Feeling very guilty for having just one child

atolaas

I'm mother to one child. At this point he is highly likely (never say never) to remain an only child, he's 4. Like your partner..I had a terrible pregnancy and whilst I love and adore my son, I do not wish to endure another pregnancy. I understand and share your fears and concerns about an only child not having a sibling to play with or share with. I have a brother who's 14 months younger than me and we fought constantly growing up, we maintain a distant relationship both geographically (he now lives Stateside) and idealistically. We have always been opposites who have grated and annoyed one another. Sadly, just because you have a sibling doesn't mean you automatically have a "friend for life."

BrassicWoman

my sibling is a git who has made the entire family miserable, and poorer. Same upbringing as me, so I doubt it was anything my parents did.

If you have one happy, well adjusted child, it's enough.

alias*alibi

Hi OP

Lots in your first post hit home with me. I too had a terrible labour lasting 45 hours which resulted in my DD being whisked off to oxygen as she wasn't breathing when born. It scared the life out of me and made the decision there and then she would be an only child and also thought at 33 I was too old for another.

As the years have rolled by DD has mentioned in passing that she would like a brother or sister but I've always told her the truth and said it would never happen. However she's nearly 10 and I too worry about her feeling isolated and having to entertain herself as we live in a road that has no children her age. She's got a best friend which she gets jealous over if her friend plays with other children so I do worry that this is partly due to having no siblings and not learning how to 'share'. I also worry about her being lonely as she takes herself off to her room more and more to play on her iPod

However I have an older brother and I hate him with every fibre of my being. Growing up was always about him being in trouble and I felt sometimes I got ignored because I was the good girl who caused no bother. He's caused nothing but misery and is a liar and manipulator who lives in a fantasy world and can't see me ever talking to him again so I know siblings don't always work. My DH is a twin and even they don't get on!

I feel your angst. I have raised an independent child who is pretty well behaved; and the bonus of her having no siblings is having no scraps or arguments to endure daily.

FatVonD

LilElvis wrote: »

I know that part of my guilt stems from my (irrational) feelings surrounding the loss of our daughter's twin. I was so panicked when we found out we were going to have twins that I almost feel that it is my fault that we lost one, even though I know it isn't true. It was devastating when we saw our tiny babies on the ultrasound, but only one heartbeat as the other's had stopped beating in the preceding 24 hours. It was almost worse in the following weeks to see the one baby growing and moving, whilst the other remained tiny, still and less defined as it faded away. I knew that we had lost our only chance of having two children and blamed myself for the loss - I think I still do.

That happened to me too when I had my son (also via IVF).

Until 8 weeks there were two of them and then I bled a little, went for a scan and there was only one heartbeat. I blamed going shopping for a twin pram (counting my chickens) and driving back from Homebase with the back window open so exhaust fumes came into the car.

The reality is that, had it not been an IVF pregnancy I'd never have had a scan at three or four weeks pregnant so would never have seen the two heartbeats and I'm sure a lot of 'normal' pregnancies start out as two but nobody ever knows that they lost one along the way so don't beat yourself up about it

FatVonD

OP, my son is an only child and occasionally wished he had a sibling when he was younger but he absolutely LOVES the benefits of being an only child now he's older.

help4help2013

you should not feel guilty about this at all sometimes life takes us in a different direction you should always look to the future and not the past.

marisco_2

Tinuel wrote: »

Basically my wife had a really difficult labour, that made us delay for a number of years. On top of that, financial difficulties, relationship problems and a move abroad all happening, made it difficult to have another one.

You have nothing to lose sleep over or feel guilty about. The above are all very good reasons for not having had a second child. Your decisions have helped to ensure that your daughter has enjoyed a happy, secure childhood with her growing up feeling loved, full of confidence, well able to socialise and form strong friendships. Don't be troubled by her curiosity about having a sibling. She is just exploring her feelings and learning valuable life lessons on how to handle them.

Tinuel

Thanks all for sharing and your kind words. I couldn't login last night to reply, apologies.

Yes, I do have a brother, one year older and we do get along.
I do know that I should not feel guilty, as I am a loving and responsible dad and she is a normal, social, popular girl.

Actually she is quite the opposite of what people perceive an only child to be. She isn't introvert or selfish.

Will try to get a good night's sleep today .

Jagraf

Tinuel wrote: »

Thanks all for sharing and your kind words. I could login last night to reply, apologies.

Yes, I do have a brother, one year older and we do get along.
I do know that I should not feel guilty, as I am a loving and responsible dad and she is a normal, social, popular girl.

Actually she is quite the opposite of what people perceive an only child to be. She isn't introvert or selfish.

Will try to get a good night's sleep today .

You have to stop thinking about what others perceive an only child to be, as you're all mixed up!

A child is an individual, not half of a sibling, not a quarter of a family, or even a third. They are a person in their own right. At 18 or earlier they can leave without any responsibility whatsoever to that family. (Not saying they will by the way!).

Having one, five, ten or twenty kids does not make that one child better, worse, more important, more or less secure. It is not family that does that, it is being loved, growing in confidence and being shown how to make their own way in the world. They will find the people they want to spend time with en route, some may be family, most will not be family. Some families are completely destructive to a child.

Those who knock the set up of other people's lives ("it must be lonely for your child / I couldn't cope with three / its a shame you don't have children" are insecure in their lives. Seriously, please don't care about what others think!

As for your daughter, as someone has already mentioned on here, you need to gear up for teenage years (I posted a thread on here about feeling guilty about DD doing revision). Hardly anything you do will be right until she's 18 .

I urge you to not waste your time worrying about this. The next few years will fly by and you should enjoy every moment. What your daughter needs is someone to show her that all people are different.

Best of luck and have a fab weekend. Take her kite flying x

heartbreak_star

I'm a 35-year-old only child, and to be quite frank I NEVER wanted a sibling!

There was the odd moment when I felt like your daughter...seeing a friend and her sister giggling over something...and then it dissipated 5 minutes later when I was having to stand between them so one wouldn't deck the other

I did have a lot of friends, and most of them used to say they loved the peace and quiet of my house. I'd often have 1 or 2 people doing homework with me of an evening because they had no siblings underfoot

I never wanted a sibling at Christmas. What do you mean I can't have as many presents?

In fact, the only time I have ever wanted siblings is when Dad was ill and I was running myself absolutely ragged. And yes, that's selfish, but it's how I felt.

In general, being an only child is cool.

HBS x