is family estrangement always bad.

red_devil

I have noticed facebook groups and forums spring up about living without family due to fall outs.

Is it always a bad thing not to be in touch, do you really need support from others and to keep discussing it etc.

perhaps you just get on with your life without focussing on it?

Does estrangement have to be a bad thing?

trolleyrun

Best thing I ever did, but I don't post on facebook about it. My friends don't need to read about my dramas

krustylouise

I genuinely believe it all depends on the type of person you are. My family is very fractured and haven't been close at all. Last night I found out that one of my sisters had been killed in a car accident. Of course part of me feels sad, however I hadn't spoken to her or seen her for 16 years (her choice not mine).

If you're the type of person who would regret not speaking in those circumstances then I get it isn't for you and you should persevere to form some sort of relationship. However, if like me you can accept you did all you could and it just wasn't to be, then removing negativity from your life is probably a good thing.

Hermia

I think it can be a very sensible decision. I know so many people who have spent decades being made miserable by their family, but won't walk away because blood is thicker than water blah blah. I don't see several relatives and don't regret it one bit.

I don't see why chatting on relevant forums is seen as odd. Surely it's no different to joining forums/groups about any problem or health issue. Of course, you can end up spending too much time just wallowing in it rather than moving on, but surely that could be said about any issue. I am sure there are people on MSE who would be better off doing something practical than constantly discussing their problems on here!

marleyboy

Have not seen my Dad in nearly 30 Years, my Sisters was about 10 Years but only as a result of visiting my Mother.

There is no love lost there and I am far too busy concentrating on my own family than worrying about theirs.

I would not post such things on Facebook, aside the fact nobody would be interested in it, it would only serve to stir long buried memories, which helps nobody.

j.e.j.

red_devil wrote: »

I have noticed facebook groups and forums spring up about living without family due to fall outs.

Is it always a bad thing not to be in touch, do you really need support from others and to keep discussing it etc.

perhaps you just get on with your life without focussing on it?

Does estrangement have to be a bad thing?

It's better to work on strengthening family ties where you can, rather than falling out over stupid things. You don't have to live in and out of each others pockets, but just to know that they're there for you (and you for them) is important.

In cases where there has been significant abuse the person may decide the best course of action is to cut ties and start afresh. In which case you can make your own family, cultivate new friendships, and so on.

Kaye1

Best thing I ever did. Weight lifted. Negativity gone.


I think the pressure to have a perfect family life is massive and people feel embarrassed to admit they have nothing to do with family members.


Someone I know was quizzing me about it, couldn't understand it as they are so close to their family. My point was this- if that person is a fool before they become a parent, there is a chance that being a parent may change them and their behaviour. But there is always a chance it won't. There is no law to say that you have to 'step up' and be a good parent. And if they don't that isn't my fault.

Snakey

I think most people do it without a big announcement, they quietly but firmly do whatever's necessary to get the distance they need and then get on with their lives and don't look back.

In my experience there are two types of people who genuinely walk away from family (rather than just pretending to do so for the attention or as a bluff): feuders who bear grudges and are trying to hurt people or serve them right; and normal people who just don't want to deal with all the hassle of a difficult family (or family member) any more.

Constantly needing to tell people about it or discuss it in detail years later says "I'm not over this at all" in the same way as someone who's still obsessed with their ex and if you're not careful you can sound quite unhinged after a while. Of course you don't get to "move on" with another family like you can with relationships so I'd perhaps be a little less eye-rolly than I sound. However, if I felt the need to re-hash it I think I'd try to do so anonymously over an internet forum and not with people I know in real life. People who do have loving families can be quite judgmental about these things and it's a shame to fall out over something that I guess some people just can't understand because it's so far from their own experiences that they barely believe it can happen. And also, unless you're a drama queen or a feuder, what would be the benefit of having things possibly get fed back to the people concerned?

Grimbal

I haven't spoken to my parents for a few years now. I feel much happier & calmer in myself without all the negativity that came from them. I still struggle daily with feelings of insecurity and self doubt, partially instilled in me from a young age by them, but on the whole I feel better off without them.
For me, the benefits of not being part of their lives far outweighed the negatives - everybody has to weigh that up for themselves

pinkteapot

I've been estranged from one parent for 15 years. To me it's no problem at all. When I look back, I went off the rails for a few years afterwards and actually that was akin to mourning them, and the relationship I'd lost. Now, I've moved on. I've got no interest in dredging up the past by seeing them again. It would do more harm than good.

Friends said I should see them "because they're my parent". To me, that's not a reason. Have people in your life who enhance it, who make you feel good about yourself, etc etc. As far as I'm concerned, there's no obligation to have a relationship with someone purely because you're related to them.

I'm very close to my other parent and that works for me.

red_devil

One group was also trying to arrange a get together where you had to pay to go and sit and talk about family problems. I dont get that, wouldnt it he better to go out and do something fun. Is someone just trying to cash in here?