Working away from home and young family

Peter1988

Hello,

I've recently taken on a new job as a Technical Consultant which may require me to be away from home Monday-Friday for up to 4 weeks at a time (possibly longer).

I'm expecting my 3rd child in April and my 2 eldest are 4 and 2 years old.

I'm struggling with the emotion of whether this is actually a selfish career choice which will take away much valued time with my children in the evening, or whether it's the right thing to do to ensure my children's future's and ensure our mortgage and bills are paid for.

Even though it's usually half an hour in the evening and 10 minutes in the morning that I get to see my children during the week, that time and to be able to hug them means a lot.

I try to view it that it's not as difficult as others possibly have it - offshore workers, military personnel, divorcees etc. and is it possibly selfish of me to not try my hardest to secure my children's futures financially and provide them with what they deserve.

I recently came across this list of parents regrets -

1. Working too much
2. Worrying about the little things
3. Not playing with them more
4. Not going on more holidays
5. Not taking enough photos
6. Spending too much time away
7. Not filming enough events or milestones in their lives
8. Not taking them on 'big' holidays such as Disneyland
9. Not encouraging them to take up a/more hobbies
10. Not having a shared hobby
11. Not reading enough to them at bedtime
12. Spending too much time worrying about housework
13. Not taking them swimming more
14. Not letting them take part in messy activities more often
15. Not teaching them to swim earlier
16. Not being at some of the milestones in their life
17. Not making enough of Christmas/birthdays with them
18. Being too over-protective
19. Always waiting for the next milestone instead of enjoying the current one
20. Not enjoying days out more

I just wonder whether some of those in that list are actually emotions which would be felt regardless of how much time is spent with your children. for example if a family member passes, because you spent more time with them it doesn't mean you'll find it easier or miss them less.

There are certainly items from that list which I can take and improve on, but on the whole I dedicate my free time to my children and enjoy it immensely and when I have had to go away for work in the past, I miss them hugely.


What I was looking for from this post was some feedback perhaps from those in a similar situation or those who's children are now grown up and are able to view it looking back. I'm finding it difficult to put in to perspective and actually feel guilty at the moment at the thought of not being at home - being the provider, father, protector etc.

I'm 26 years old and do have the flexibility to change my career to perhaps something which is based on a fixed site, but this would mean taking a pay cut and more importantly remove some potentially great future prospects.

Thanks in advance

Mojisola

My OH was away Monday to Friday for months at a time when the children were little.

We made it work by making sure that (almost) everything in the house was dealt with during the week so that weekends were family time.

Looking back, our kids probably spent more time with us doing interesting things than their friends did who had both parents at home all week. (And the 'interesting things' could be anything from going out somewhere special to just playing at home but they had our time and attention).

sophietb

What does your partner think? My partner was away during the week when mine were 4 and 1. After 18 months I could no longer cope with being a lone parent ( think close to breakdown rather than a few tears). Think not just of your children but of your partner.

Northern78

My DH is away most of the time, shortest time away from home Sunday to Friday, longest 6 months and everything in between. We have a DS who's 3 today and a DD who's 12 weeks today.

He's Forces and although it's not ideal, it's a job that pays a decent wage and means we can afford holidays abroad, treats etc. Yes he misses time with then, he misses things like birthdays today! BUT it's not forever.

He makes the most of the time he's home and we just get on with it.

I find it hard, I live the life of a single parent. Once the kids are in bed my life is confined to the house. I miss out an a lot of social events with friends but again it won't be forever and it means we'll be in a better position financially than a lot of others.

jackyann

Don't take any notice of that long list, which makes decent parents feel guilty and is of no practical use.

I agree that the only real answer is a good talk with your partner. I have been close to people who have done this. Here are the list headings:

1. practicalities of the kids' relationship with you: routine contact, skypes etc.
2. other support for your partner: family, friends etc.
3. "couple time" how to organise some space for the two of you
3. Household chores & responsibilities: how to divide them up (these days, you could do bills & stuff on-line) and can you get help in so that weekends aren't taken up with household stuff
4. escape plan
5. set a time-scale

A very experienced psychologist, who had worked a lot with military families (in fact, had war-time experience) told me that children fared better with an absent father who had them in mind, rather than a present father who didn't.
My own observations suggest the following:
that you & your partner need to be organised & committed
explain to the children why this is happening, and express your wish that it was otherwise (and find books & films that help)

good luck

Peter1988

sophietb wrote: »

What does your partner think? My partner was away during the week when mine were 4 and 1. After 18 months I could no longer cope with being a lone parent ( think close to breakdown rather than a few tears). Think not just of your children but of your partner.

