Benefit and help entitlement (Housing benefit)

sam25

I'm not talking about being let down or anything. People I have known throughout my life and even a recent girlfriend have been gobsmacked regarding my situation. They have even witnessed first hand the let down I have been through.

This isn't a magical assumption. It's a move I realised ages ago yet guilt was the main reason why I couldn't leave. In that time I tried every other available method and nothing worked. So now i'm leaving that guilt behind and know that this is perhaps my final option and 1 I have thought about for ages.


I do appreciate the advice but what I see here is being tarnished with the same brush as everyone else, which is why so many people with mental health problems end up never changing or getting the help they require. Just because it didn't work for someone, it doesn't mean my situation is exactly the same and it won't work for me. Thus comments like "You have already been advised by someone in your same scenario how moving to a new property did not stop their problems but just increased them", are not really ideal.

They are not in my same scenario. Just because there was social anxiety and problems with their family, it does not make it the same situation.


To be pretty blunt, this is why I didn't want to go into everything... Because people don't fully understand or simply try to tell me how i'm feeling or even that I am stuck in the past or that i'm unrealistic.

I have done more research on this than i'm going to go into. I have been advised by numerous people that moving is a wise option to help myself. This ranges from some people who actually have SA themselves, to ex girlfriends and social workers. I used to speak to someone online who was also a very nervous person. They made a move to have their own independence, it really helped them, they learned to drive and now work as an area manager.

I am well aware that its not like researching tooth issues. I know every little detail about it, and I know my own background and what people who also knew me have suggested.

CBT has been looked into. Firstly the waiting list is over 6 months and secondly without taking the cause of a lot of things out of the equation, it will never help long term. I have been told this by multiple people, including health professionals.

Anyway. Not going to post on this again. I came here for help about housing, yet my posts were always questioned or regardless of what I put, the opinion has been that I should try harder. Otherwise its been people tarnishing me with the same brush as anyone who has SA. Did any of you even know there are mild and severe forms of SA? Just because 1 person with SA has friends and can still live a relatively normal life, it doesn't mean someone else with SA can.

Anyway, thanks... I guess. I will pursue this on my own. If I do manage to get these plans into action then I will certainly be back to update on my progress

BigAunty

I am sorry that you feel you haven't received enough support and understanding from posters (and in particular me, as you mainly cite some of my observations in your criticism).

I do know the difference between mild and severe anxiety. I also know that people respond to different treatments, or not at all. I'm not really sure what point you were making there as you had already outlined that you suffer the more crippling kind that has not abated despite different strategies and nobody disputed your status.

I am just worried that you have put so much significance in a house move forming the major element of your recovery from mental illness, that's my main point, I don't mean to wind you up about it. The move definately has the potential to change things for the better, though, so I hope you get a nice place and it is the springboard into a better future.

The fact that the thread moved wider than the original remit on your benefit and social housing entitlements, in my opinion, is perhaps because you attached so much significance to it as a mental health cure whereas numerous posters have reservations about it's ability to totally fix things for you. That's perhaps why it went a bit off thread.

It is the nature of a thread for posters to try and pick up all related issues, to answer offer answers to unasked questions - but please note you were the one that foregrounded your illness as a reason for the HB/housing query in the first place and then outlined all the people and organisations that were failing you in your recovery - that is why people pitched in to try and help you resolve all the inter related issues. That's just the nature of a thread in a forum, it gets multi facted and you facilitated it.

I didn't detect an attitude from people telling you to 'try harder' but 'try differently'. This is a major difference. I can see no posts that informed you that you weren't putting enough effort in. I saw lots of sensible and caring advice.

People positively willed you on to resolve all your issues and suggested different approaches. They were keen for you to keep on challenging the people/organisations that have let you down. It seems that you have interpreted the suggested advice as criticism for the things you have done to date. It's a shame you have taken it very personally instead of constructively.

I am disappointed that you've interpreted this thread as yet another example of when you've been let down and rejected when you received an array of constructive advice and support.

There are online CBT courses. Perhaps another poster can recommend a good one?

I wish you well with getting a property that suits your needs and treatment that improves your health, then onto much better things. I really hope that you get the independence and economic improvements that you deserve. House, confidence & self esteem, full health, more money, a broadening of social horizons, a fulfilling job. Best wishes.

Ames

OK, I have depression, anxiety and cyclothymia. Two things over the last couple of years have really helped me.

First of all there was a course called Changing Minds (I don't know if it's nationwide though). It was a mixture of mindfulness and CBT. It really was amazing. It basically helped me to spot when I was starting to spiral down into unhelpful thoughts, identify them and bad emotions, and once you can do that you can reverse them and stop that horrible downward spiral. Once I realised that the problem wasn't with other people making me anxious, but me letting them make me feel that way, I could start to change that. But That's in no way saying that 'it's all in your head' or 'just pull yourself together'. It was a very difficult course though - it was fortnightly and I needed those two weeks to get over a session, so it's probably a bit too advanced for you right now.

