The Garden Fence - help and support in tough times

MMF007

Please excuse me butting in but I just have to.

Hester, ask the lady's sons (and tell your DD) how they would feel if the children of the household found poo in the shower, breathed toxic fumes (and were endagered by fire) when granny put the plastic kettle on the hob and turned the cooker on, or were screamed at and told to get out at by granny because she was 'fed up with being told what to do'. Even the kids being woken in the nights, 'cos they would be.

I speak from personal exprience of a lovely gentleman who has medium to severe dementia. Yes, a lovely gent, but he has little cognition and sadly now loses his temper a lot.

If the excuse is that granny doesn't like the care home, believe me, granny will not like DD's home. It is the illness she doesn't like. Dementia patients do know there is something wrong and they hate being like that.

And of course, it is a 24. hour. 7. days. a. week. job. No. rest. No. Relaxation.
And A LOT OF Unpleasant Cleaning.

Impossible without kids to look after too. Absolutely impossible WITH kids to look after.
Completely unfair on the kids no matter what ages they are.

I hate being so strident about such a personal thing that is none of my business but there is good reason why it takes a secure care home and a lot of staff to look after dementia patients.

M

FairyPrincessk

Morning all,

Just popping in quickly but wanted to add my voice to those urging Hester to encourage her DD to say no.

If she feels like she must do it out of love then I'd also be very clear that no matter how much love there is, this is a situation that requires specialized care. Love won't stop her wandering away the moment your DD's back is turned or wanting to use the hob and forgetting it is on, or touching a hot dish or any of the little things that could cause her injury. Care will. I know there are many problems with care homes and that it can be a tough decision even if you only have the person's well-being in mind, but I do think specialized care is important.

Ginny, thanks. x

Right, off to get suited and booted. Hugs to all who need them, and whoever has the sun at the moment, shame on you for stealing it while we slept! I've woken up to what looks like a late November morning!

mardatha

I know you've had enough advice to be going on with Hester, but I'd say the same. Dementia isn't copable-withable. Sooner or later they have to be taken into care. Daughter might move heaven & earth to try and cope, be left wrung out and upset, and then have to put the lady back into a home as she gets worse anyway.

moneyistooshorttomention

...and funnily enough DD is female and the two people who want this arrangement are both male. Odd that - it being the woman who lands up being shunted into the carer role again:cool:

The nearest I've come to dementia is watching two (yep female again...) friends coping with it - and seeing them both being driven scatty by it. Both are now released from this (the husband of no. 1 died/the mother of no. 2 died) - but I am watching them both struggle with Getting A Life back together for themselves (because they simply weren't able to Have A Life whilst this was going on).

silvasava

Hester - my Aunt died earlier this year after being cared for at home for the last 3 years. I know how heartbreaking it can be to see the person you love disappear but by bit. BUT it took a team of 6 family members to look after her (two are in the nursing profession) and a team of carers coming in 3 times a day. As mentioned before there is frequently the anger to deal with - violent behaviour and foul language. Granny may not have these symptoms now but dementia is wicked and continually deteriorating until the end.
Sorry to be so negative Hester but your DD's duty is to HER family first for their health and safety and she should not be subjected to emotional blackmail..

Just read back through the threads - what happens if MiL decides she doesn't like DD's home? (quite likely) will the sons make her stay 'cos it's cheaper?

ivyleaf

((HUGS)) Hester, I hope you can gently persuade your DD to say no. of all the cheek :mad:

elona

Hester

I made a long comment on the daily thread but will condense it.

Years ago someone I worked with had her MIL over for a weekend.
The first night they were woken by police as she had gone to all the neighbours saying she was being held prisoner, starved and poisoned!

An elderly relative of DHs was in a secure unit and lots of staff and still manged to leave and go wandering. This was someone who saw her reflection in a mirror, chatted to it and went in a huff because she would not answer and yet managed to outwit staff and the double secured doors.

[Deleted User]

When He Who Knows mum had dementia they moved from Kent to a village about 5 miles from us here in Hampshire and that was difficult enough for the year or so that she lived after they got here. She became increasingly disturbed and odd, peopled any place she happened to be in with hallucinatory children and workmen, didn't recognise her husband, her son and me or the grandchildren, would have hysterics if she caught sight of herself in a mirror or shop window as she didn't recognise herself and would go ballistic because 'that girl is wearing MY clothes'. They lived in a 2 bedroom bungalow and she had it as a hotel with corridors of empty rooms and always complained her things were being moved and she didn't know where to sleep at night, then she had day/night reversal and Father in Law was exhausted. She became so disturbed in the end that she started to get violent and several times tried to strangle FIL and the youngest of my girls was terrified of her. She couldn't be left, she was a danger to herself and was determined that she would cook/clean/change bedding etc all of which she couldn't remember how to do, it was a living nightmare for all of us, not the least her. Eventually she was taken into respite and sadly (but relievedly for all)she had a massive stroke around 6 weeks later and passed away peacefully. It's a wonderful thing to actually contemplate caring for someone you love in their need BUT you really can't have a dementia sufferer safely in a home where there are children, it's not safe and the dementia sufferer will only deteriorate and the situation would rapidly become unsustainable!

greenbee

Hester - I don't know if I remember correctly, but does your DD foster? If so she may find that this isn't an option.

FairyPrincessk

Evening all,

Hester, I hope your DD is able to make a decision and feel at peace with it. I know it must be tough.

I'm absolutely shattered. OH is downstairs making pizza. My 'event' was actually an interview and my dream University, but I felt too superstitious to name it and have only told very close family. I feel sure I was the most junior person interviewed, I was surprised to be asked--but I did my best and certainly did my utmost to prepare. Part of it went well, part I think was only ok. I haven't heard anything, so it is likely they've offered it to someone else and I'll have the formal refusal next week.

I think it is time for a glass of something strong. Out working on a friend's allotment tomorrow and looking forward to it. The fresh air will do me good.

Hugs to all who need them.xx