Feeling very guilty for having just one child

orangeslimes

If she had siblings she would probably be wishing she was an only child, so I don't know why you feel guilty, especially if it was a matter of your wife's health.

I have siblings - and whilst we played together a lot - I wouldn't say we are that close. It isn't some automatic bond for life.

LilElvis

Baby_Angel wrote: »

We sorted that problem of "Anna" with the help of Grandma. My mother lives with us and my DD treats her more like her sister.:D

On a serious note, we are in the same boat. However our first daughter, if she was alive today, would have had serious health issues. My DD would have thought we are spending more time with her. It would never seem right however you look at it. She isn't old enough to realise, being healthy is far more important than having some one to play/share with.

I'm sorry for what you have been through - miscarriage is an awful thing to suffer, but nothing in comparison to the loss of a child.

I know that part of my guilt stems from my (irrational) feelings surrounding the loss of our daughter's twin. I was so panicked when we found out we were going to have twins that I almost feel that it is my fault that we lost one, even though I know it isn't true. It was devastating when we saw our tiny babies on the ultrasound, but only one heartbeat as the other's had stopped beating in the preceding 24 hours. It was almost worse in the following weeks to see the one baby growing and moving, whilst the other remained tiny, still and less defined as it faded away. I knew that we had lost our only chance of having two children and blamed myself for the loss - I think I still do.

Hedgehog99

Having one child (or none) is the responsible way to go these days - your finances will be less stretched, you'll have more time for her, and the planet will benefit.

Being an only child makes you take more responsibility for yourself and be more independent. You never know whether you'd have got on with your siblings whereas you can choose your friends.

pickledonionspaceraider

I have not read the entire thread but

Having a sibling of a similar age is not always sweetness and light. Often siblings have very differing personalities and completely CLASH causing uproar in a household

Baby_Angel

LilElvis wrote: »

I'm sorry for what you have been through - miscarriage is an awful thing to suffer, but nothing in comparison to the loss of a child.

I know that part of my guilt stems from my (irrational) feelings surrounding the loss of our daughter's twin. I was so panicked when we found out we were going to have twins that I almost feel that it is my fault that we lost one, even though I know it isn't true. It was devastating when we saw our tiny babies on the ultrasound, but only one heartbeat as the other's had stopped beating in the preceding 24 hours. It was almost worse in the following weeks to see the one baby growing and moving, whilst the other remained tiny, still and less defined as it faded away. I knew that we had lost our only chance of having two children and blamed myself for the loss - I think I still do.

Please don't blame yourself. It is already hard to live through the pain of losing a baby. Look after yourself and your DD. Sending you lots of hugs.

supersaver2

As others have said it's human nature to think the grass is greener when in reality it isn't, just different.

We have the same family make up. Just the one lovely daughter. She was very early and I nearly lost them both during child birth. We made the decision to only have the one as we couldn't risk my wife's health. Don't feel guilty, you love and provide for your child and made the decision about your family after thinking about the pro's and con's. Its a shame more people aren't as responsible!

System

I was an only child for 6 years before my sisters and brother came along. So i've experienced both sides. Personally, i'm sadly not close to any of my siblings, if it had been a smaller age gap maybe i would have been as my sisters are best friends and i often feel left out. LIke its on sisters birthday today and her, my other sister and my brother are all meeting up, but i never got an invite.

I guess what i'm trying to say is don't feel guiilty. I love my sibs to bits but the grass isn't always greener.

balletshoes

Snakey wrote: »

What your daughter actually meant was that it would be fantastic to have your best friend in the whole world happen to also be your sister, so that you could share a bedroom and fall asleep whispering and giggling and wake up together and eat together and skip to school holding hands and have fun all day every day.

Do you have siblings? Was it like that for you?

Her comment was triggered by a short period of time spent with two sisters who, at that moment in time, just happened to be getting along together. I'm sure she realises that.

:rotfl::rotfl: nail on the head there - my daughter is an only, her best friend has a sister a year younger than her, and the sisters fight like cat and dog most of the time!

I have 2 sisters, they are twins and 18 months younger than me, yes we are close but we used to fight loads when we were kids. They aren't my best friends, even now.

OP don't feel guilty - we all make choices as parents which are the ones we feel are right at the time. Theres nothing you can do about giving her a sibling now, she's highly unlikely to want a toddler trailing along behind her when she's a teenager.

krlyr

I wasn't an only child, but an only girl (3 brothers). I never once envied my childhood best friend with her sister - they always seemed to be falling out!

Even with a sibling, there would be times she would want to be on her own playing on her tablet or reading a book.

AntoMac

Tinuel wrote: »

Hi all,
I have been several sleepless nights and a guilt for several months now.
Have a 12 year old daughter, only child, and I now realise that I made a huge mistake in not having another child.

Basically my wife had a really difficult labour, that made us delay for a number of years. On top of that, financial difficulties, relationship problems and a move abroad all happening, made it difficult to have another one.

A few months ago, our daughter mentioned for the first time, that she wished she had a sibling of a similar age. And when she saw two sisters friends of her, she was jealous.

Since then, I am always sad when I walk past parents with two kids, and I feel so guilty that it's really having an impact on my life.

Tinuel,

I am a father of one as well (my daughter is 11) and I feel a lot of similar feelings of guilt as you do. We were married for 10 years before she came along and she was a magical, unexpected blessing as we didn't think it would happen due to wife's medical condition.
A few years ago she started keeping on at us for an (older!) brother. It bothers me a lot that we only had one but it is one more than we thought would be possible so we count our blessings for that. We got her a cat instead of an older brother (!) and she just loves him to bits.
She seems largely happy although she does often mention she would love a sibling. I worry about her being a bit weird compared to other kids and she can drive us round the twist but I always makes sure she knows she is very much loved and as others have said having more than one child must be very costly, although I would have loved 2 or 3 more if nature had allowed.

Excuse my ramblings but I hope it gives you comfort in knowing that you are not alone in feeling guilty, although deep down I hope we both know that we shouldn't feel guilty about it.