To be honest my partner is fine with it, but that's of course before we've been through it. Whenever I have to go away I always feel like I'm letting her down by not being there.

The only reason I didn't mention my partner in the original post was because she's been so understanding and assuring me that everything is ok at home when I go away.

The flip side of potentially having to go away often is that there will equally be periods where I am at home all week - training or remotely completing works etc.

The good thing is the first 6 months of employment are based on a 1 week notice period.

gettingtheresometime

When our son was about 6/7 OH used to work away for a couple of days at a time.

I didn't mind him working away but what really got my goat was when he came home and 'take over' especially if there had been a mini crisis whilst he was away.

I'm assuming you knew about the travel when you took the job so did these things not cross your mind - this is not a criticism just genuinely interested why these questions are only now being raised

balletshoes

I think Monday-Friday away is doable, as long as you are all committed to spending quality time together as a family when you're home.

We've gone through lots of variations of work patterns during our 13-year marriage, I've always done school hours working, my OH is a chef so he's done split-shift, evenings and weekends only, away 5 days and home for 2, even away for 4 weeks and home for one.

What we have chosen to do is keep our DD's home, school and social life as stable as we possibly can, from an early age we encouraged her to have phone conversations with Dad, wherever he was, so that she feels he's available if she needs/wants him.

I'm not going to say its all a bed of roses, but it needn't be a negative experience. You as parents and partners need to both be sure you're okay with it.

Peter1988

jackyann wrote: »

Don't take any notice of that long list, which makes decent parents feel guilty and is of no practical use.

I agree that the only real answer is a good talk with your partner. I have been close to people who have done this. Here are the list headings:

1. practicalities of the kids' relationship with you: routine contact, skypes etc.
2. other support for your partner: family, friends etc.
3. "couple time" how to organise some space for the two of you
3. Household chores & responsibilities: how to divide them up (these days, you could do bills & stuff on-line) and can you get help in so that weekends aren't taken up with household stuff
4. escape plan
5. set a time-scale

A very experienced psychologist, who had worked a lot with military families (in fact, had war-time experience) told me that children fared better with an absent father who had them in mind, rather than a present father who didn't.
My own observations suggest the following:
that you & your partner need to be organised & committed
explain to the children why this is happening, and express your wish that it was otherwise (and find books & films that help)

good luck

Thanks very much for your comments, I've never felt such love as I do for my children, they really pull at your heart strings. As much as I'd of course love to be with them 24/7 and not have to work, it just isn't realistic.

The industry I am in, if I take a step back, in a few years time there won't be a requirement for such on site people and consultancy really is the way forward.

I'm hopeful there will be a lot of consultancy work put my way within London as that is very much an easy commute for me and would allow me to see family every day.

who knows, maybe my partner really doesn't miss having pants left on the bathroom floor after showers!

balletshoes

Peter1988 wrote: »

To be honest my partner is fine with it, but that's of course before we've been through it. Whenever I have to go away I always feel like I'm letting her down by not being there.

The only reason I didn't mention my partner in the original post was because she's been so understanding and assuring me that everything is ok at home when I go away.

The flip side of potentially having to go away often is that there will equally be periods where I am at home all week - training or remotely completing works etc.

The good thing is the first 6 months of employment are based on a 1 week notice period.

Hmm - I will say this, because I can't rely on my OH to do stuff at home because he's not here, I don't rely on him, I do it/arrange it to be done myself. Would you be okay with that - your OH managing perfectly well with all aspect of home while you're away?

Peter1988

gettingtheresometime wrote: »

When our son was about 6/7 OH used to work away for a couple of days at a time.

I didn't mind him working away but what really got my goat was when he came home and 'take over' especially if there had been a mini crisis whilst he was away.

I'm assuming you knew about the travel when you took the job so did these things not cross your mind - this is not a criticism just genuinely interested why these questions are only now being raised

Yeah, the business has regional premises so there was an assumption and guidance that wherever possible, south work in the south and north in the north etc.

London has a huge customer base for IT consultancy so it was portrayed as being more of a stand in weeks away here and there as opposed to the main business area.

I think there's also a slight realisation having been told I definitely am going away for 4 weeks imminently than when you're told it 'might' happen.

Perhaps it wasn't the best time to make a job move with a 3rd child due, but equally we need new cars both for myself and my partner capable of comfortably fitting 3 car seats and the pay rise will enable this.

I am hopeful the split will be reasonable between working away, working in a commutable area and working from home.

It's certainly not easy getting the balance right within families - partners spending time together, children time, own time, work time etc.

I've been thinking a lot about getting a dog as we both find them companions and obviously they give you a feeling of protection. It's just whether it's a good idea with 3 children which will be under the age of 5.