I need advice on mil and husband?

HelpNeeded15

Hi I've made a new user name to protect my identity.

I'm after some advice on both mil and hubby, as he may or may not be oblivious to how she acts.

We've been together for nearly 10 years, we were young I 19 he 17 at the time. After 5-6 months of being together I moved in with him and how mum.
I was a lodger at the time and could look after myself and had a job etc.

Anyway everything was great!!! We were like best friends, she was like a mum to me/friend.
Anyway fast forward two ish years, We rented our own property as his mum was losing the house as she couldn't afford the mortgage and his grandad said we were old enough to now sort ourselves out. She had two younger children as well.
9 months later had our son, any arguments me and dh had at the time she had to say "you got together too young and had a child" she said this last year to me and him but il get too that!!

Anyway we've grown together and five years after we had him we had another son and it was such a happy time. Me n mil got on really well we would go shopping together and to be honest I'd do more with her than my own mum and now I think that was a big mistake?

In 2013 a year after me n hubby got married, had our son and bought our own property together he did something stupid, he took steroids and we ewe like two different people.
To cut the long story short he left a needle lid lying on the bathroom floor and I went bonkers as ds2 at the time was 1 and crawling and we lived in a flat! Could have chocked on this if I hadn't of seen it and that's how I found out he was doing it, I then proceeded to find needles n viles on to of our wardrobe!
I called husband and went mad! I told him I knew something was wrong because he was argumentative, hot headed and basically came n went as he pleased n treated the house like a b&m and me and the boys like nothing. I'd want to take the kids to the park at say 1 and he'd not show up till half past cause he was too busy talking to his juice head mates at the gym.
Anyway I told him I would leave him if he didn't stop taking it as it was affecting me n the kids and his new behaviour was upsetting us.
He decided to tell me I can't tell him what to do and it was over! To accept it!
I heard this for two weeks from him not getting anywhere with him and no reasoning.
His mum came to see me n the kids and as she was close to me I wanted to voice my concerns, I got out all the viles and nearly 200-250 needles I found her reaction was "I'm not shocked at all but I'm not happy it's around the kids" . I was screaming inside! And I said if this was my son I would be giving him the riot act injecting carp into his system and wrecking his family/marriage.
Anyway he lived with her two months and finally came back, I re educated my self and spoke to other bodybuilders about steroids so I was prepared for the drama from the withdrawal or come down after taking them such, as the big depression he hit a month after.
His mum the whole time he was at hers didn't talk about the problem and repeatedly put things on fb such as. "Love having my family under one roof" very hurtful to me and the boys.
At first she told me he's not happy move on so I told her she was deluded as we'd bought a house together not even 4 months previous!!!

Fast forward to now, she doesn't visit or hardly come to see the home we've built together and when she has she says nothing about how nice it looks and we've had lots of compliments off other people, it's like she tries to avid coming around.

Is this cause she lost her house, and now in council rented and has gotten jealous? I don't turn my nose up as we've lived in council but I don't think we are better than anyone else. We are proud we managed to buy in the middle of a recession and grafted for our future.

She nicks our friends!
Hubby just says I'm not bothered or leave her to it?
Last year she and her partner have started going around to hubby's best mans house and his partners for tea!? She sees them more and they live two towns away, we live four streets away!

And more recently hubby got in contact with an old school friend and has become good friends and I have his girlfriend, we've had a couple of nights out together and now have a holiday planned together which is great! We are all the same age roughly and have got two boys each and they get on fab!! We also live one street away.
Found out the other day
She's invited us and them to a night out? Like some couples date night thing which in y head is what friends do and not necessarily with your mil? Just recently our friend has said they feel awkward as mil and her partner have invited them around for dinner? Not us. Well we haven't had dinner at theirs for three years.

I said to hubby this is weird behaviour as she is in her 40's.
However I feel sorry for my hubby as he is great mates with her fella who is in his late 30's and invites him out to the pub along with his friend.
It feels like she wants to be involved in everything? I just want us to have our own social circle and family is sort of seperate from that.
She mummy's him as well, "mumzy loves you lots son" on his fb and infront of everyone.

She had him young and always states he is her best friend and they've gone through a lot together? And he's her rock? He's admitted he's been there not as support but because he lived with her?! She was abused by her ex and basically dh just lived there he didn't do anything as he was too young to help.

I just don't get it, I don't know if she actually likes me or tolerates me.
I need advise on how to deal with her, or talk to my hubby as he either says leave it it's nothing I don't know why it's bothering you? Or just leave it and keep her separate from my life and just see her as mil and nothing more and nothing less.

It's hard because we were so close for years and basically didn't give me the time of day when her son went stupid and put himself first and didnt sort him out.

Shes in a constant mid life crisis, all my hubby knows is evey guy she's been with she's kicked them out cause she's not happy, parties, falls out with family members because she won't reason with anybody, she's stubborn, hot headed so can't talk to her? and she allows her kids to do what they want and no boundaries.
When I first got with hubby his brother who was then four would go missing and not know where he was? She would say if he's not back in an hour we will look for him, still the case now !! And was the case with hubby when little.
I don't believe her parenting skills n judgment to be very good but I don't tell her that. Hubby has in the past and told her she was carp lol and he wouldn't dream of letting our two kg out on their Own etc,

It's only recently she's started talking to me and not being awkward with me.
She's gone two months not seeing the boys and still my hubby says hardly anything and she rings him nearly everyday!!! Sometimes she says "give the boys a cuddle for me" He has said at times "come n do it yourself?" lol but she makes excuses up? Like she's turned or due gas to go somewhere?

