Working away from home and young family

Peter1988

balletshoes wrote: »

Hmm - I will say this, because I can't rely on my OH to do stuff at home because he's not here, I don't rely on him, I do it/arrange it to be done myself. Would you be okay with that - your OH managing perfectly well with all aspect of home while you're away?

Oh yeah absolutely, if I were to be able to have reassurance that when I'm away my partner really is managing and happy, that would lift a huge weight off my shoulders, it really would.

gettingtheresometime

Peter1988 wrote: »

I've been thinking a lot about getting a dog as we both find them companions and obviously they give you a feeling of protection. It's just whether it's a good idea with 3 children which will be under the age of 5.

oh good Lord don't.

I know I wouldn't have thanked my Oh for getting a dog and I only had one child, let alone 3 under 5.

If you're concerned about security get a ruddy good alarm that you can use when you're upstairs

olgadapolga

I worked away from home 3-4 days a week for a period of 18 months. My children were then 4, 5 and 10. The plan had been to move to be closer to the new job but we had a house to sell so we decided that I'd start the new job then deal with the house but it didn't work out too well as it took so long to find a buyer.

It impacted on me, as I missed them terribly. I was in a position to be able to ring them 3/4 times a day but it was awful. Just awful. My OH was the one left holding everything together, including comforting me when I was really down about being away and getting the house ready to sell as well as looking after three young children. However, the impact on the children was far worse than anything I could have imagined - I just assumed that as one parent was there, then it would be okay, and I'd call them and see them every few days but I totally underestimated THEIR feelings and emotions. It hurt them, really badly. They missed me and I've only recently found out just how much. The two youngest were worried that I wasn't going to get home again, that something would happen to me on the journey, all sorts of things.

I didn't have to take the job, it was a career/lifestyle choice that my OH and I thought would benefit the whole family but unfortunately it didn't work out like that. It was a period of torment for the children, who would go to bed on the nights I was due home and lie in bed waiting for me to get back, which was often after midnight. They cried themselves to sleep on the nights I left. My youngest wouldn't actually speak to me before I went, which I put down to him being himself but the reality was that it was a defence mechanism to protect himself from further pain of another separation. And that hurt both of us.

I remember getting on the train one evening; they'd come to wave me off and the last thing I heard was them all shouting "PLEASE DON'T GO!" as the train pulled away. And I was stuck on the train. Had I been able to, I'd have got off again. That was the last time I went back as we could see that the hoped-for long-term gain wasn't going to be enough to overcome the damage being done over the short-term.

I learned the hard way. But learn I did - I will never, ever work away from my family again.

Happier_Me

We have never been in this position so I can't really comment from personal experience as such. However, my DH did work long hours Monday to Friday when the kids were young (7am to 7pm) plus Saturday mornings, so he didn't physically see the children at all during the week because of their bedtime routine.

The kids were not affected by this, it was normal not to see Daddy until Saturday afternoon!

I would say I struggled with managing the children, a dog (please don't get one until they are older), the house and holding down a stressful job (I'm an Accountant) during this time. DH wasn't earning 'big' money at all and with his skills and experience he could have moved jobs to one that was more 'family friendly'. But he loves what he does so much he is still there and I would not have wanted him to move jobs to find he hated it (been there done that myself!). Kids are older now and spend time with him in the evenings.

I don't think you will know how this will work out until you try it.

I would spend some time with your planning how you will both manage your time during the week and weekend. The biggest concern would be the few months after baby number 3 arrives - what other support has your wife got to cope with the additional stress of sleepless nights and looking after a newborn?

Try to stay positive - if you go into this thinking it isn't going to work then it probably won't.

I would certainly aim to skype every night for 30 mins or so. You could even read a bedtime story to your kids this way!

And finally devise an exit strategy so you have a plan in your head to change things if this really doesn't work.

Good luck!

tea_lover

Just a slightly different perspective.... it's not quite the same but when I was little my Dad worked stupidly long shifts and we hardly ever saw him. Technically we all lived in the same house, but because of his work we often wouldn't see him for a week or so.

My memories of him from childhood are being so excited when he was there, and absolutely loving times like christmas and holidays when we were all together. I certainly never felt abandoned or neglected, and I think even at a young age I could appreciate that he worked a lot because he loved us and was providing for us.

I'm now 36, and my sister is 40. We're both really close to both our parents (still holiday together, see each other most weekends, etc). I had a lovely childhood, and thanks to my dad's hard work (and my mum's work at home of course) I was given opportunities such as financial support at uni.

The point of this huge waffle (sorry!) was to say that you can be a great dad, even if you're working away sometimes. In some ways it can help focus the mind, so you make the most of the time you are at home.

I hope you and your OH find a solution that works for you all... and good luck with the new baby

trailingspouse

When mine were little, OH#1 worked away - first it was Monday to Friday for 6 months, then it was 3 days away every couple of weeks.

These days it's easier - Skype is wonderful.

I was perfectly capable of running the show while OH was away, but I found that when he was home I slept! Many's a Sunday afternoon I slept on the couch while he played with the kids. I guess I was able to relax knowing there was another parent in the house, so I didn't have to be 'on guard' all the time.

