Working away from home and young family

ALI1973

Here's my two penneth:

My father was at home all the time (disabled), but he was very selfish in his ways and never really interacted with us as children other than to criticize or make demands (he saw himself as being the "king" of the home iyswim) I loved him but had no respect for him. So for me, it is the quality of your time not your quantity.

My DH worked for 18 months Mon-Fri away from home, I had a 2yo, 6yo and 8yo. It was hard going for both of us, what we did to make things easier (I am an anxious person) was to make sure we had things in place should incidents arise ie. we had a new alarm fitted, I had a new car, we took out insurance to cover the boiler and heating etc. I have a file with it all in so it was easy to access. I was also working part-time. I tried to ensure everything was done during the week, so that the weekend was quality time, however, there were weeks when the minute he walked through the door, I held my hands up in surrender and left him to the lot! - the house was really clean, tidy and organised though

I would be lieing if I said it was easy, it was damned hard, and although if we HAD to I would do it again, I doubt it would be a choice.

For DH, he was really lonely, after the first 6 months, he rented a room in a shared house. For him, he missed the routine of the family, silly things like snacking (he says its just not the same), missing out on parents evenings, having a hug after a tough day, you get the drift.

I asked him if he would do it again, he said yes if it meant a significant financial difference, and he knew it wouldn't be permanent.

it sounds like you have a great support in your DW, I wish you the best of luck.

throwa

From what it's worth, my dad was out of the house 7am to 7pm (past bedtime until we were about 7/8 ish) when we were young, and mum pretty much ran the house in the week. We made a point of having one family day (outing, games, bike rides etc) at the weekend to spend the time together then.

Today, I (female) have a boy (6) and a girl (2). I again am out of the house 7 - 7, sometimes I make it home for bath / books / bed, sometimes I don't. The children have grown up with this and find it normal. The flip side of this means that my OH is able to work part time self employed from home, and to do the school / nursery runs, the homework, the afterschool activities, playdates etc. He also makes sure the shopping, measuring for shoes etc is all done in the week so that we get family time at the weekends. It also helps (?) that my kids wake up stupidly early at 5.30 ish each day, so I get the delights of them waking me up and breakfast.

What I'm trying to say is that if the structure and schedule can be held down by the other partner it will work - children are remarkably flexible if that's what's 'normal' for them. Yes I would love to have more time with them - but I can't, financially this is by far the best option for us and I just enjoy the time I do have with them at the weekends.

Mojisola

ALI1973 wrote: »

For DH, he was really lonely, after the first 6 months, he rented a room in a shared house. For him, he missed the routine of the family, silly things like snacking (he says its just not the same), missing out on parents evenings, having a hug after a tough day, you get the drift.

This aspect is really important - it can be very hard on the parent who has to live away. Life goes on much as normal in the family home but the working-away parent is suddenly living like a single person but without the social group a single person would have.

My OH used to work silly hours just so he wasn't sitting back in his room in a shared house feeling lonely.

Jagraf

Mojisola wrote: »

This aspect is really important - it can be very hard on the parent who has to live away. Life goes on much as normal in the family home but the working-away parent is suddenly living like a single person but without the social group a single person would have.

My OH used to work silly hours just so he wasn't sitting back in his room in a shared house feeling lonely.

My dad did that, in fact, his work was flexible enough that crammed 5 days into 4.

jackomdj

My OH has worked away to various degrees since the children were born. The longest being 6 weeks away 2 home, then home Friday night back to the airport Sunday night, odd nights away, long days getting home after bedtime and home every night.

It is what you make it. The children and I coped fine, I am capable of running the house without him.

The only negative i would say is the children rely upon me more than him. They can go into a room to ask where I am, then come upstairs to ask me if I can help with something their dad is more than capable of helping with. Or if they are ill/hurt/upset it is me they want rather than their Dad, which can be upsetting for him.

Similar to another poster my Dad worked away in the navy when I was young. I can't remembered him being away, but have memories of him getting home. I don't feel as if I missed out or had a lesser relationship with him because of that. (I am closer to him than my Mum)

DigForVictory

Abandon that list - it'll only gnaw at you when you're away.

Set up as much as possible to happen without interference - insurance on boiler/central heating etc.

Do Not Get A Dog. Three children are enough.

Within reason, be Absolutely Unreasonable about holidays. If it's half term & the fun starts as soon as you get back in at 8, don't touch a job that "might run on a bit" but hand it on to a colleague. Be back prompt, yes, but keep your word to your family that you will be back at X whenever possible.

Skype nightly if your family want you to, or on high days & feast days when they've news for you or something to show off to you.

Take leave to get to school shows. (Or to recover having shot there & back.)

Ask your beloved OH (who shows impressive courage, nerve & sense) to email you so you are both "on the same page" regarding bedtime, TV shows, nail polish, tattoos, music after school etc etc. Do not let a job lead to divisions in parental authority - that way lies unhappy children & eventually divorce.

Finally, set a time limit on it. Grab all the money going for a few years & then stop. If this means less money later on, ow but really - make a choice & stick to it. Teens do a better with as stable a family home as you can give them. Toddlers are more flexible.

Have an emergency clause - if a child or OH has to go to hospital, all work bets are off. OH may be a saint, but she can still only be in one place at a time. Most jobs accept emergencies. Just nail yours into your contract. Advise extended families of this - so there are grandparents & uncles & aunts who realise that they may be pleaded with to cover for you and your job if anything goes sideways.

Best of luck with it.

Mrs_Imp

Be prapared for your wife to be ever so slightly frazzled when you get back. Bring her wine/flowers.

Your children may refuse to speak to you during the week. My son likes to pretend that Daddy isn't really away and part of that is not speaking on the phone/skype. They always get over-excited when he comes home, so see if you can get back in plenty of time for them to calm down before bed.

Make sure your wife has something to do in the evenings. It can get very lonely stuck at home, not able to get out, and with no adult company.

I didn't like it at first, but once the bedtime routine was sorted I found that I could manage most days as I knew that I would have my evening (even if it was a bit boring just watching tv).

What DFV said about people to help in an emergency. I didn't do this until I had to take eldest to the hospital and I was frantically ringing around for transport and a babysitter for youngest.

getmore4less

Don't rule out them going with you if the trips are extended especialy if you go to the same place more than once.

If you are Mon to Friday and a commute that can really eat into time and be incredibly tiring over a few weeks so do it the other way.

Some places it may make sence for the family to come up for a long weekend or even longer for a "holiday".

It might need some creative planning with accomodation and needs to be an area where there are things for mum and kids to do during the day.

Worked great for us(no kids though) when I was working in Glasgow the OH would come up for a very long week with 2 full weekends rather than me going down home(near London) late friday night and leaving at silly o'clock Mon Morning.

FBaby

If you are going to look at it from a regrets point of view, I think you need to look at it from a what parents would do twice again if given the chance.

You can have some regrets but these being outweigh from the benefits that were gain by the choice that was made.

GwylimT

My wife works away 3/4 days a week depending on her work load, she has done since before our two youngest were born and returned to work when they were botj six weeks old as we both work part time so we didn't need parental leave as we didn't need childcare.

If she worked closer they would both be asleep when she got home in the evening so it would make absolutely no difference to our children. It does however give us both days where we can do whatever we like without being moaned at.