The single track road - life on a different path

apple_muncher

MeandO wrote: »

Best I don't paint it Apple, I might get to quite like it in there lol! :rotfl:

xx

Just don't go putting an armchair and duvet in there to snuggle down with! Or maybe we'll come and join you in there...xx


Please keep posting and letting us know how you are. Loneliness is bitter. Maybe write a list of ways to treat yourself and do 1 each day - things you enjoy doing, or that make you feel better. Do try to eat well - you know the drill, more fresh produce and less processed gubbins.

Sending you lots of hugs xxx

liltdiddylilt

Hey lady...

So, I assume little O is in bed now. This is the time to get on here... and get stuff OUT.

That up there, is a huge step. I know it doesn't feel like it and the situations are somehow the same and yet a million miles apart, but so much of what you have written up there is what I lived through 18 months ago. No-one at work even KNEW what was happening except for my boss. I wore my wedding ring throughout everything there because I just did not want questions from people who I worked with and nothing else. I was hundreds of miles away from family, with absolutely nothing and yet everything tying me to this place. No real friends down here. I lived all day with my normal face plastered on and then the second Jelly went to bed, that was it, I was eating a quick omelette or a bag of crisps and some cheese on toast, and jumping in to bed or sitting in front of the TV staring at the screen not even listening with my brain in overdrive about things I couldn't tell you then, let alone now. There was no quiet in my head. I couldn't sleep for more than an hour or two, because I was wound up so tightly from pretending all of the time that someone else was around that I was ok. Then breaking at 11pm and ringing my mum spouting gibberish for an hour at 90mph with high blood pressure and all manner of other things. I was so close to a breakdown.

A HUGE part of the issue, and one you may or may not like admitting.. is that there is no closure on ended relationships with a child involved. My list of what-if's was huge and super guilt-inducing. Just what if I had never had Jelly; I could have just shut Him out of my life for good and got on with things and never had to see him or deal with him again. What if I moved home with Jelly and he could only see her every now and again. What if I lived on benefits and stopped work and he didn't have to come to stay over and look after her each week. There were dozens of these thoughts, and then the shouting down from the practical and emotional, and parent sides of me. I was actually tearing myself apart internally and Him barely had to do anything to make me feel awful about myself. I dropped stones in weight... 1st 9lbs in 4 weeks, and I have put it all back on and more.

The way I dragged myself back out of it (and it had nothing at all to do with getting back with him, because frankly until last August... even as far as November, I wasn't actually letting my guard anywhere near down around him and just autopiloted the good little wife and kept my heart and my feelings and the real me locked down tight...) was to start my new diary. I formulated as best I could everything that I needed to do, the day after I kicked him out for good. I rang the tax credits, I spoke to a health visitor. I made plans and detailed what needed to be done. I got pro-active when I felt like sitting crying. Instead of shutting it out sleeping on and off, I started to write things down on here. And yes if you're the kind of person who doesn't let their guard down easily, that can be very hard. But I wrote for me, not for anyone here. The money control begun in January. I started my regular saver when the tax credits got boosted (and I got my big back payment too) and pumped as much money as I could into savings. I got myself the broadband I had wanted for ages after being so cheap. I got a you view box and started to record the tv I actually DO watch, like Castle :o:o - I started to list things for shopping, and make myself different sorts of food that I liked. I put myself back together like a seriously complex puzzle piece. I worked out how to be alone, and be ok with it. And to this minute, I am still OK with it. I am a whole complete person. I have my Jelly, and she is a new world, but I do the things that make me happy.

You're doing so much of that already. You just need to make a few tweaks and it is very difficult because as soon as O is in bed, you're effectively trapped in the house. I know that feeling.... But there is so much you can do. the odd little thing here and there can really make a difference.

You are doing so well, honestly. It is the seriously early days. I split up with Him in September, and didn't kick him out until December. But in December it started all over again from the start, the broken me. And then again in January I sent the rest of his junk back. And it reset the clock again. So please don't use the original split or anything as a timeline. You're only just beginning the next step, and you've gone back to square one. So take it one day at a time, do the things that make you happy, and start adding in some of the things that make you more stable and those will start to make you happy too.

