is family estrangement always bad.

KxMx

After years of suffering in silence (partly my fault there) about ways in which Dad was making me unhappy, it all blew up last year. We had a disagreement and I attempted to meet him in the middle but got it thrown back in my face, so I snapped and told him to stuff it, cut contact.

4 months on I miss him so I try again, admit I could have done x and y differently, was his position on the disagreement the same.

He thinks it has been 6 months and can't remember what it was about. But apparently we should talk so I can explain it to him :mad:

That ties into the disagreement we had originally so I again told him to stuff it in more severe terms and don't know what the future holds.

I am happy to send cards at Birthday times etc but don't want any more contact for now.

I miss him and feel bad/sad/mad about it but the first time I stopped contact I felt so much better. I am hoping to get back to that place soon!

I understand the need to talk to others in the same boat.

Rachylou1981

KxMx wrote: »

After years of suffering in silence I am happy to send cards at Birthday times etc but don't want any more contact for now.

I still send birthday, Christmas and Father's Day cards. I just pick them carefully and don't allow any false messages of 'You're the best' to be in them. It's more just to note that I still love him and care about him even if he is not a part of my life right now.

Primrose

We had to cut all ties with a close relative whose substance addiction drove every member of the family to hell snd back because of the problems he caused over a period of years. In the end the pressure he generated came close to wrecking a number of other famiily relationships so it was time to completely cut the link. We all returned to a state of sanity. Sadly he has not been missed. Sometimes relatioships become just too toxic to be continued.

zarf2007

I think the problem is that family members can be our Achilles heel as they know exactly how to get to us emotionally and sometimes it is easier just to cut them out.

I really can't abide people who live their lives in a constant state of chaos and who drag everyone else into the vortex. I really don't have the energy to include them in my life, family or not.

TrickyWicky

No I don't think it's always bad.

Many moons ago i had a big bust up with a very close relative and we've had very little contact since. They were ill some years ago and we had temporary contact but they had not changed, were still trying to wind me round their little finger and use psychological techniques on me and so contact stopped.

To be honest, I don't regret it. Yes i regret the loss of contact with a close family member but i do not miss their scheming ways, scams, secrets, stitch ups etc.

What has happened now is that while my life has become less complicated, things they done to me over the years are slowly unwinding in my head and i realise now that they were a power hungry waste of space determined to use me as a weapon in their attack against the rest of the family. None of them like this member, i never understood it but they'd all avoid contact with this person at all costs. Now i've become distanced from them i see it myself and why they are disliked so much.

As I said, my life has become far less complicated, I have far fewer things going on but i am still paying the price for this persons past behaviour and destruction of my life. This person also made a very serious accusation about me to the rest of my family recently implying a very serious offence and the moment i found out i was absolutely livid. I disproved the accusation within 24 hours however i am still absolutely furious. That said, it did prove to me and the rest of my family that this person had been out on some sort of vendetta against me and trying to drive me into the ground.

Is estrangement bad? Certainly not. This person made my youth a living hell. What should have been the happiest days of my life were infact the worst and now they're out of my life they cannot do any more damage despite their attempts to try.

TrickyWicky

Peter333 wrote: »

I know a number of people who have had their self esteem destroyed, their heart broken, their mind messed up, their bank broken, and their souls damn near destroyed by 'family.'

and now you know one more

vroombroom

I've spoken on here before about my father. He cheated on my mum, had two kids with other women whilst still married to her, lied and lied and lied. He left my mum, my mum went into a deep depression and at the age on 16, I had three jobs plus college to try keep the mortgage going.

We had a strained relationship after they split (he made promises, broke them etc) and he was in and out of my life in my early twenties.

I moved 300 miles away and apart from the odd text and phone call, I never saw him. I found out I was pregnant and I told him when I was about 6 months. He went ballistic because he was the last to know and because I didn't want him to come and visit me and my partner (no need, hadnt seen him for 2 years by this point) he used to send me awful text messages (I was never wanted, wish my mum had got rid of me, I was a mistake, I would make a terrible mother, he would fight me for visitation rights). So I cut off contact completely - moved, changed my number etc.

Anyway I went to see my nan (his mum) with my son when he was about 6 months old. My father was there - I warned that if he kicked off, I would leave straight away. Anyway he ignored me and was cooing over my son (rolly eyes). As soon as the room was cleared of anyone, he started up again how he thought I was a terrible mother, he was going to fight to get visitation from me, he wished I'd never been born. Took my son and we got the train home - 4 hour journey.

That was 2011. I haven't heard or seen him since. My brother keeps in contact and I know he gets grief off him. I still speak to my nan and cousins on FB so I know he probably gets updates. But that's as far as he will get. Over my dead body will he see my son and fill him with the poisonous lies he gave me.

I never mention on Facebook, a few of my friends know and obviously relatives know. I even changed my surname so I don't have that dead weight hanging around me. Since I stopped contact I no longer have anxiety attacks when my phone beeps or rings. I have no worry that he will turn up on my doorstep.

Only thing - OH and I are getting married later this year and I fear it will kick off again (although it's in secret!) x

missprice

I do think if something like faceache had been around in the early 80s I may well have used it to vent.
It was really difficult for me to "lose" my mother, after all she knew everything and was the best at everything and she was the only reason I was on this planet, you know best mother ever kind of thing. Probably virgin mother too if at all possible

I still miss the idea of a mother or in fact a parent, however have just cut off the sperm donor last year cos of a really hurtful thing he put on the internet for all to see, with a wildly hurtful and inaccurate comment. But that's OK cos he ain't on my birth certificate.

Have spent a large chunk of last year wondering if its just me, and I can't get on with anyone or do I just have infantile and moronic parents.
Discovered I really don't much care if its me or them, so long as I don't have to be near them.

Btw the sperm donor thing was never that great in the first place but I did at least think he cared that I was alive to some degree.

Wickedkitten

The thing that gets me is that no one in their right mind would ever expect someone that has gone through emotional and physical abuse from a spouse to keep in contact with their abuser, but when that abuse is parental it seems to get the OK.

ineed

I don't think it's a bad thing, I haven't seen my birth mother (I struggled to write the word mother and not incubator, she was never a mother to me) since I was a teen and good riddence, she's poison and has abused many and destroyed many lives. Unfortunately it meant estrangement from much of her family as well. While most knew all about her in the end and now have nothing to do with her either we just couldn't be around each other anymore. No great loss tbh but still sometimes I think about certain members.