We got in to quite a good routine - if there were any jobs that I needed him to do, I would make a list through the week, and we'd get them sorted at the weekend. I made sure that things that we used to do at the weekend (like the big weekly shop) were done during the week, which freed up more family time.

I would also suggest you try to have some couple time - Saturday night is best, as Friday you're too cream crackered, and Sunday you're starting to think about Monday again. Go out, or just have a glass of wine, switch the telly off, and talk to each other.

OH#2 also works away a lot (I know how to pick 'em!), and I had to move house while he was away a couple of years ago. We would normally have discussed everything together, but as he was away for months at a time I asked him how he would feel, as I simply wouldn't be able to discuss all the fine detail with him. Sometimes decisions just need to be made on the spot. He was fine, of course - but I think it's a discussion that still needs to be had. And with the internet, he could still have an input - he would look at curtains or bathroom suites or wallpaper online then e-mail me from his hotel in India with his ideas!

By the way OH#2 is a consultant - he's been doing it for 8 years now, never looked back. It works if you and your spouse approach it as a team.

Bean83

I thought I might give a different perspective - I'm now in my thirties, but when I was little, my dad worked away Mon-Fri for pretty much my entire childhood. Here are my thoughts:


1) My mum didn't have a job. I think this made a huge difference as she was always there at home for us - if she'd worked too it would have been much harder
2) I missed my dad a lot, particularly on birthdays and things like parent's evening as he was never there
3) Friday nights were the best - he always, without fail, brought us home a present. It was only ever something small, but it was the highlight of my week! I still have some of the silly toys he bought for me and souvenirs from whenever he went abroad
4) Mum found it really hard. She was basically a single parent, as she had to deal with everything - kids, house, finances etc.
5) I used to crave time with my dad at the weekends, so used to pretend to be into all the things he liked just so we could spend time together!
6) We always took a 2 week holiday in the summer, which was really important to me as we got to spend so much time together. A week didn't seem long enough but 2 weeks felt really luxurious to have dad around so much!


Looking back, I don't think it did me any harm; I have a very good relationship with my dad and I always understood that he did it so that we could afford to do nice things. I do remember occasionally as a child getting upset at night when he wasn't there - this was in the days before Skype/mobile phones, so if he didn't ring one evening I would get worried that something had happened to him.


Overall, I think if financially it is the right thing to do for your family then you can make it work, but I don't think you'll ever be able to stop feeling guilty about it!

enginesuck

Its tough initially especially with young ones and a lot will depend on your partners personality and resourcefulness. A "needy" wife/partner in these situations becomes a living nightmare- ive seen it with colleagues. From a selfish point of veiw when working away you need to know your partner and children are safe and have everything they need to get by.

I was in the military and Spent 11 months out of my last 18Months service in Afghanistan, my kids were 5&3 at the time - i regret that time I missed. I think it may have affected my relationship with my daughter to some extent - i think i making up for it now but it just wasnt the same as the relationship i had with my son at that age. I do blame the time away.

Now I work offshore and spend up to 2 weeks away at a time (more likely to be 7-10 days) BUT i also have 2 weeks off a month and that really is the best part of the job. During those 2 weeks im doing the school run, taking the kids to their activities after school, helping with homework and weekend outingas as a family - i would say i have more quality time now than i would on a Mon-Fri job.

Here are some positives and negatives in my opinion

Positives

-Long periods at home with the ability to do everything with them
-Money is great.
-Coming home is like Christmas Eve - every time !

Negatives

-Not being always to be there for birthdays(although can be mitigated with careful holiday planning - sometimes!)
-Limits the jobs my wife can do (I cannot be relied on to be there for childcare)
-I miss them terribly when away

So really its up to you - ive been lucky because my wife is incredibly strong and independant.

Whatever you decide all the best

farmerboy

I work away all week leaving around teatime on a Saturday and getting back around 6am on a Friday. My OH and I have no problems as I have done this for the majority of our relationship. My DD has gotten used to it as time has gone on, we skype everyday that I am away, this has made it a lot better for all of us.

What we do do is spend as much quality time as we can together on my time off, and not necesarily going out, today we're doing some technic lego that she has had.

One thing that makes it easier is the co that I work for, and the team that I am part of is very family orientated. Your famly comes first over any work, an example is last week DD had her appendix out on Saturday, 1 call and I was off Saturday night even though it left them short manned for a job. Also a collegues father took ill on Wednesday, and same again he was packed straight off home and we covered. This makes being away alot easier.

Jagraf

I think as parents we are all made to feel guilty whatever we do. SAHM, working parents, all our kids are doomed because of our choices!

Much parenting is 'selfish', eg, its us who want to be with our kids, its us who feel we will miss out.

In my opinion, kids are versatile, they just want love. They just want the wings to fly, and they just need to feel secure. So, from that perspective, they will be fine as you obviously love them dearly.

As I always believe, quality time means different things to different people - parents may be at home but not actually spending any time with their kids.

My only concern would be your OH. That's more difficult. Spending all day with no adult company is difficult. Personally if you could afford some private nursery care, say mornings, this would give your oh time for a break or to catch up with friends (that's what I did).