Working away from home and young family

thorsoak

Peter1988 wrote: »

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I've been thinking a lot about getting a dog as we both find them companions and obviously they give you a feeling of protection. It's just whether it's a good idea with 3 children which will be under the age of 5.

PLEASE DON'T! Think about your wife - a new baby, two young children and a puppy! It's just not on - and no good breeder would even consider your family as a suitable home for a puppy - which in effect is a second baby - but one who doesn't wear nappies and will poo and pee all over the place until it is trained - and your wife will already have her hands full!

Wait until baby is ready to start school then reconsider getting a dog!

DevilsAdvocate1

olgadapolga wrote: »

I worked away from home 3-4 days a week for a period of 18 months. My children were then 4, 5 and 10. The plan had been to move to be closer to the new job but we had a house to sell so we decided that I'd start the new job then deal with the house but it didn't work out too well as it took so long to find a buyer.

It impacted on me, as I missed them terribly. I was in a position to be able to ring them 3/4 times a day but it was awful. Just awful. My OH was the one left holding everything together, including comforting me when I was really down about being away and getting the house ready to sell as well as looking after three young children. However, the impact on the children was far worse than anything I could have imagined - I just assumed that as one parent was there, then it would be okay, and I'd call them and see them every few days but I totally underestimated THEIR feelings and emotions. It hurt them, really badly. They missed me and I've only recently found out just how much. The two youngest were worried that I wasn't going to get home again, that something would happen to me on the journey, all sorts of things.

I didn't have to take the job, it was a career/lifestyle choice that my OH and I thought would benefit the whole family but unfortunately it didn't work out like that. It was a period of torment for the children, who would go to bed on the nights I was due home and lie in bed waiting for me to get back, which was often after midnight. They cried themselves to sleep on the nights I left. My youngest wouldn't actually speak to me before I went, which I put down to him being himself but the reality was that it was a defence mechanism to protect himself from further pain of another separation. And that hurt both of us.

I remember getting on the train one evening; they'd come to wave me off and the last thing I heard was them all shouting "PLEASE DON'T GO!" as the train pulled away. And I was stuck on the train. Had I been able to, I'd have got off again. That was the last time I went back as we could see that the hoped-for long-term gain wasn't going to be enough to overcome the damage being done over the short-term.

I learned the hard way. But learn I did - I will never, ever work away from my family again.

I have to say that this is similar to my experience. My husband didn't work away regularly, but there was a spell when my children were 3 and 1 where he had to. The longest he was away was exactly 2 weeks.

My one year old was fine. But my three year old cried himself to sleep every night. He became very clingy during the day and kept asking, over and over and over, when his daddy would be back. I remember thinking that I was so glad it was just a temporary thing and not permanent.

Armchair23

OK maybe not directly relevant, but we had good friends, a couple who had two kids the same age as ours we'd known since birth.

Dad was made redundant then got a really good job offer that meant he was away Mon-Fri. It seemed a godsend, money coming in and he was working again which was a big personal boost for his mental health. But this turned into a thing that went on for years.

He expected to come home and be welcomed like a prodigal son and looked after at weekends. He was disappointed if the kids wanted to go off and do things with friends or school because he wanted to spend time with them.

The Mum & kids had formed a really close working unit to get by without Dad during the week and though they looked forward to seeing him I think they resented him turning up like Santa Claus every Friday expecting them to drop everything.

Eventually the marriage broke down and the son then in his teenage years really has nothing to do with his father, the daughter rinses him for all she can get. He gives her everything financially because he doesn't know how else to relate to her.

Mainly if Mum & Dad had sorted their needs and expectations they could ( however hard it was) have dealt with the kids problems.

Bottom line because Mum & Dad weren't happy with the arrangement they didn't pull together to make it work for the kids.

Moral is, it has to work for you and your partner. If it does you'll both do anything you can to make it good for your kids even if it's a personal struggle for you both at times.

Mostly kid's don't give a monkeys about so many of the things we adults feel we should give them. They do like to see a happy Mum & Dad though.

Tough decision but because you're thinking it through you all stand a good chance of making it work.

