did at least think he cared that I was alive to some degree.

Exactly! I miss the idea of a parent, and of a sister.

I also get what Tricky Wicky said about things slowly coming to you about how badly they treated you. When it's been there all the time since childhood it's a massive step to turn your thinking around to 'it's them not me, and actually I do have some worth'.

Kit1

How do you come to terms with not seeing your family? Not every family knows what they did wrong.

I haven't seen my DD for almost 2 years after she meet her BF and after a few weeks his mother asked her to move in with them and turned her against us and won't tell us why? They did so many other things you would not believe either.

We have tried to contact her but she told me to stop harassing her when l asked her to talk to me so that l could understand where we went wrong.

Soleil_lune

Kit1 wrote: »

How do you come to terms with not seeing your family? Not every family knows what they did wrong.

I haven't seen my DD for almost 2 years after she meet her BF and after a few weeks his mother asked her to move in with them and turned her against us and won't tell us why? They did so many other things you would not believe either.

We have tried to contact her but she told me to stop harassing her when l asked her to talk to me so that l could understand where we went wrong.

Oh wow, that is awful. I feel very sorry for you.

I really hope she sees the error of her ways, but is there anything else you can do? Maybe send her a message via FB or twitter or anything? Through her works maybe? Begging her to meet you, and to see if you could just see her once a month even.

It could be that she is being badly controlled and manipulated by the B/F and his family.

Unless something happened between you, ie; you were horrid to her and drove her away, I would be concerned about this.

What kind of man would allow his girlfriend to have NO contact with her family? This kind of thing usually occurs when someone is suffering some kind of domestic abuse. Alienating the person from their family is textbook controlling behaviour from an abuser.

Kit1

Soleil_lune wrote: »

Oh wow, that is awful. I feel very sorry for you.

I really hope she sees the error of her ways, but is there anything else you can do? Maybe send her a message via FB or twitter or anything? Through her works maybe? Begging her to meet you, and to see if you could just see her once a month even.

It could be that she is being badly controlled and manipulated by the B/F and his family.

Unless something happened between you, ie; you were horrid to her and drove her away, I would be concerned about this.

What kind of man would allow his girlfriend to have NO contact with her family? This kind of thing usually occurs when someone is suffering some kind of domestic abuse. Alienating the person from their family is textbook controlling behaviour from an abuser.

We have tried all of the above. She cut us off her facebook within days of leaving and she did the same to her friends and will have nothing to do with them - spoke to the days before and ignored them when she left. She did have one family member on her FB account and after my Dad died she made a comment on there saying how she missed him (l didn't see it) family member replied saying you have family who love you - immediately they too were deleted. So we wait and hope she will contact us. We send her a card for her birthday and Christmas but we don't know if she gets them. We thought we were a happy family at least until he arrived and then everything changed even though we tried to include him. We could never do anything without him turning up or on the phone sometimes 500 texts a day.

no1catman

I'm estranged from my brother & sister - both older than me.
On the one hand I think it's 'sad'. On the other, when ever I think about 'what happened' I don't know what upsets me the most - what originally upset me - the misinformation, the unanswered questions, the sarcasm - or - the that no one cared that I was 'upset'!


I can't say there's anything to miss - apart from family news - didn't have that much contact anyway, even though we all live in the same city. Even saved money at Christmas - they and their wife/husband & offspring versus me & my partner (who was ignored anyway)!

redvision95

Depends on the situation and the people.


I don't bother with my facebook account, ill log in maybe once a month to see if there Is a ride out going on, on some of the motorbike groups im on but that's it. Its a waste of time and causes nothing but arguments etc.


For me personally choosing to have nothing to do with my "family" was the best thing I ever did.


Don't bother with my "mother" because I think she`s a waste of space who couldn't care about anyone else but herself, I`ve never really liked her or got on with her and things came to a blow late 2014 after a argument where she told me she wish she had a abortion when she found out she was having me, which ended with me being restrained by several police officers. As far as im concerned she can rot. If she was on fire and I had a bottle of water, id drink the water.


Never really cared much for my "father" he was always off impregnating various women and getting drunk, I`ve always said he was just a sperm donor.


As for brothers/sisters etc etc etc they're all lazy good for nothings who refuse to get off their rear ends and get jobs and believe hard working people like myself should fund their comfortable lifestyles because they don't want to work so I choose not to associate myself with them.


The only person I have contact with is my nan, Although she lives 110 miles away in wales she's always there on the end of the phone if I need to talk to her, she's always around if I need to go visit her etc etc and she practically raised me.

Better_Days

Peter333 wrote: »

Sometimes, making a break from toxic family members who are nothing short of parasites can be cathartic and a bit of a blessing. I know quite a few people whose lives were enhanced by cutting relatives out of them.

As someone said above, there seems to be this thing about having to maintain contact because blood is thicker than water, yada yada, but it's horse poo. I know a number of people who have had their self esteem destroyed, their heart broken, their mind messed up, their bank broken, and their souls damn near destroyed by 'family.'

It's a myth that family is everything.

Not if they are parasites or if they make you feel sad.

Agree with every word of this. I no longer have contact with my mother and sister. It took me many many years to break contact as I hoped things would change. The realisation that neither would ever change and that contact with them only resulted in upset was painful. There is absolutely no point in subjecting myself to their behaviour just because there happens to be a genetic link.

LameWolf

I've had no contact with any blood relatives for 13 years now, and most certainly don't regret it. The whole situation was toxic, and I felt the best thing I could do was remove myself quietly but decisively from it.

They don't even know where I live - when I divorced the ex, the Judge granted me permission to omit my address from the court papers.

I'm a great believer in the saying "Friends are the family you choose for yourself".

Btw, I don't have a FB account.;)