No More Chardonnay for me! My booze-free Diary

Chardonnay

Morning HB, ah that must have been disappointing not to be able to share your news with your friends. That's why I love this forum as you're able to chat to like minded people and share your progress, knowing that people will be happy for you and can relate. I don't talk about being AF much to my friends. Strange, but I feel awkward when we talk about it. I feel like I want to evangelise about how great it is being AF, but I also know that would get on peoples nerves so I just get on with it! Luckily, OH doesn't drink much and I can talk to him about it

I agree, whatever works for us is the important thing as we are all different. It's great that you gave up smoking - not an easy thing to do. I agree about something in our mindset shifting too.

Chardonnay

Ah, Satchmo! It's hard to fit it in sometimes isn't it - life just gets in the way! Great that you are keeping up with parkrun though We probably get too hung up on times really but being able to run 5k is no mean feat in itself and just getting out there on a Saturday is something to be proud of!

Chardonnay

Hey MC, great to see you! Thanks, am still chuffed about it! Usually at this stage, once I start getting somewhere, something has happened to knock me back with my running, so I'm really hoping that I stay injury/illness free so can keep progressing.

Pleased you had a lovely weekend away and well done for drinking moderately and mindfully.

Ah, I think a lot of us feel the same when we first start running, especially as women. I can remember having exactly the same thoughts too and felt very self conscious. But then I thought "to hell with it", and that I was going to give it a go. I'm 6ft tall, so not exactly someone who blends into the background, but I can honestly say, most people don't even give me a second glance. Running is so popular now, you see so many people of different ages, shapes and sizes. I think parkrun has helped with that - it's made running so accessible and it doesn't matter how fast or slow you are, there is so much encouragement there!

So I really do sympathise but try not to let that stop you. Or alternatively, you could always try running on a treadmill? I think you are a member of a gym anyway aren't you so it wouldn't cost any extra?

Ah, I know, weather couldn't have been much worse! But luckily we made the best of it, as you do, and had a lovely time anyway

You have a lovely week too!

Chardonnay

Hello! I just wanted to pop in and say that I am on Day 47 today - this is a special day for me because it was on Day 47 that I had that glass of Cava the first time round. So after today, I will be in new AF territory!

As I've said before, I am finding it so much easier this time. I'm surprised at how little I think about drinking. Yes I still have the odd pang but they don't last long. It's like something's clicked in my brain! And do you know what? I feel happier. I really do - I'm appreciating life so much more. Yes I still have my worries. I miss my mum deeply and I worry about my dad and his illness. But I know that drinking won't bring my mum back or help my dad - quite the opposite in fact! My mum always worried about my drinking but I wasn't ready to listen. I was so defensive about it. I like to think she would be proud of me. And it means I'm stronger for dad and can be there to support him. Although I do worry about him a lot, it's much more in control now. I don't feel the despairing feeling I had before. Of course, we don't know what is to come, but I am trying to just be grateful that he's ok right now, and make the most of every minute with him.

I went out and ran 8k on Tuesday. It was my fastest "longer" run ever. I just kept thinking how strong I felt. I know that not drinking is really helping my running so much and that has definitely made it easier not to drink. Saying that, my foot started hurting a bit again after so I've decided to take it a bit easier on my next run as I think I might be overdoing it a bit and I do not want to go and injure myself again!

I watched a great webinar on Soberistas on Tuesday night. It featured Carrie Armstrong, a TV presenter who hasn't drank for a good few years (10 I think). She has been through so much, including fighting a mystery virus which put her in a wheelchair. She's now recovered and so full of life and bubbly. Really an inspiration! I got so much out of watching it and it cemented my thoughts that an AF life is right for me and you certainly don't have to be boring if you don't drink. She was positively bubbling over with charisma and personality - the sort of person you would want to hang around with. Stopping drinking (I am avoiding saying giving up as that implies I am depriving myself of a pleasure) should be a positive life change and something to be happy about. I realise that life is harder for some people and think that it must be harder to stop drinking if you aren't happy with your life and I know I'm probably sounding a bit evangelical but for me, seeing the positives and embracing my new way of life are what are working for me.

On that note, I know I'm probably sounding like a cheesy self help book, so I shall leave it there. Have a great day all!

Honey_Bear

Chardonnay, I'm so pleased for you! Well done on getting this far and as you venture into completely new territory, it can only get even better!

I really can't imagine ever wanting to go back to being the person I was when I drank and the odd pang every now and then is a tiny price to pay. It's nowhere near as bad as waking up thinking, 'Oh God, what did I do last night? Really? Sorry.'

You're well on your way, now, to realising that the pangs get farther and farther apart until they surprise you when they occur.

MarylandCookie_2

What a wonderful post Chardonnany, not cheesy at all. I love hearing how well you're doing, and you too HB.

