Feeling very guilty for having just one child

Tinuel

Hi all,
I have been several sleepless nights and a guilt for several months now.
Have a 12 year old daughter, only child, and I now realise that I made a huge mistake in not having another child.

Basically my wife had a really difficult labour, that made us delay for a number of years. On top of that, financial difficulties, relationship problems and a move abroad all happening, made it difficult to have another one.

A few months ago, our daughter mentioned for the first time, that she wished she had a sibling of a similar age. And when she saw two sisters friends of her, she was jealous.

Since then, I am always sad when I walk past parents with two kids, and I feel so guilty that it's really having an impact on my life.

InsideInsurance

What are you feeling guilty for?

The grass is always greener on the other side. Ask most kids with siblings if they'd rather be an only child and they will say yes. Ask most only child kids if they'd rather siblings and they will say yes.

Thats just life, they dont consider the sharing they'd have to do, not having as much attention, doing things the other kids rather than they want to do etc. They also assume they'd get on with each other when in reality its rare that its the case all the time etc. Similarly those who've siblings assume they'd get 2-3x the presents if their siblings didnt exist, that they'd only ever do what they wanted etc.

I was adopted from birth and whilst I found I have half siblings recently I had a very happy childhood. I always had friends, always had time with my parents, could not have others around me when I didnt want. Occasionally I was bored and as a child I dont doubt occasionally I said things to my parents but as an adult I can certainly see the advantages I had as an only child.

Tinuel

Thanks,
Well because she would have company and someone to share the joys and problems as she gets older.
Someone to play and share your secrets. That sibling connection basically.

She does have lots of friends and is very popular and social at school. But I do feel guilt when I see her reading a book by herself or playing games on her tablet.

fairy_lights

Tinuel wrote: »

Thanks,
Well because she would have company and someone to share the joys and problems as she gets older.
Someone to play and share your secrets. That sibling connection basically.

Not necessarily. Not all siblings have a close bond, some actively hate each other. Right now she might feel jealous of her friends who have close relationships with their siblings, but she'll get over it unless you make it in to more of an issue than it really is.

McKneff

There is absolutely no point in you dwelling on it.

You gave us all the reasons why you didn't, remind yourself of them and get on with it.

Gigervamp

Don't feel guilty.

As another poster said, not all siblings get on well together. My brother and I were always fighting, we were never close.

I always wanted to have a sister, as, like your daughter, I imagined having a close relationship, sharing secrets etc. As I didn't have a sister, one of my cousins filled that role.

jaylee3

Tinuel wrote: »

Hi all,
I have been several sleepless nights and a guilt for several months now.
Have a 12 year old daughter, only child, and I now realise that I made a huge mistake in not having another child.

Basically my wife had a really difficult labour, that made us delay for a number of years. On top of that, financial difficulties, relationship problems and a move abroad all happening, made it difficult to have another one.

A few months ago, our daughter mentioned for the first time, that she wished she had a sibling of a similar age. And when she saw two sisters friends of her, she was jealous.

Since then, I am always sad when I walk past parents with two kids, and I feel so guilty that it's really having an impact on my life.

Awww, you poor thing!

I know many people with several siblings (even just one) who never got on with them, or only got on with one, and they tell all kinds of tales of being left out while another child got more attention, or having to take things second hand and third hand and even fourth hand! And also I know numerous people whose parents had a favourite child, and it wasn't them! They end up emotionally scarred for life, and it never leaves them.

I even know a man who is 5 ft 5 and his brother (1 year older) is 6 feet tall, and he has been the butt of 'height jokes' his whole 55 years, and his wife said he is the most insecure person she knows. Very low self esteem. His brother (the first born) has done way better in his career too; (probably because of having more confidence in being the favourite one, and not being bullied and criticized.)

Only children often have better, closer relationships with their parents, they excel better at school, and excel better in the workplace, because they do better academically, they have their space when they want it, everything is theirs and nobody else's, and they are more likely to be secure and less needy than a child with siblings.

They are also more likely to have successful relationships, and more friends, and they are more likely to leave home earlier than children with siblings, and more likely to want to travel a lot and spread their wings, and also are more likely to be close to their parents.

That is not to say that kids with siblings are set up for failure lol (I have siblings!) and many children with siblings have great relationships with parents and do well at school etc,. but it is a well documented fact that many 'only' children excel in life a bit more than children with siblings. Mainly because of the extra attention they get compared to someone with multiple siblings. Often also, the parents can afford to support them more, because they are the only one.

My pal who is an only child, says she never cared about having no siblings as a child, as she had plenty of friends, and her folks were very interactive with her, and she had company when she wanted it, and her own time when she wanted it. But she says she kind of wishes occasionally that she had siblings now (at 33,) when sees friends with siblings and nieces and nephews. (which she will never have.) Although she says it rarely bothers her as she has so many friends, and wonderful parents, and an amazing husband.

Plus I know many people who don't get on with siblings, and have actually had their life impaired by them in some way.

I think every parent of an only child feels a bit bad, but trust me, the advantages for the child outweigh the disadvantages. I also think (from experience of people I know/have known) that the less siblings people have (like if they have none or only one,) the more likely they are to be close to their parents and to be successful in life. I know few people with multiple siblings, who have fantastic relationships with their parents and all their siblings. Life ain't like the Waltons! I think people with one or NO siblings are generally more successful, less insecure, and are more likely to have successful relationships.

My 33 year old friend went to a top university and is now in a top medical job. She has a wonderful relationship with her parents, and a great marriage. She wants children, but doesn't mind if she only has one, as she has not suffered for it.

Do not feel bad!!!

Jagraf

In a years she will wish she had a dog, a horse,a bigger bedroom, expensive make up, thinner legs, longer hair, a squashy nose ....

I have one child, my husband has no biological children which he wanted but the timing and money etc etc was just not right.

My DD has a friend who has six siblings and the friend spends most of her time at our house as its a nightmare at hers.

Your daughter doesn't miss having a sibling as she hasn't had one. And let me tell you, it's generally parents who have this notion that their kids will be close. Ok some are through chance, but most go their own ways and have an independent life of their own.

Surely you feel blessed that you have a healthy happy daughter - so much more than most.

Enjoy her, ignore her silly comments, and get on with being a fab parent.

PasturesNew

Just because you have two doesn't mean they'll be alike, or like each other, or share interests. Indeed, if you got a boy you might have displeased your daughter and she might have perpetually bemoaned the "smelly boy, I wanted a sister"

Jagraf

Just to throw in, its strange what people say. My daughter is my parents only grandchild, which they love. They are very close. But some of their friends say "don't you wish you had more grandchildren" which is really odd considering every child is a 'miracle'. Some people think you can just pop em out! (Sorry maybe wrong choice of words).

Snakey

What your daughter actually meant was that it would be fantastic to have your best friend in the whole world happen to also be your sister, so that you could share a bedroom and fall asleep whispering and giggling and wake up together and eat together and skip to school holding hands and have fun all day every day.

Do you have siblings? Was it like that for you?

Her comment was triggered by a short period of time spent with two sisters who, at that moment in time, just happened to be getting along together. I'm sure she realises that.