Feeling very guilty for having just one child

carmina_piranha

As one of 4 I'd have liked to be an only child, and I escaped the noise and chaos to spend as much time in my grandparent's child-free house as possible - where I could sit and read a book in silence!

My 9 year old would love a sibling close in age but I miscarried his sibling, and there's always the feeling that that lost child is missing, and how much he'd have loved their company.

If your child has cousins or friends that can come for sleepovers, weekends and days out then that's similar, sort of. I include cousins when I can, even on holidays. Friends and favourite cousins are better than siblings because you choose them I preferred one cousin to my siblings while I was growing up.

j.e.j.

Tell her about China, where every single child is an only child, thanks to their one-child policy. No-one in recent generations has cousins or aunts/uncles, presumably.

ennui

Any one individual can't experience all the different things life has to offer. As an only child, I've often thought I'd like a sibling - but I have a relationship with my parents that I don't think would be the same if there were someone else complicating it. And I've always thought it rather sad that so many people don't know how to cope with their own company. There are things I've missed out on by not having brothers and sisters, but there are things I've gained that members of big families don't experience. None of us can have it all ways!

Linda32

I am 43 my Brother is 9 years younger than me. I can't remember my Mum being pregnant but I do remember that it was a nice idea at the time. I remember looking into the pram and saying 'he's smiling' I later understood that that was wind!

After that I remember watching cartoons when I was technically too old for them but still liked them

I remember arguing quite a lot with him

Now I know he is alive and kicking through my Mum but its a good couple of years since I last saw him or spoke. We haven't fallen out its just that he has his life with his wife and I have mine.

I have thought that I would have liked to have had a Sister but its just novelty. If my Brother had been a girl I doubt our lives would have been any different.

onlyroz

This notion that siblings will be best friends is a total myth. My kids despise each other around 70% of the time, tolerate each other 20% and get on ok for the other 10%. I got on ok with my own brother but that was because we chose to spend little time with each other.

Mojisola

Tinuel wrote: »

Have a 12 year old daughter, only child, and I now realise that I made a huge mistake in not having another child.

A few months ago, our daughter mentioned for the first time, that she wished she had a sibling of a similar age. And when she saw two sisters friends of her, she was jealous.

If you had more children and one of the them said she wished she was an only child because her singleton best friend got more time with her parents, more money spent on her and didn't have to share her things, what would you have said?

[Deleted User]

I have had three pregnancies and unfortunately, with the middle one, the much loved child was unexpectedly born with a serious heart defect and died after 8 days.

My older son begged for a brother or sister for a long time, and it coincided with my wish for 3 children (for some reason) but somehow I just didn't get pregnant for another five years. Then when I did, after all the longing and waiting.., he died. So it was very difficult to deal with. My grief was unbelievable and of course, my son was broken hearted too. Very difficult to deal with it, because I couldn't make it better for him and at 5-10 his understanding of why was limited. I couldn't understand how it could have happened.., so how could my son at that age? There are no answers to the questions he had.

The pregnancy had been hellish.., I didn't expect to get pregnant again.., but five years after the second one I found I was pregnant.

Thank goodness, this child did survive, and well, for me, he sort of made the world 'right' again. Its hard to explain. I would have carried on obviously but it kind of made the world a better place having had a second surviving son. My older son is my miracle child in a lot of ways.., but so is his brother.

BUT once he had a brother, my older son realised having a brother wasn't all a rose garden. He had to share a lot more, in the beginning he got less attention because I was caring for his baby brother, and he now has an 8 year old who has no sense of the privacy needs of others (in spite of my best efforts and a lock on my older son's door), who has been known to barge in on my 19 year old even if he says no. Because of the 10 year age gap, it means quite often if I take them out, one is bored although both enjoy family outings. We have joint outings and when days off school/college permit, just me and one child days too so they get the best of both worlds.

But having said all that, I know without a shadow of a doubt, my older son wouldn't change a thing. There's nothing like getting a hug and being adored by your younger brother! Any child is beyond price.., but we know what can happen, so his brother is super valued and appreciated (but not spoiled because of what happened).

Sorry, I'm not wording this very well.

But we were all set up for just accepting that my older son would be my only child. And we'd have got on with it, glad that we had him. One is definitely enough if that's the way it works out. There are pro's and cons to having just one child, and the same for having more than one.

In spite of the impression given by other posters with siblings.., my family are very close and I suspect always will be. They are very different but very bonded. There are some frictions, but above everything else, they know what they have in having each other.

marmiterulesok

Jagraf wrote: »

In a years she will wish she had a dog, a horse,a bigger bedroom, expensive make up, thinner legs, longer hair, a squashy nose ....

I have one child, my husband has no biological children which he wanted but the timing and money etc etc was just not right.

My DD has a friend who has six siblings and the friend spends most of her time at our house as its a nightmare at hers.

Your daughter doesn't miss having a sibling as she hasn't had one. And let me tell you, it's generally parents who have this notion that their kids will be close. Ok some are through chance, but most go their own ways and have an independent life of their own.

Surely you feel blessed that you have a healthy happy daughter - so much more than most.

Enjoy her, ignore her silly comments, and get on with being a fab parent.

Great reply.

Buzzybee90

Does she have cousins? Sometimes they can be very close.

I'm very close with my brother but often times I'd we'd have fought like anything as children.

Goldiegirl

Speaking as an only child, you don't miss what you've never had.

You have no choice but the play to play the hand you are given in life, and believe me, the majority of only children don't spend their lives hankering after a sibling, and blaming their parents for not providing one.

The only time I ever thought it might have been nice to have a sibling was immediately after my parents died. My husband was a great support to me at that time, but it would have been nice to have had someone who felt exactly the same as me.

But that feeling lasted a few weeks, that's all.

In fact, when I remember my childhood friends having stand up rows in the street with their siblings, I've generally been glad to have been an only.

Incidentally, my mum had three miscarriages, including mis carrying my twin. No doubt the experiences affected her greatly, but it never had any adverse impact on me.

I feel for the posters who had miscarriages, but for those who are feeling guilty about not providing their child with a sibling.....there's no need, your child doesn't know any different. They accept the life they have, not the one you think you should have given them