Lots and lots of love and hugs. Am always here.. xx

plymouthscubagirl

Hey chicken

Again that could have been written by me I'm not very good at opening up and sharing either, more a bottle it all up kind of gal, but it doesnt help in the long run. Shame your the wrong end of the country as we could have shared many a bottle putting the world to rights!

I too am going through bits and pieces you you. Like Lilt said, we have no closure at all as we have our little ones. As much as I'm glad I get on with the ex, it also ties me and stops me from moving on. Have constant guilt about whether I have made the right decisions etc. I literally get 1 night to myself without little one which is quite tough actually. My life pre-little one would have meant getting up and going gym or for a run and to be honest this is how I nurture myself. me time. Kind of lost that and that is tough. I guess we're having to create a new identity for ourselves a little as gone from being Miss Independant to mummy and wife/girlfriends and now back to I Dont Know What Really! Still trying to figure that bit out. I know I have way more responsbility as having to do all this alone. Yes most definitely lonely at times, BUT I do know at the back of my head that the fog will clear at some point and life will start becoming rosy again.
I too am highly irritable about things, snapping at little one and those close to me, in fact not even really snapping but anger rages at stupid things they say/do. Luckily I'm usually quite chilled so I can keep a lid on it.
Maybe your a little down/depressed/stressed? Mixture of things. Like Lilt said the only way is to fight your way back through it. Try and tackle one part maybe? Eating better or YNAB? In fact YNAB would be a great one as you already have a good bank balance after credits so maybe start getting back into that one? Start with small easy tasks and build up on it, as its all too overwhelming otherwise? Gratitude list sometimes helps at the end of the day. Even if you dont write it down, I could never be bothered as it was just another thing to put on the to do list(!) I just mentally thought about 3 things before sleep.
I wouldnt advise doing YNAB before bed time. I too struggled to sleep after looking at that in bed! Try some lavendar sleep mist or the Bach drops for your tongue which just help you stay asleep? I guess you have to just be kind to yourself in baby step ways. Broken sleep is a KILLER for your moods and just mental wellbeing. I completely sympathise there as I went through that for months.

Chicken if you are feeling really under the weather there is no shame in going to the doctors and getting some tablets to help yout through this brief blip in your life. Until everything is rosy again, and it will brighten up soon with a few little changes.Back in control of your life - thats our aim :beer:

Sorry typing this quickly in work so might be all gobble-de-gook

More hugs from me too xx

MeandO

You lot are all... just... so lovely. :A

Really appreciate your responses, and PM's. I'm sorry to be so down, hope I'm not dragging anyone down with me, but like many of you said, I just really needed to get it out. As you said Lilty, this diary is a great release, I hope I don't come across as a whinging, miserable moo though as that's far from my normal self.

I think a big problem is that [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] my house (I need to start calling it that now) is very much a family house. It's big (4 big beds), it's light and airy and the developers took pride in making it a very 'social' layout for entertaining and such. It's a lovely house, and don't get me wrong, I'm very lucky to have it, but it's damn lonely and empty when it's just me, or even just me and my boy.
This was meant to be the dream house, but's never felt like home to me, it's not cosy or homely and, being a furniture designer by degree (yes, really, why did I ever think that would get me a job!!:o:p), my house has always been 'my thing' that I would spend (obscene) amounts of time and money on, but this one has never felt right. Him has been helping in painting and (soon) tiling it for me, but it still doesn't feel like my space. I can't relax there evenings, I NEVER sit in the lounge on my own.
Ever.
Now more than ever, I can see that it is the people that make a home, not the house and unfortunately I don't have the 'people'.:(

If I could now sell the house and downsize, I would, but I just couldn't shift it for a year, despite a stupidly low asking price, it would uproot O and cause him even more distress and he really loves 'his house with the green door' as he calls it.

