The Garden Fence - help and support in tough times

ivyleaf

Excellent Loraca, I had been going to suggest trying other airlines but wasn't sure if Air Malta had been the only one flying direct. Good luck nursemaggie. Hopefully you can get there without having to go to Heathrow.

Sorry mar, we cross-posted yesterday evening. Glad you had such a good day

Thinking of you on the waterways Hester!

monnagran :rotfl: at the blow-up fairy castle, and DGS's understandable lack of interest therein!

monnagran

Well, what a wonderful weekend weatherwise. Everyone here was out in shorts and sunglasses and it looked like mid-summer. Pickle was most put out that her Daddy wasn't too keen on getting out her inflatable pool, but he pointed out that he had seen the forecasted temperatures for this week - hardly pool weather.

We have had a good, frank talk this weekend. DS2 and DIL have found a largish house with its own self contained annexe which they think would be excellent for us. It is within my price range and only needs cosmetic changes. I would have my own front door and small garden. They pointed out that I could be independent but that they would be on hand when I got to the stage of needing more help. The house is set well back from the road but it is on a bus route so I would be able to travel about easily.
It all makes good sense so why did I go upstairs and sob until I was exhausted.

I think it was because up until 18 months ago I was running a very busy manse, deeply involved in the life of the church next door, cooking for lunch clubs, giving talks, planning services, writing up minutes of meetings, helping to run projects for homeless people, entertaining visitors, editing magazines........
The thought that I am now about to be 'annexed', put out to grass and looked after, hit me like a sledge hammer.
I know it is all very sensible but the house is not where I would like it to be and I find it hard to give up my dream of my own bungalow. I just don't seem to fit in anywhere at the moment. I know it will all work out for the best in the end so please forgive my moans.
I do despise people who wallow in self-pity, which is exactly what I am doing now. I will go away and count my blessings, which are many.

x

nursemaggie

monna I understand how you feel, just because it is called an annex it does not mean "you" are "annexed".

One big advantage will be you are on hand to babysit. They need you as much as you need them.

If you buy separate houses it is likely to cost a lot more and cost a lot more to run your bungalow. You could end up at opposite ends of the island. They are busy people working full time you would see a lot less of them.

An annex means your close together which ever of you needs the other. Your DGD would only be next door so she can visit on her own. If you are miles apart who picks her up from nursery or it will school in no time. I think you are going to be needed.

Ideally you need to be near where you used to do things and could still help but don't do so much. I'm sure you would like to be involved with the homeless project again. I don't think you are being annexed at all. They are trying to do what is most practical. Why not keep it in mind but keep looking. Houses with Annexes are a specialist market, hard to find and hard to sell too.

I am sure you are feeling as devastated as I was about my flights being cancelled. I thought my DD's suggestion just made it worse.

I still have not booked anything. I have only a small window between hospital appointments so it is going to be difficult. I have a Scan on 15th May, a hospital appointment at Wythenshawe on 17th and I need to be back at least two days before my next Christie appointment on 9th June. Oh how I understand how difficult my parents found fitting in visits to us with two of them having chiropodists, dentists, doctors and the hospital to visit. They soon come round again. They also had voluntary jobs.

candlelight_2013

Monna, I agree with Nursemaggie, you are not being annexed. I think your Son and DIL believe they have come up with the ideal solution, and in many ways it is.

Just think when Pickle is older she will come home from school, knock on your door and sit and tell you what happened at school that day.

It is true you will be on hand to babysit,but isn't that the perks of being a grandparent? When DD2 and SIL bought a new house it was just around the corner from us with the obvious intention of being close by for grandparental duties.:) For about 1 year we picked them up from school,( 2 different schools, 3 DGC) brought them to our home and fed them their evening meal to fit in with DDs job. When DD changed jobs we were still required for the usual babysitting, sometimes for the whole weekend, and now our 24 year old DGD lives with us

I know this wasn't what you wanted but it might be the next best thing and DS and DIL have obviously given it a lot of thought. I understand you might think it is giving up any semblence of independence, but go and have a look at it before you make any decision.

You sound to me as though you are a warm and selfless lady,(and you make me chuckle) so no more tears. You say the house is on a bus route, so you could start planning what activities you might be able to resume.

Candlelightx

Knit_Witch

monnagran wrote: »

Well, what a wonderful weekend weatherwise. Everyone here was out in shorts and sunglasses and it looked like mid-summer. Pickle was most put out that her Daddy wasn't too keen on getting out her inflatable pool, but he pointed out that he had seen the forecasted temperatures for this week - hardly pool weather.

