I need advice on mil and husband?

HelpNeeded15

z.n wrote: »

Hi OP- a different perspective which may be well off target. But ....

You sound like a fantastic Mum and I bet your two boys are doing just great. You also sound like someone who likes to get along with other people without too much drama. Your focus on your family and building a happy home suggest these are your priorities and that you can compromise on your own wants (not needs) to keep the ship sailing. You don't like drugs and feel you are entitled to respect and care from your loved ones. You want the best for your family, but do not feel the need to control everything they do. You don't want to be mean or unkind to anyone.

Sorry for the long list and possible assumptions made. One more assumption- your MIL is the exact opposite of you on all these.

Ultimately that is probably why your DH picked you. She sounds a bit unstable frankly and your DH is probably looking for 'normal.'

Unlike some of the other posters I would be very wary of allowing MIL to babysit and indeed would reduce contact as much as socially possible. If she wants to see you or the children let her come round at a mutually agreed time (eg lunch) to see you all as a family. If you don't push for it you will not have to make an issue out of it as it sounds like she will not make the effort herself. You cannot change who she is by trying to be nicer to her- your duty is to your family and especially your children. If having her around stresses you out, that stresses the children and makes arguments between you and hubby. Not good.

Don't bad-mouth her to her son. She is his mother and it sounds like their relationship is not straightforward. It may be that some damage has been done and that talking it through with a therapist would be a good idea- either together or for your hubby. He may need to wean himself away over time- it is very hard giving up on the idea of a loving mum/grandma.

Google narcissistic mother- it may ring some bells.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

As it's my bday I thought I'm not the bad one here! The invite has been given however future girly gathering with my close friends should and I hope stay like that. Who wants to be out with their mum or mil every time they want to go out?

I do my best as I too had a really tough up bringing but I chose to be a good mum, theirs no handbook but I do what I think a mother should do.

If anything, after my posting I have realised he does know what she's like and I don't feel the need to highlight it anymore. I'm backing off and all I want to concentrate on is him and our children and a couple times a month having a girly night out and enjoying life!
Will be booking a holiday this year too, we deserve a break.

I'm feeling a lot better about myself too, I since sat down with my friends who were there for me through the whole ordeal and their reaction is she's been like jackle n Hyde, be polite like I have done and be happy, and if she's got issues with you she will get bored if she's playing any games.

It's been a tricky one tbh, I loved her so much and was totally crushed, I've had to build up my self, trust hubby again and put barriers up.

Thank you x

HelpNeeded15

Wow I've just read all that article and forwarded it to my mum and we are stunned. This is it and I've found the answer!
http://www.narcissisticmother.com/narcissistic-mother-in-law
Now I've got to educate myself on how to deal with this!!!

Thank you x