I feel stuck in limbo at the moment, I'm not sure how to describe it, I still really enjoy a drink, I think I've mentioned I'm partial to real ale. I very rarely drink at home, but enjoy trying the different ales when I go out, we go to a lot of real ale pubs and beer festivals. It's something that OH enjoy
doing together. And if I'm brutally honest with myself I don't want to stop and lose this part of our lives. But, I do want to stop over indulging, drinking to excess and having the "oh god what did I do/say" the morning after. I'm moderating my drinking and this seems to be working, but I know that occasionally I don't and do drink too much, although those occasions are getting fewer and further between.

I guess I'm not sure where I fit, I love reading AF blogs, this thread and hearing how well people are doing, but feel a fraud posting because I'm not there yet and not at the stage where I want to stop.

Sorry for rambling, I hope you don't mind me posting C and cheering you along from the sidelines?

Have a lovely weekend, are you doing Parkrun? I'm just off to the gym, I like the Les Mills classes, body pump, body combat and body attack, and there's a morning session of new releases at my gym this morning so it will be a fun packed sweaty morning, one I couldnt have done if I'd had a drink last night!! hows your doggy HB is he still doing well?

Have a great weekend everyone x

mrsdee

Hi everyone! I haven't been on here for a while - mix of work and just being a bit busy I guess. One of the plusses I've realised from not drinking is the extra time and energy you have to go and do other things than sit at home and drink (at least for me, as someone who used to drink every day).
hope everyone is enjoying their weekends and whatever you are doing to relax! Waking up hangover free just seems to give us a real headstart on enjoying the weekend I think - i look back at my hangover-ridden weekends now with more than a touch of regret but we cant change the past of course!
xx

Chardonnay

Morning HB! You are so right, the odd pang is a small price to pay for all the positives that an AF life brings. And it's so great to know that they get fewer and fewer and that they surprise you when they do come. It really helps to hear things like that from you, as you are so much further down the path from me!

Hey MC! Of course I don't mind you posting here, in fact I'd miss you if you didn't! It doesn't matter to me whether you are AF or not - I still love hearing from you and this thread is for anyone who fancies posting. You've been a great support to me since I started this thread and are an important part of it!

Well it sounds like the real ale is a big part of yours and OH's life and if it's something that you enjoy and do together I can see why you wouldn't want to lose that. I say stop beating yourself up about it - you've said yourself that you're moderating now and that the times when you go overboard are getting fewer and further between so that's really positive isn't it?!

You're not a fraud and you fit in on here or other AF blogs - you are mindfully thinking about your alcohol consumption and that's the important thing, and if you get anything positive from the reading, that's great!

How did the gym go? I've never heard of Les Mills? You are right, a hangover and a sweaty gym session don't go together, so it's a great incentive not to drink the night before. I did do parkrun and got another PB! It was hard, but so satisfying and we all went for coffee after as usual and had a great laugh. A really great way to start a Saturday.

Hi mrsdee! Lovely to see you! Great to hear that you've been busy. I know what you mean about the extra time that not drinking brings - for me it's more the days that I would spend recovering from a session and not be bothered with anything.

Yes, I don't think I will ever tire of waking up without a hangover! Too many weekends wasted, but as you say, we can't change the past but can only do all we can to make the most of now, which we are doing. xx

Chardonnay

Right, so it's Day 50 for me today - feels like a bit of a milestone! After my very positive post from the other day, I should have known that things were going too smoothly. I'm afraid I had a tricky couple of days. On Thursday night we went to the pub for tea - I feel much better about it these days and don't feel so much like I'm missing out not drinking so was looking forward to it. I had a Becks Blue with lime - it was ok and I'm definitely getting used to not drinking in these situations now - I didn't feel awkward like I did when I first stopped drinking. But I don't know where the thoughts came from, I just suddenly felt a bit flat about it all - like the novelty had worn off? Thinking back, I didn't really enjoy the Becks Blue that much - they put it in a pint glass and as it's only just over half a pint, it didn't look right! They do mocktails in the pub - they had one - Cranberry, Ginger Ale and Lime - I thought that looked amazing! I wish I'd have asked for one of those now, but they were so busy, our food took ages coming and it just seemed easier not to bother.

So, that then set off the thinking. On Friday I felt low and tired (now realise I had PMT, sorry if too much information!) and just a bit fed up of it all. It all came to a head yesterday when I was cooking the tea and suddenly announced to OH that I was really missing drinking and might start again. He was brilliant - he said why would I want to do that? Not drinking was doing me so much good and I'd been much happier and feeling much better in myself. He said even if I just had one I'd be really annoyed with myself. He said it would affect my running - which he knows is so important to me! He said I'd be lying around on a weekend feeling rubbish again. He also said he won't drink when we go on holiday if it helps - how lucky am I to have such a lovely husband! I wouldn't let him do that though, it's my decision not to drink.

