I want to save but my girlfriend wont :(

littlemiss_pretty

The sooner you have this conversation the better at least then it will be out in the open and you will know where you stand or even have a future "together". I never used to be good with money and everytime i went out a new outfit was a must but by the time i was 25 and changed. I now save up around 25% of my wages each month and paid for my wedding last year which wasn't a cheap affair.
Stay strong I know it's easier said then done but trust me it will all work out in the end. Good Luck

abes86

Good morning all,
So last night I sat my girlfriend down and we spoke, Let me start by saying it went as well as a chocolate teapot.


I sat her down and said these exact words ''Love I have been thinking a hell of a lot recently about your spending habits and your attitude towards money, I have been thinking about it a lot because as you no, I have had Crohns for 13 years and it wont be long until they decide to get rid of my gut completely and then I will not have any strength to work the hours I do and potentially lose 28k a year or so in wages, I am not using my crohns as an excuse to hopefully change your mind, there are many other problems I have spotted along side this, for instance, everyone likes a night out, I don't stop you and never will, that would be wrong, but I was wandering if we could maybe cut them down a little bit and use that extra income to help the family with stability with buying the house and so forth,I also understand that going out, you like to look good and buy new things, cant we just recycle old and save a little with that also, as you no I cut out my golf, football and many nights out to get my debts paid, and I feel like its 1 sided.''


Ok now long story short this sort of convo went on for 20 mins or so with her getting more and more agitated, I then went on to separate money '' I was also thinking of maybe we have a separate money pot for luxuries that we both contribute through the month, so we can do what we please then with an agreed amount, I do not want to take your social life away, nor do I want to take all your fun, im just hoping we can budget better with these things.


Blah Blah Blah Blah.


Longest story short she blew on one, these are her words,'' im 28 not 50, you are not my dad, if you want to live like a mole then do it but I aint, I wont commit to any saving until im at least 30, if you(me) want to stress about money then fair game, but im not going to make myself ill thinking about that stuff until a few years down the line. Im still young and want to have fun with my friends.''


Anyway it looks like a dead end, im pretty upset as 8 years is a lot to throw away, if I was not depressed before I am now, it feels like its a 1 sided war and there is no end, All I want is a few years of help not a lifetime, seems so hard now, I honestly do not no what to do.


Regards Dave

Pixie5740

:grouphug:

I really don't understand her argument, "she's 28 not 50." Er no love, your a mother of 2 with household debts. Sheesh.

Maybe giver her a day or two to see if what you've said eventually sinks in and try talking to her again. Show her a SOA to demonstrate that you just can't afford the lifestyle she is living.

bouncydog1

Unfortunately no different response to what I expected to hear I'm afraid. Your girlfriend is very selfish and has allowed you to take the place of her dad by supporting her as a parent would a child.

I think you have to show her you mean business and set up your own separate account so that she has no access to your money. She appears to want to live a lifestyle she can't afford, so I would be telling her if that's what she wants then she can fund it.

Sorry to be harsh and I know you have your children to think about, but that's exactly what you are doing - being responsible and thinking about the future. Your girlfriend has helped run up the debts - have you asked her how she intends to repay her share of them?

A few tough choices to be made, but remember that you will have a better life if you start trying to plan and save for your future with no debt. Good luck.

spot3

She doesn't have to commit to saving (although it would make a lot more sense if she would) and I'm not surprised she blew up as it does sound like a very parent-child conversation. What you both could do is work out a budget for shared expenses (together) - household, living and children, work out a pro rata contribution to that so you both pay the same proportion of your income towards that.

You could then both choose to do whatever you wish with the remainder.

I would not react well if someone was telling me what to do, if I was involved in an adult discussion where I was still in control of my portion of the finances I'd get on a lot better, your girlfriend might be similar. I'm guessing this isn't a new situation so while we get to hear your frustration it does sound like you need to change your approach to make progress.

Good luck, I also have Crohns and think your saving plan makes perfect sense.

Laconic

I'm sorry to hear that. I still think that couples' counselling is a good next move, particularly as one thing that's not clear is just what her life's goals, values and ambitions are? From what you're saying, being able to spend and to go out is how she feels not poor, not trapped, not old, not irrelevant. Spending is not the best way to address those concerns, but they do need addressing. It's worth hearing that in a neutral context, picking it apart and finding out if it's in any way compatible with your goals, your values and ambitions?

It might be also that she's worried about both your futures. Not everyone's cut out to support a partner who they *know* will become progressively less able far sooner than would normally be expected: wouldn't make her a bad person, just not a person you can build a life with. At this point, there's no way to tell and yet... you both need to know.

If you can, have a read of this article and see if any of it speaks to you: http://markmanson.net/love#K7yHEn

On_my_way

Hi

It is sad that she reacted like that but, like my ex, she is doing that to control you somewhat.

You have got to make sure that she can't access your money. Does she not realise how much debt and trouble you could be in?

It amazes me how she takes this attitude, she is a Mother and that's a big responsibility that she doesn't take seriously.

You will need to tell her (a lot) that you can't afford things because you can't carry on like you are. You need to clear your debts as they are in your name. She is unlikely to put herself into debt to have what she wants.

She is extremely selfish and needs to grow up.

You have done the right thing - I hope you are ok Dave. Just keep checking back here on the forum often and remember that you will be able to sort this out. She will need to change but that might take time and once you're not paying for everything she will change and she will wise up as I am certain that she won't put herself into debt. Then she will realise.

rockm87

Just leave her a little bit, you may have just 'planted a seed' and after her initial reaction she may calm down.

Sort yourself out, and technically 'cut her off', youve told her your intentions, and now you need to stick to it. Dont fund her life because you feel you have to, make sure your children are catered for and thats it. If she wants that life, she will have to fund it....like a 28 year old.

I moved out when I was 19, and had to work for everything, my home, my social life, clothes everything...I don't buy such a feeble excuse from her.

stay strong. We're here for you.

mc2705

abes86 wrote: »

Anyway it looks like a dead end, im pretty upset as 8 years is a lot to throw away,

It is, but the rest of your life is longer.

She sounds like a very selfish and controlling person to me, it is fine if she still wants to see her friends and go out, but she should not be expecting you to fund her lifestyle.

Hopefully you can sort everything out and be happy, but my advice would be to stop funding her, if she wants to go out she needs to pay for that herself.

Bobarella

So sorry to hear that the conversation didnt go well. I dont understand her outlook. 28 isnt 18. If you were both 18 and having this discussion yes, maybe, but with 2 kids involved? How utterly selfish of her.

I suppose now all you can do is decide whether you want to put up with this situation, or move on. Easier said than done. Good luck to you.