I want to save but my girlfriend wont :(

Laconic

I hate to say this, but the two of you need couples' counselling a bit more than you need a budget right at this moment. Reason being, if you both feel that you can be listened to, respected and work with good will towards a mutual goal, your money worries are more than manageable; otherwise, they're impossible.

Your situation resonates with me -- growing up, we knew that the day would come when my dad wouldn't be able to work any longer owing to his health and my parents were big on saving. We lived well below our means (it was a bit of a shock to me when I found out how much my dad actually made) and they were keen on having us be as independent as possible. Even so, it was a very bad time when it did come to pass. For yourself, for your family, for your future, you cannot afford not to resolve this issue. You two have to talk and either find a way together or find the least awful way to go your separate ways.

kirstybum

I'm also wondering why all of the debts are in your name and not in hers or joint? This sounds like you're the one struggling with balancing the books and she's off on her jollies being carefree. You definitely need to talk about this, why should you pay everything?

enthusiasticsaver

I definitely feel for you and can see why you are finding things so difficult. Maybe your girlfriend will not claim off the biological father of her first child because she is quite happy with you picking up the tab which is easier for her. Without wanting to make things even more difficult for you, for your own sanity I think you need to set some guidelines down re money as she is definitely being selfish and while I do not know a lot about Crohns, my daughter and son in law suffer with IBS, they are a similar age to you and it is aggravated by stress so this cannot be helping you healthwise.


Before this relationship goes any further, ask her where she sees your relationship going, what hopes does she have for the future - do you want to buy a house together or does she see this also as a waste of money? She certainly seems very immature and I am afraid this is going to come across as very judgemental to have two children from different fathers at the age of 28, one of which has nothing to do with their child is definitely showing her to be irresponsible.


Well done to you for maintaining your own child and helping her with her first but she needs to start taking responsibility for her actions whether it is spending money she doesn't have, paying something towards bills (which you should insist she does) or claiming maintenance for her first child (which you should definitely say she should do). You are in the first stages of adulthood and it is time to grow up - you have shown you are up for it but from what you have told us she needs to step up, accept she is responsible for bringing 2 little people into the world and show she can care for them and less for herself. Having children is the most unselfish thing you can do as you should be putting them first but she does not yet seem to realise this.

abes86

Cant believe how accurate and true all your responses are
Man this is going to be a tough conversation, its hard when you feel so low before talking about sensitive things, i am going to just sit in the corner and cuddle myself for a few hours:(
Its always good to see opinions of others, i cant thank you all enough, just wish the next step was alot easier

Firewalker

Dave, I'll be very honest; blunt in fact. This is a problem that will never go away. You can try and reason but what you describe sounds to me as a very fundamental, coupledom misfit - your girlfriend sounds like a 'taker' and takers continue taking. What you need is a proper partner if you want to win this game of wealth.

So, you have two option: a) you love your girlfriend enough to selfelessly give for the rest of your relationship; b) decide not to do it and test how much she loves you.

Firewalker

Pepperoni

Dave, just keep thinking of your child. That is the most important factor in this. You are preparing for their future and that is a very important and selfless thing to do.

I don't know what your partner is thinking to be honest. You would think with two children she would understand the importance of financial stability.

wishus

Hello. Good luck with all this.

Being solvent with a bit put by is always a good place to be. You never know what's around the corner and you have dependents, so it's even more important.

rockm87

Could you not both contribute to an account for bills etc? I dont know how you do it now.

That way you keep your own money, but are splitting shared expenses equally.

You do need to have a good talk, and test her love. my other half is terrible with money (he's getting better), he used to have a card for our joint account (purely for bills and rent), he used to dip into it for fags or whatever without telling me, so I struggled to budget for these 'surprise' spends. So I called the bank and cancelled the card, he learnt his lesson when he couldnt pay for fags in a shop and the ATM swallowed his card.

He wasnt happy. But he knew it was for the best.

It can be tough, and you will get negative reactions, its hard, but its life, you get over it, and it gets easier. You need to support each other, even if you arent always reading from the same page.

Mojisola

abes86 wrote: »

No she does not have debt,

all debts are in my name

i pay for everything apart from the weekly shop, shes part time and im full time,

were both 28, she does not claim any maintenance for the other child

It's going to be a very difficult discussion but you're the one carrying all the liability and she's living a great life so you're going to have to set out some rules.

I would insist that the expensive nights out stop immediately and the money goes towards the household bills and debts.

You need to start paying off the debts as quickly as you can because if you break up, she'll walk away clear and you'll be paying the debts on your own - spending £250 in one month on jollies when you have debts is ridiculous!

Add up how much money you both bring into the household, including things like child benefit. Deduct all the living expenses and see what's left. Set aside a small amount of 'pocket money' for you both and the rest goes towards paying off the debts.

On_my_way

Have you spoken to her yet?

It sounds like she brushes off financial freedom as a "waste of life" because she has got you paying for everything and doing all the worrying instead of her.

She has got to grow up. She does have debts, but they are in your name because she made sure of it.