I've become a real convert to mindfulness. I really recommend Ruby Wax's book 'Sane New World' about it. It explains what it is, the science behind it (people's brains look different on a scan when they're using it), and gives exercises to do. She's got a Master's degree from Oxford on the subject as well as suffering from depression so she really knows her stuff.

Unfortunately (as it won't help you) the other big thing to change was my family cutting me out of their lives. I think they were using it as (another) emotional abuse tool to get me to do what they wanted, but my life's improved immeasurably without them. Like you I have issues going back to childhood with them. For instance, when I was at school I wanted to be an engineer and study sciences at sixth form. For months my dad harangued me saying that I shouldn't do that, I should do something like politics or economics instead. When I started a politics degree a couple of years ago, suddenly the only subject worth studying (by anyone) is hard sciences. Or that he would still have a go at me now, when I'm in my 30s, for being rubbish at sport in school. I could go on!

So as first steps, as well as looking into moving out, I think you need to change GP, and get hold of some self help/work books about CBT and Mindfulness, and any other therapies you think might help.

I'd also suggest looking into courses or therapy in the community which accept self referrals. Not only will they help your illness, but it'll be a small step towards getting used to being around people. Being able to walk into a room and know that no-one's going to judge you on anything because they know what it's like is amazing.

I totally sympathise with you about the damp and mould. Until October I lived in a prefab flat, single skin concrete with no heating, and so riddled with damp there was mould in every room, particularly bad in the bedroom. However, I very much doubt that your council will have much sympathy, as rationally/logically there's no reason for you not to take the spare bedroom and move your mum's equipment into the dining room.

I was really lucky to get my new council flat after a year of being back on the list. It's an ex crack den (just last week had an ex addict at the door warning me that it's a dangerous area and she used to smoke drugs here) in an area most people still regard as a no-go zone. A nice place in the countryside is probably not a realistic prospect. Although you do need to be careful you don't jump into accommodation that's worse for your health just to get out. For instance, living in a tower block (especially ones with drug problems or dangerous tenants etc) would have made my health much worse.

And, finally, volunteering doesn't have to mean charity shops. I've pretty much done voluntary work for the last 8 years or so, working around how my health was at the time. That's veered from stuff I could do at home for a local arts charity, to sitting on various types/levels of committees. With a computer type background there's probably loads of stuff you could do from home. For instance most charities don't really have funding for websites but they're an essential tool. If you look at the Do It website I'm sure you'll be surprised at the range of skills that are needed.

Good luck - and if you get overwhelmed just think of it as eating an elephant - you can't do it all at once, but you can do it if you just see each little chunk on it's own and take time.

FBaby

I have worked with people suffering from similar mental health problems as yours which included providing counselling. You are right that every one is different and indeed, some people did surprise me and did not progressed as I had envisioned one way or the other. However, they are some clear trends that professionals will recognise as pathological. One is that those who don't seem to ever get better are set into negative thinking. Whatever you suggest to help them is faced with a systematic no. It is as if their mind is automatically set to consider why any suggestion will not work. It is a normal and understanding protecting mechanism to avoid the feeling of self blame if efforts are not rewarded. The other common trend amongst those suffering from anxiety and depression who struggle to get better over years is the feeling that nobody understands them. In a way, this is probably correct however is not the feelings they are experiencing which are misunderstood, it is the lack of wanting to show any positivism with any possible solutions offered that is hard to understand.

The main issue that you are facing is that you don't believe anyone else can help you any longer, yet your entire life revolve around others making things happen to you, which means you are left with no control over your life living it in the hands of people who you don't trust. It is no surprise you feel hopeless.

Maybe getting your own place would be the start of your recovery, but until you start taking control over your life to make things happen, you will always be left vulnerable. Where you stand now is that you believe that moving will make the whole difference but moving is fully dependent on getting social housing, which is out of your control. The reality is that, because you will not be considered at risk, your chances of getting what you want from them is low. You then fall into the above vicious circle. You believe you need something to get better, you are dependent on others to make that change, the change doesn't take place because others can't or won't enable it, you feel let down by them, and you blame them for your lack of recovery.

By all means do try to get your own place, but don't just wait for it to happen to make other changes into your life. Try to concentrate on the things you could do that are under your control to implement changes in your life. It can very small things to start with, but the feeling of elation you will get from these achievements will be much stronger than anything you get that is just the result of actions enacted by others.