We have had a good, frank talk this weekend. DS2 and DIL have found a largish house with its own self contained annexe which they think would be excellent for us. It is within my price range and only needs cosmetic changes. I would have my own front door and small garden. They pointed out that I could be independent but that they would be on hand when I got to the stage of needing more help. The house is set well back from the road but it is on a bus route so I would be able to travel about easily.
It all makes good sense so why did I go upstairs and sob until I was exhausted.

I think it was because up until 18 months ago I was running a very busy manse, deeply involved in the life of the church next door, cooking for lunch clubs, giving talks, planning services, writing up minutes of meetings, helping to run projects for homeless people, entertaining visitors, editing magazines........
The thought that I am now about to be 'annexed', put out to grass and looked after, hit me like a sledge hammer.
I know it is all very sensible but the house is not where I would like it to be and I find it hard to give up my dream of my own bungalow. I just don't seem to fit in anywhere at the moment. I know it will all work out for the best in the end so please forgive my moans.
I do despise people who wallow in self-pity, which is exactly what I am doing now. I will go away and count my blessings, which are many.

x

A friend of my late Mum's bought a large bungalow that was split in two (two thirds/one third split) she and her hubby were in the larger part and her Mum in the smaller, she said they had their own lives (she did mutter something about her Mum having a better social life than she did :rotfl:) but they were close in case anything did happen (which it didn't until her Mum passed away in her sleep at the age of 98!)

Maybe you need to make a list of the pro's and con's for being in your own place and the same for being in an annex - it might make things clearer (and you are allowed to feel miserable - I feel miserable because I can't do anything any more and trust me the number of times you have cheered us all up way outweighs a touch of me-ness today!)

ivyleaf

monnagran Oh, how difficult Is this house with the annexe on the Island at least? I know you don't want to move away from all your friends.
I have to agree with nursemaggie and candlelight though, you would not be put out to grass (I'd like to see anyone try ) but could be as independent as you like, while knowing the family are close by in emergency. Do go and see the house, and let the idea simmer for a while. Thinking of you xx

ETA And what Knit Witch said about pros and cons. And about being allowed to be miserable. Sorry, we cross-posted!

camelot1001

monna - you are a much needed and loved member of the family, society and life. You have given so much of your time helping others and whilst this house may not be what you ideally want, your DS and DIL are doing what they think is for the best.

Go and have a look at the house and see what you think, it may not be what any of you want but you will have looked.

mardatha

Just think monna - you could give wild (mature) student hippy parties with guitar playing in the garden and have friends come round for midnight feasts and sneak them out of the back gate...

greenbee

Monna - have a look at the annexe and see whether that gives you what you need in terms of space and independence (I'd put in for your own private bit of garden as well). If it does, and the location is OK, then maybe you could think of it as living next door.

You know, there are many parents whose kids move to the other end of the country to avoid them. So although I know you feel like you need your own place, just remember that your DS and DiL (and Pickle) love you enough to want you to carry on living with them... and that's after living in an overcrowded space with you for a significant length of time!

Do be clear to them though, that their stuff (mess) stays their side. That they call/knock before entering. And that complaints about noise/anti social hours will be ignored (although they will have to listen to any you have about them )

Can I hitch a lift with silvasava and come over to look at the house with you?

pollyanna_26

Monna I agree with those who say you need to look at the annexe and see how you feel then . As you would only have a small growing space it would be worth seeing if you can have some of the main house garden .
If I'm remembering correctly this will be the first property you have all viewed in person .
It must be quite a shock to be faced with this . My advice would be not to make any sudden decisions .
Your son and dil are meaning well and trying to ensure things will be right for you but things that look perfect on paper don't always prove to be so .
You have always been a strong and determined lady - you've had to be - only agree to this plan if in your heart and soul it feels right .
Whatever our age we are allowed our dreams . I am sure the family are looking to keep you safe and near but I can see your need for independence after the let downs in your life and perhaps to just be again .
I know you will be mindful of the family but if it doesn't turn out to be for you put yourself first for once and say so . Living on your own would not be in isolation as the island isn't large and if needed you would be easily reached .
As the house you all live in now belongs to you you need to be sure this property is right before facing the selling and moving process .
Remember you are the captain of your soul and see the annexe and then really think things through .
Meanwhile this lapsed Catholic will once again be talking to the big man as no doubt will you .
polly x