Me - 3 kids under 5 on my own ? Absolutely no way under any circumstances you can think of !

meritaten

I would say Try it - for the first six months you say you only have to give a weeks notice.
and make the weekends purely family time. its quality not quantity that counts with kids.
you could also Skype every evening - it will keep you in close contact and the hugs can be promised for weekends.
whatever you decide you sound like a lovely dad! good luck!

Savvy_Sue

We did it for a few months, the boys were older (6, 8 and 10 I guess), and it was complicated by the fact that I was also spending one night a week in a friend's house (with the boys) to keep his insurance valid.

And we were packing up for a house move.

DH was exhausted by it: he had an hour's drive from his weekday 'home' to work, then a couple of hours back to us on Fridays, then up early and two hours to work on Mondays. I know many people do more than this quite regularly, but it didn't suit him.

I did make him do his own laundry while away, the last thing I needed was a week's worth of shirts every Friday night ...

Primrose

I think you need to have an honest talk with your partner about this and whether she will be a good coper alone or not. Only time will tell.

Work out a routine (phone calls, Skype etc ) for keeping in touch.

And do one very practical thing which will help her to feel more confident about coping in your absence with the things you might normally do yourself if you were at home by coaching her in practical things such as

Ensuring she knows where to turn the water off at the mains in the event of a water leak ( and has the contact number for a couple of local plumbers in case of emergency)

She knows how to change a fuse or check which fuse has blown (and a contact number for a local electrician)

That she knows how to change a light bulb, and the battery in the smoke alarm detector, etc

These are all fairly simple things but if she has the confidence of knowing she can cope with basic emergencies when you are away she will probably be happier managing on her own.

Mojisola

Primrose wrote: »

And do one very practical thing which will help her to feel more confident about coping in your absence with the things you might normally do yourself if you were at home by coaching her in practical things such as

Ensuring she knows where to turn the water off at the mains in the event of a water leak ( and has the contact number for a couple of local plumbers in case of emergency)

She knows how to change a fuse or check which fuse has blown (and a contact number for a local electrician)

That she knows how to change a light bulb, and the battery in the smoke alarm detector, etc

These are all fairly simple things but if she has the confidence of knowing she can cope with basic emergencies when you are away she will probably be happier managing on her own.

I start to wonder what century we're in when I read things like this!

Are young women really so helpless?

jackyann

Oh Mojisola! You & I are often on the same page, but I have to say that I agree with Primrose!
Quite probably Ms. Peter'spartner is able to do these things, but I never underestimate the poor knowledge of many young people! And Primrose is simply saying to check.

I know quite a number of young (mostly) women, but some men who really don't know the basics. It astonishes me.

Concentrating on the care & management of 3 small children can sometimes mean that a mum leaves household stuff to her partner.

One of my very capable friends, with a high flying job, was reduced to jelly by a fuse blowing. It was me who had to find the box!

And Peter - better that you check she knows this stuff and gives you "the look" than she rings you up asking where the stopcock is whilst water sprays everywhere!

Mojisola

jackyann wrote: »

Concentrating on the care & management of 3 small children can sometimes mean that a mum leaves household stuff to her partner.

Maybe that's where the problem is - we both did things with the children so that it could have either of us dealing with the household problems.

Savvy_Sue

Primrose wrote: »

And do one very practical thing which will help her to feel more confident about coping in your absence with the things you might normally do yourself if you were at home by coaching her in practical things such as

Ensuring she knows where to turn the water off at the mains in the event of a water leak ( and has the contact number for a couple of local plumbers in case of emergency)

She knows how to change a fuse or check which fuse has blown (and a contact number for a local electrician)

That she knows how to change a light bulb, and the battery in the smoke alarm detector, etc

These are all fairly simple things but if she has the confidence of knowing she can cope with basic emergencies when you are away she will probably be happier managing on her own.

Our modem stopped working the other day, and it was ME who suggested to DH that we should check the fuse in the plug. And these are all things I'd attend to myself, except that now the boys are tall enough I send them up stepladders to do lightbulbs!

Actually these are all things I do quite regularly at work.

Mojisola wrote: »

I start to wonder what century we're in when I read things like this!

Are young women really so helpless?

I was shocked to discover that one of my younger colleagues had absolutely not the first clue how to change a fuse in a plug, or change a plug, or even give a plug a basic visual inspection to ensure it was safe to use. No idea what they taught them at school when she was there, I'm sure my boys learned the basics about electricity if nothing else!