Like other posters here, I sincerely wish you good luck. It is not about looking down at you or refusing to appreciate the hardship you have gone through or the feeling of entrapement you feel now, it is about trying to help you to move forward so you can escape it successfully. Many people who come across as in control of their lives have been through these same feelings as you have, but it is possible to get out of it and become stronger as a result.

BigAunty

FBaby wrote: »

I have worked with people suffering from similar mental health problems as yours which included providing counselling. You are right that every one is different and indeed, some people did surprise me and did not progressed as I had envisioned one way or the other. However, they are some clear trends that professionals will recognise as pathological. One is that those who don't seem to ever get better are set into negative thinking. Whatever you suggest to help them is faced with a systematic no. It is as if their mind is automatically set to consider why any suggestion will not work. .

Your observation about entrenched negative thinking reminded me about a thread in the relationship forum.

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/5182240

The OP on that thread has been bought to her knees by the 20 year plus history of her husband's mental health issues (OCD, depression, anxiety).

His behaviour is so extreme that she struggles to leave the house. If she does (she is a Uni student), he will have a panic attack and may even call the Police to report her missing.

She is virtually imprisoned in the house listening to his irrational thoughts that he is afraid she will die if she goes out of sight, and being a victim of his irrational behaviour, where he will bombard her with texts, pace up and down until she's back and has calmed him down, and where if he pops out on a rare occasion, he wants her to have her on a Skype broadcast.

FBaby

Yes, I read this thread and found it so sad on both accounts. Leaving in that extreme fear on a daily basis must be absolutely horrendous. Being the kidnapee of it must be just as bad.

Unfortunately, depression and anxiety is like cancer that eats you inside day by day if nothing is done to tackle it drastically. The more ingrained it is, the harder it is to get rid of it. That's why CBT is not as successful with long term sufferers because to work, people need to be receptive and prepared to do the exercises as told. This is almost impossible for people who have protected themselves psychologically by building a wall of negativism around them. This wall needs to be broken before any proactive work around anxiety and depression can take effect.

amersall

Or, if he had to give up work to care for his mum then it could be the caring/home environment that has caused his anxiety/depression and he may want to consider stopping caring (social services assessment could be done for mum), find somewhere to live and consider going back to work.

That is what I was thinking, carers do a very good job but for the op, I think it has really affected them.

amersall

FBaby and BigAunty, you are very wise and I agree with everything you have both posted.

sam25

You know what?? most advice given here was in fact WRONG based on my situation (Although I do appreciate it). I will explain why.

The last week or so I have made a LOT of progress. (I can't go into it all as its part of a legal process)

Firstly I had a meeting with my mothers consultant. A witness was there who has seen the negativity my family at home have towards me. They saw all evidence, were amazed and they told me they didn't even know I was a carer here claiming carers allowance because I have been pushed out so much. They recommended getting me out of this house and off their own back suggested council housing and started making a push to get me out of there.

I then went to see a GP. We had pages of evidence including sound recordings and again the witness was with me. I could tell by the GP's face that they were just amazed too. Later that day (Fridayt last week) I was called in for a direct meeting with the practice manager and my GP. They were so sincere, telling me how they have overlooked the situation i'm in. They too had no idea things were like that, a few other things and calmly told me that have had to pass the information I gave them over to the police because not only were they concerned about my welfare, but also my mothers.

There is a named police office I have been corresponding with who has also been so helpful with everything.

Social services have been involved and they have put the cards down on the table. Either my mother is put into care or they will heavily monitor the situation by placing 1 care worker 5 times a week to stay here overnight and another that comes here every other day in the week to help with everything. The latter option was chosen.

For me, I am now in my own place. Yes, I was doubted, of course MSE it was all in my head and my negativity wasn't it?

I was put as a priority though the council and 2 days later guess what? Yep, my own place. A 1 bedroom flat. While it isn't in the countryside, I can already feel this weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

As recommended I have now been put on a course for CBT and group therapy. The GP even said to me that being here wouldn't help me because CBT is to combat the negative thoughts, yet being in a situation like that will never allow me to change.

So yeah... I now live away from home and while i'm not exactly there yet, I can feel how much better I am now already.

I do believe that some of the comments were a bit harsh based on my situation but alas, I can understand that some people here were pretty judgemental, assumed SA and depression was clear cut and put me in the same category as everyone else.... Then when they didn't like the fact I didn't agree with them, there would be unfair ammo used.


All you peeps need to know now though is I knew what my situation was like and thankfully the authorities now know as well. Things are already getting so much better for me.

FBaby

Well you were wrong when you said that nobody understood you. It's amazing how in one week, all those people/organisations managed to go from being totally unhelpful for years to suddenly thinking you are a superhero and deserve to be considered a high priority for rehousing. So maybe we were not so wrong about advising to remain positive and trust others to help you?

Hope this move will be the start of your recovery and managing to get back into employment so you can become fully independent.