Sorry it's long winded, as you can see their is a lot of history.
I don't want stupid family members getting in the way of our happiness. What's right or wrong cause I don't know anymore?

Thank you in advanced and sorry about any misspelling or grammar.


Is it me being silly?
Is it her trying to play games? I don't want to play games I just want to be happy!
Do I tell hubby about things? Or do I just ignore them and hope he pipes up himself ?

He knows he did wrong by taking steroids and admitted it messed his head up and it's took a looooooong time for me to forgive him, he's repeatedly said he's sorry and he's been off them ever since, I know too much about steroids to know if he was doing it again.

He says I nag? I call it being honest.

Lately we issued a rota for helping with kids and around the house as before I did everything and I refuse to mother him and want him to be a man.
So now I let him make his own sandwhich and iron his shirts for work. I believe mariiage and family is teamwork and makes a happy home.

Lately he forgotten his chores (steam mop and load dishwahsher every evening) I remind him kindly and he flips saying I'm a nag and then forgets again?

A family members advise for a happy long marriage of 50+ years was put up and shut up! But I don't think that is fair?

Pollycat

I read this soon after you posted.

I noticed just now that 211 people have read your post but you've had no replies.

TBH, I think your post is too long and rambling to make much sense of.

Sorry, I don't mean to offend but I wouldn't know where to start with a reply.

Good luck.

dragonette

I agree with Pollycat - the post is very long and difficult to read.

I'm not sure why you care about what your MiL is doing now, maybe you used to be close but why should you have to be now? She is missing out on seeing her grandchildren, but as long as the children aren't hugely affected by it, why does it matter?

I have no idea on whats going on between you and your husband, from the post it sounds like the two of you have issues communicating your emotions.

I know this isn't a very helpful comment, but I'm afraid it was the best I could do!

fairy_lights

HelpNeeded15 wrote: »

A family members advise for a happy long marriage of 50+ years was put up and shut up! But I don't think that is fair?

Terrible advice! putting up and shutting up might guarantee you a long marriage but I doubt it will be a happy one.
What is it that's troubling you most, his past steroid abuse and general behaviour around the house now, or the relationship with his mother? if I read your post correctly, she seems to be stealing your friends?

Claire_A87

I'm sorry OP but as others have said, this post is far too lengthy to try and advise on everything. Plus I'm not totally sure what you want advice on? Could you clarify?

The one thing I will say is from a social perspective when you talk about her stealing your friends, you only discuss either joint friends or your partners friends - do you not have your own circle of friends that you see away from your partner and rest of your family? It wouldn't be very healthy for you to not have a social life outside of your relationship or family. It sounds as if you're caught in this tiny bubble of family and home, and perhaps broadening your time outside of this may make the MIL situation seem easier, or perhaps give you the space to work out how to deal with it.

Errata

Looks like a barrow full of problems; prioritise them and decide what you are going to do to sort them out. one by one. Although TBH "She nicks our friends! " sounds utterly bizarre.

HelpNeeded15

Iam terribly sorry I've rambled but I thought it would be better to share a bigger picture? And I've been stressed out lately so it probably looks baffling.
I take no offence at all.
The problem does lie with hubby not communicating and brushing things under the carpet at times, hides his emotions or any concerns.
I do have friends of my own To which I go out with, she's also tried to befriend them on fb and make out she's a great grandmother when she hardly has much to do with the boys?
She's also invited herself on girly nights out to which I find ok for big get together including my family etc but not for girly nights for people half her age? I wouldn't feel comfortable as we can have some funny relationship discussion which I wouldn't feel ok with discussing in front of her?
Some things in the last she has done or said to me but not in front of my husband to see. It's like she can't be happy for us? I know this upsets hubby but he won't say anything to her?
I'd rather people be honest and I just don't want to be made out to be a cow bag to go out with my own friends and not feel the need to invite her but I don't want any awkwardness between us to make things worse.


Hubby has his friends including her partner, I have my friends, then we have a couple we like to do things with such as have them round for dinner and go on holiday with.

HelpNeeded15

I just wanted advise on do I talk to my hubby about his mum being sometimes inappropriate or do I just leave it and go about my own buisness? I feel I should be able to talk to him about anything? He says we are soul mates and best of friends but surely if someone in my family made him feel how I have, I'd be saying something.

Hermia

HelpNeeded15 wrote: »

She's also invited herself on girly nights out to which I find ok for big get together including my family etc but not for girly nights for people half her age? I wouldn't feel comfortable as we can have some funny relationship discussion which I wouldn't feel ok with discussing in front of her?

As someone else said do you not have your own circle of friends? Is she able to invite herself because she knows the same people or because you are writing about every detail of your life on Facebook? I don't tell my relatives every little thing about my social life. Can you not just arrange a night out, but not broadcast to everyone. If your husband blabs then don't tell him all the details either. If all your friends are family friends I would advise you to expand your social circle. It's a good idea to get away from family sometimes and be able to chat freely.

Errata

hubby not communicating and brushing things under the carpet at times, hides his emotions or any concerns.

You and he have serious communication problems. Nothing will get sorted out until he opens up and is honest with you; you will never know where he stands on anything until he does.

HelpNeeded15

But how can I get him too? I don't know how to do this? I've tried calming saying come on let's have a chat. I can't back him into a corner and I wouldn't do this. X