The Garden Fence - help and support in tough times

monnagran

Hester, no matter how much you love someone, looking after someone with dementia is exhausting, fristrating and soul destroying. People who do it professionally have set hours, set holidays, (when they are not expected to take their patient with them), and are paid a decent wage and a pension. As well as that they do their job in suitable and specifically designed surroundings.

Are your MILs sons prepared to have your DDs home adapted to the needs of a dementia patient, are they going to fork out for all the special equipment that will be needed and are they going to arrange cover for when your DD is ill, has an appointment or just needs a day off.

Are there children in the house, because if there are it is not a tenable situation.

Do you get the impression that I think your MILs sons are simply shovelling their responsibilities onto your DD1? (sorry, I don't know which DD it is, but my tablet is insistent.) Yes I do.

Of course it is for your DD to decide for herself, but if she takes after her mother she will knock herself out to look after her Grandmother with no thought at all for her own well-being.

Just saying.

A couple of days and the moving process will be over for you. Keep your mind fixed on that and as soon as possible designate a day as "Duvet Day" and spend it in bed. We will be scraping you off the deck if you don't take a break soon.

Just saying again.

x

Hard_Up_Hester

Yes Monna it is DD1 and she has 5 children and yes I do think they are just trying to dump MIL on DD to assuage their guilt, and the £16000 has to cover all the adaptations and alterations.

I have had serious words with DD, I don't think she will say no, but I think she will make it clear she needs sufficient funds to take MIL on. At that point I think the idea will die a death.

karcher

Hard_Up_Hester wrote: »

Yes Monna it is DD1 and she has 5 children and yes I do think they are just trying to dump MIL on DD to assuage their guilt, and the £16000 has to cover all the adaptations and alterations.

I have had serious words with DD, I don't think she will say no, but I think she will make it clear she needs sufficient funds to take MIL on. At that point I think the idea will die a death.

Urge her again to say NO. It is so wrong they expect your DD to take over the care. Words fail me..

Hard_Up_Hester

I Will try.

greenbee

Show her a few of the responses on here Hester. So she knows that it isn't just you.

She needs to consider that impact on her and her children, but she also needs to consider the impact on MiL of not having access to professional care, particularly if she deteriorates.

ginnyknit

Its a long term commitment which will take every hour she has and the children will not have a Mum to help them - I know from experience the exhaustion, frustration and fear of looking after someone with dementia. I personally feel a care home is the safest and kindest option. Hope you don't mind me saying this but really how selfish can people be expecting a young Mum to give up her life and depending on her compassion while having none of their own.

Anyway hester I am glad you are doing well with your move.

Good luck FPK xx

Just recovering from minding the mini monsters as their child minder (who is wonderful) is having ANOTHER holiday - is there a yawning smiley? Dgs has suddenly become interested in crafts, which is great and Dgd has learned to say 'Share' meaning give it to me bro :rotfl: Prior to this his interest in crafts was tangling up a ball of yarn and putting it on the cats head pronouncing his had pknitted a hat. Hubby has finally recovered from a nasty infection so we are hoping to go out tomorrow for a couple of hours to Todmorden.

monnagran

Still fuming Hester.

The more I think about it, the more impossible the situation becomes.

How are the children going to cope with being locked into the house 24 hours a day. Dementia patients are prone to wandering. Have you ever tried to get in or out of a dementia ward or Home? Fort Knox isn't in it

It will be a very unsafe environment for the children. In fact, if Social Services get involved there may be the risk of your DD1 having to make the choice of who she keeps, the children or her Grandmother.

The first year's money will go on having the house adapted so there will be nothing left for food, clothes, entertainment or holidays. Whose stupid idea was 2 holidays a year? The one thing dementia patients need is stability and familiar surroundings. My father and two friends took my mother on holiday once and they all came back vowing NEVER AGAIN.
Anyway, how dare those selfish men dictate what entertainment and holidays DD should be providing for their mother. Do they take her on holiday twice a year and provide entertainment for her? Don't bother answering that.

My father kept my mother at home with him until a month before she died, but there was just the two of them and he had an army of friends who took it in turn to sit with mum for an afternoon twice a week so that Dad could go to the dentist, have his hair cut, do some shopping or just go out into his beloved garden and dig. My brother and I were still working and both lived a good journey away but we did what we could, organising a cleaner, hairdresser and various other bods who would come to the house and make life easier. But still, when mum died, Dad suddenly looked 20 years younger.

There is so much to be considered. Please, please, please stop DD doing this if you can. She surely has no conception of what it will be like. It will destroy her family for certain.

The selfishness and greed of those men makes my blood boil.

Off to simmer down.

karcher

Hester...I agree 100% with Monna but for me what is most infuriating is that the two sons are clearly only concerned about their dwindling inheritance, not their mothers welfare. Utterly appalling, despicable and selfish behaviour :mad:

Please, please, please urge your DD to say NO.

---

Monna..I'm in the wide awake at stupidly early o clock club too ...
so frustrating as I'm thoroughly exhausted!

Hard_Up_Hester

Thanks everyone, I will show DD1 all the responses on this thread.

jamanda

Hester,


Sorry to butt in.


Do not under any circumstances allow your DD to do this. I had to leave work 4 years ago to bring my parents to live with me as they weren't coping.


My dad had Parkinsons Dementia and passed away 3 years ago. I now have my mum who is 86, in the early/medium throes of dementia and it is HARD WORK. I have no life other than looking after her apart from my pups. I can't get out on my own and she can't do much. Even nipping to the shop causes havoc. It is very, very wearing when you are repeating the same thing 50 times a day. No matter how much you care, imagine a two year old with attitude clinging to you 24/7.


Don't want to go into the day to day grind, but make no mistake it will finish your DD.


Jane