Scuba, I'm so sorry you're feeling much the same. You're right, I wish we were closer too so we could regularly put the world to rights together!
The gym is a big help for me too, and I seriously need to get back to it, I'm still paying for it for goodness sake. I just seem to have lost the confidence to go and am worrying about stupid little things associated with that which I won't go into, cos it will make me sound like a mad(er) woman.
I think step 1 is to get my butt back down there one evening when I don't have my little person and get back into that routine. It will help with my confidence, that I know, and that is the real issue here.

I shall take a look at the lavender/bach drops too, thank you. :A As it is, I *think* I had more sleep last night, but still woke several times and was awake early.

I know I need to get my head in the right place for YNAB and I'm not there yet, so I will make my focus for now all about eating better. I have actually been trying for the past few days now, I even batch-cooked and made some low fat carbonara for work lunches on Tuesday. Ate it yesterday, and, err, well...... it now seems I can no longer eat pasta - I've always had a slight issue with it. :mad::o

Enough said on the subject, but man, was I bloated and feeling ill last night. I gave the rest of the meals & the dried pasta to the ex last night so as not to waste it!

I have plenty of fruit in for snacks though and signed up to the WW online thingy last night with £10 cashback from quidco (so effectively free this month). Wish me luck, I'll post my results here weekly to keep me spurred on or let you all kick my butt if needed.

I can empathise with the rages too Scuba. I once snapped and shouted really loudly at O and was totally over the top about something minor he had done. His little face was enough to ensure I never do that again. Ever. I felt so awful, and the guilt...

He really is my world. :heart2: He's adorable lately too, he's got back from his week away and won't stop telling me how much he loves me, he is giggly and happy and cuddly, oh how I love him so, he's really helping me get through at the moment.

Anyway, enough drivel from me for now, must go and try and look busy... not easy when there's no work in.

I really can't thank you all enough for posting and for helping me along, you all don't know how much it means and how much strength I draw from you all.

Thank you.

xx

greyfox

Hi,

This may be a stupid suggestion, but have you thought of looking for a lodger - perhaps a Monday-Friday one? Would help with the finances & mean that the house didn't feel quite so empty. I did something similar when I bought my first house (B&B for people coming on training courses) and it was a great help. Met lots of interesting people - including my OH!!

MeandO

It's not a stupid suggestion at all greyfox, thank you.

If it was just me, then I would definitely go for it, but wouldn't really consider it with my 4 year old about.
Thank you though and how lovely you met your OH that way!

xx

Knit_Witch

MeandO wrote: »

It's not a stupid suggestion at all greyfox, thank you.

If it was just me, then I would definitely go for it, but wouldn't really consider it with my 4 year old about.
Thank you though and how lovely you met your OH that way!

xx

Memory Girl has had lodgers even when her youngest was about O's age - (she gets students from the local college I think, a lot end up being like another older brother for R!!!)

MeandO

Thanks Knit Witch, unfortunately it's not something I'd feel comfortable with though, especially after all the recent turmoil he's been through with his Dad moving out.
He is not good with strangers and is extremely shy, but then gets attached to people after a while and gets upset when they're no longer around/on the scene as much, so I wouldn't put him through it.

Keep the suggestions coming though!

xx

plymouthscubagirl

Funny as I'm currently doing it BUT really I'm too neurotic for it I think. I dreamt my foreign student had taken my boy away in the middle of the night, ran downstairs hyper-ventilating to check on him:rotfl: He was of course fine, and our student is like an older brother to him, they both play loads together but I cant relax about the whole thing properly.
On the plus side it has been nice having someone to cook/clean up after again strangely and the extra cash has certainly helped but I'm not sure I'll continue once this one leaves.

MeandO

Yes, I remember you saying you had a student staying with you Scuba.
:eek: to your dream. I would've been a shaking wreck too!
I can safely say that I would be too neurotic too, and that it absolutely wouldn't work for Ds or myself. I'm sure the extra money is a big plus though!

xx