I want to save but my girlfriend wont :(

Mojisola

abes86 wrote: »

Longest story short she blew on one, these are her words,'' im 28 not 50, you are not my dad, if you want to live like a mole then do it but I aint''

So she doesn't want you to behave 'like her Dad' but she does want you to pay all her household expenses while she spends her earnings on herself? Sounds as if she's acting 'like a daughter'!

Give her a day or two to think about it and get some figures down on paper to show the reality of the situation. Give her another chance to behave like an adult who is also a parent of two rather than a teenager. If she doesn't show any sign of compromise, I think there's only one way for you to go.

ViolaLass

I can completely understand that the conversation didn't go well - it will have been a shock for her. She'll need time to think about what you said.

Willowpop

Hi Dave, firstly...I think your girlfriend is right. You are not her dad. Therefore she should not expect you to pay for her bed, board and pocket money. The money you earn is yours to do with as you please. If you want to save some of your salary rather than fund her 5 nights out a month the you are perfectly entitled to do that. If she doesn't like it, tough. She needs to fund her lifestyle with her own money, and of that doesn't add up on a part time wage then she needs to think about either upping her income. If that doesn't work because of having 2 kids then tough, she has to face her responsibilities.
You should be doing what YOU want with YOUR money, and sorting out some kind of financial stability is a perfectly sensible thing to do, I and one that anyone with kids should be thinking about.


Secondly, hello fellow Crohnie! Sucks at times doesn't it? And stress can really make it worse. Don't stress this situation any more than you need to. You're doing the right thing for yourself, your kid and your girlfriend and her other child (thoughwhy you're paying for someone else's kid is beyond me...girlfriend should be getting some kind of support from the biological father).
Look after yourself, and make sure you're happy that if you need time off work with Crohn you canhave it. I'm a wee bit older than you and didn't plan for the future when i was younger, and I SO wish I had done now. I'm having surgery later later this year, surgeons want to operate now but I can't afford to leave my contract early so I'mhaving to wait till the summer. Not fun, I can tell you.

Take care of yourself, yell if you ever want a crohns chat, and do what YOU want to do with your money. Your girlfriend will have to adapt one way or another.

JasX

abes86 wrote: »

but I aint, I wont commit to any saving until im at least 30, if you(me) want to stress about money then fair game, but im not going to make myself ill thinking about that stuff until a few years down the line. Im still young and want to have fun with my friends.

Yeah, perhaps she's not quite worked out that the reason things like house buying, stability etc etc don't happen to people until they are 30 is *not* because they "don't start thinking about these things" until age thirty...

...more they are planned age 23, 24, 25 etc and take 7 odd years to actually happen!

This is before you start to look beyond that at pensions, whether she wants to be peniless in her old age and one of those media stereotypes who need to choose between heating or eating come 65, it's kinda the calls she makes now that lead directly to what happens down the line.

I wonder if she ever talks money with these 'friends' of hers.... and whether they are all as frivilous as she is or maybe one or two of them might actually be on the ball on the finances side.

Pepperoni

How much does your partner get?

I think the best thing to do is treat your money as his / hers. Each pay an amount into the joint account to fund the home / children and then both have pots to do as you wish. You can save yours. She can whiter hers.

You're at locker heads - she wants you to be frivolous, and you want to save. Compromise is middle grounds where you do as you wish and she does the same.

I'm personally not comfortable with that - as then all that is happening is your saving for a house deposit for your home together, whilst she isn't... but then, without being horrible, it may not be her that you end up spending that money to buy a house with in the end.

FatVonD

I agree you need to work out what the household expenses are and then both pay an amount proportionate to your wage towards those bills, ie, if you earn twice what she earns then you pay 66% and her 34%.

I don't think you should do this via a joint account though because, personally, I wouldn't trust her not to run up debt on a joint account once she has less disposable income.

In your position I would divide the bills and you both pay your amount directly and I would make sure that the things that she has to pay for are not things like council tax where the repercussions of falling behind can be serious.

Whatever is left after you have both paid your percentage of the bills is yours to do with what you want, she is free to squander hers, you are free to save yours.

Re not claiming maintenance, there could be many reasons why she doesn't, does the father see the child? (Is there a chance she is claiming and using it to subsidise her part-time wages?) I have never claimed maintenance from my son's dad as any talk of money always brought on an argument and since he had my precious son on alternate weekends I preferred to keep him sweet.

Without wishing to worry you further I do think that whenever you hear about mothers who have had children too young and want to be out living a single lifestyle while some poor sap is sat at home looking after thier kids inevitably it never ends well so start protecting yourself now.

rockm87

Have an account just in your name, purely for rent and bills (you dont want to be financially connected to a ticking debt bomb), as you will be responsible for it, then just ask her to pay into it a set amount each month, and you arrange for the bills to be paid. she can even view the statements as they plop on the doormat....if the mood strikes?!

abes86

Thank all of you so much, as they say

Money can strain and make u sad
Even happy when times are bad,
But dont forget that in the end
Its down to you on how to spend.

Thanks for some great support and suggestions

Mojisola

FatVonD wrote: »

In your position I would divide the bills and you both pay your amount directly

Whatever is left after you have both paid your percentage of the bills is yours to do with what you want, she is free to squander hers, you are free to save yours.

Include debt repayments in the 'bills'.

On_my_way

I hope you are ok - she needs to learn and she may have to learn the hard way.

Whether the biological father sees the child or not is irrelevant - I believe they still have to contribute.

Are you certain that he doesn't pay and that she just doesn't tell you about it so she appears to be poorer than she is?