Well it snapped me right out of it - I have to add that I wasn't going to have a drink last night (just a fleeting thought that we had some Prosecco and I could open that) - no, again it was about future events, going out with the girls - will I fit in now I don't drink? Will they think I'm boring? Will I feel left out? So you see, I don't want to drink really do I? I'm more worried about what other people think of me! That was interesting to realise and something I need to remember - that would be such a stupid reason to start drinking again.

Then I thought, I'd be happy if I could just have no more than two drinks on any occasion. But I can't can I? I've proved that earlier in the thread. Going on a night out and just having two drinks would be like torture. I'd rather not drink at all. So I can't moderate. And even if I could, on the times I only had two drinks, I felt tired and lethargic the next day. I thought about drinking on holiday. I have a 10k race to do on 20th September. It's the same one in my local town that I was going to do last year but ruined it by going away with OH and drinking like a fish for 5 nights in a row and taking so long to recover that I ducked out of it I never forget watching everyone else and wishing so much that I could do it.

If I drink on holiday I will not go out running and I will not do the 10k - I know I won't. Running is more important to me than drinking now. And as for girls' nights out - I'm 45 - time I grew up for God's sake! I rarely go on them now anyway! Isn't it weird how the drinking mind works! It'll do anything to convince you to drink!

I also thought about how much happier I've been and all the benefits I've gained from not drinking and what positives there would be from drinking. The only positives I could think of were that I would fit in and feel part of it, and it'd be nice just to relax and switch my brain off for a while. But then I thought, I would pay for it later with tiredness, anxiety and depression. I love my life now - these last few weeks have been some of the best of my life. It's not like anything major has happened to make my life better - I have made my life better by not drinking! I just feel so much more contented with life now and I really am not going to throw all of that away for a couple of silly pangs!

Anyway, I came through it unscathed and now feel better than ever about not drinking. I got up early this morning and feel great - the sun in shining and I'm feeling ready to enjoy the day! Some friends I met through parkrun are planning on doing the Rome Marathon in April and want me to join them! Not sure if I will or not yet, but then again, why not? If I can stop drinking, I can do anything! :cool:

Hope everyone's having a great weekend - sorry about the length of this post! Enjoy the sunshine! :cool:

Honey_Bear

Maryland Cookie, if I could moderate I'd still be drinking. If you can, good luck to you. When I realised I was having problems staying in control of my drinking I started reading about it, and it was several years before I accepted that I needed to address what was rapidly becoming a really nasty problem. I don't advocate going solo AF unless the person who does it really wants to, because it's a toughie to crack and the last thing any of us needs is to fail at something we want to achieve. It's unhelpful. By the time I stopped I wanted to be AF so badly, it worked. Mostly that was down to one appalling night and the amount of reading and research I'd already done. With hindsight it was nothing in comparison to the amount I did in the first AF month, but at least I knew enough to understand what I was doing when I stopped.

Chardonnay, PMT makes anyone feel emotional and when we're in that phase it's difficult to stay on an even keel and remain objective. Knowing that it affected you that way this month, can you set something in place next month that pre-empts the negativity and reinforcs the postives before it strikes next month?

I think it's helpful to know what the danger triggers are. It's not about denying yourself alcohol and then feeling low because you can't do something - making this work is about ensuring that life without alcohol is so good you don't want to go back to it. You've got your running, I've got my stuff, and if, occasionally we need to lay on extra treats (handmade chocolates, Twink's Hobnobs, beautiful new blue planters for our sundeck) to boost us through the dangerous times it's pretty critical that you do it if you want to stay happily sober.

Something unexpected happened to me on Friday. We invited our newish neighbours in to join us for dinner with three guests and our lodger, so it was a really mixed bag. Lively, interesting, lots of laughter and a LOT of alcohol. The newish neighbours had given me a bottle of AF dealcoholised red wine as a One Year Soberversiray gift a few days before and I saved it for that night. Not having had red wine (one of my favourite tipples of choice) the first sip didn't taste that bad but I was almost overwhelmed when I took the second sip with a real wish to just be like everyone else and drink real red wine. So, I drank a couple of glasses of the de-alcoholised stuff, decided it was not for me and when pretty much everyone was so drunk they wouldn't notice I went back to my B***s B**e. It's safer and I think I can knock AF wines on the head once and for all.

We then went to a really imaginitve daytime 60th birthday party on Saturday which ended up at a yacht club later and the only AF non-softie drink I could face was a brand of AF beer I know I don't particularly like, but it was manna from heaven because they actually stocked it. I wasn't even a bit tempted by the booze. Interesting difference between the two evenings.

It gets easier, Chardonnay, but it remains an interesting challenge!