I need advice on mil and husband?

thorsoak

For heaven's sake, if you don't want your mother in law hanging out with you and your friends, don't publicise your social life on facebook!

Then tell your best friend - in confidence - that you and your mother in law have had a falling out, and you'd rather not socialise with her - so include you out of any arrangements that might include her. You shouldn't have to elaborate on that - just say that you don't wish to enlarge upon things.

HelpNeeded15

It hasn't just been through Facebook I'm not that daft, like I say I don't put things on there. She tends to quiz his friends and him/myself separately. I don't like lying to anybody but I feel she wants in on everything going on?
Like my bday approaching she's already sort of dropped a hint to me? And I just said I don't know yet what I'm doing? And I left it at that.
It's hard as I saw this woman as a friend and not just my mil for a long time and after what happened I saw her in a totally different light and she wasn't caring or nice to me at all, I however acted completely normal and was friendly to her whenever she did contact.
I want to keep her at arms length but not In a nasty vindictive way it's not me! I tend to get on with anyone and have a laugh and joke. That's one of the reasons hubby says he loves me. I'm not one for stirring trouble and playing with people's heads. I just want a happy marriage n kids and for us also to all enjoy life together and apart doing what we want and have no regrets. It doesn't help that all his side if the family all fall out every five minutes and try and involve you in all the drama and we are not willing to entertain it anymore.
He's even said they are all nuts and not like my family.
It's like he knows what's going on and at times he said you know what she's like! And other times it's I'm not bothered but you can see it's bothering him.
I live him to his man cave when he gets like that.

duchy

I think you're right and he told her all sorts of nonsense when you were apart - and most Mothers will see the best in their sons and be blind to their faults (and odd steroid driven behavour)

You can't change her -you can just change your reaction . "Poor old dear hasn't any real friends so trys to muscle in on mine" rather than "She's stealing my friends" Realistically your friends will on the whole be polite for your sake and tolerate her -and may very well be assuming you are OK with her joining you and putting up with her for your benefit.

LannieDuck

Why is it ok for your group of friends to socialise with OH's step-Dad, but it's not ok for them to socialise with his Mum?

What does she do while step-dad's down the pub with OH and his friends? Sit at home by herself? Is it possible she's a bit lonely?

Hermia

LannieDuck wrote: »

Why is it ok for your group of friends to socialise with OH's step-Dad, but it's not ok for them to socialise with his Mum?

What does she do while step-dad's down the pub with OH and his friends? Sit at home by herself? Is it possible she's a bit lonely?

That is a good point and given the mum is in her 40s she may genuinely not realise she is not wanted. After all, it's not that unusual to see female friendship groups featuring women from their 20s-40s. My 40-something friends all seem to be far more trendy than me!

If the mum has some interests it would be an idea to encourage her to join groups related to those, but given the OP's current relationship with her that might be hard to do.

chocolate.buttons

One thing that crossed my mind when reading your post was that perhaps she tries to tag along to your social occasions because she is lonely? (same thought - LannieDuck!)

Would you consider arranging to meet up (either on your own with her or with OH too)? By giving her social time with you and your family she might back off from muscling in on your time with friends, because she might feel more content with the time she would then be spending with you?

This also allows you to take more control over what you might do when meeting up (whether you'd want her to come round to yours or meet elsewhere etc etc) and you can choose what you'd like to tell her about stuff going on in your life - she might be less inclined to ask around for the details from others if she feels like you've shared them with her already..?

Just a thought. Good luck.

coolcait

HelpNeeded15 wrote: »

.....

His mum came to see me n the kids and as she was close to me I wanted to voice my concerns, I got out all the viles [vials of steroids] and nearly 200-250 needles I found her reaction was "I'm not shocked at all but I'm not happy it's around the kids" . I was screaming inside! And I said if this was my son I would be giving him the riot act injecting carp into his system and wrecking his family/marriage.


You criticised her parenting skills.
...
His mum the whole time he was at hers didn't talk about the problem and repeatedly put things on fb such as. "Love having my family under one roof" very hurtful to me and the boys.


I'd consider it a plus that she didn't advertise her son's steroid addiction to everyone on Facebook. Instead she put an inane family comment. Did you want to have your boys under the same roof as your OH while he was coming off the steroids?

At first she told me he's not happy move on so I told her she was deluded as we'd bought a house together not even 4 months previous!!!


You told her she was deluded. Add that to having criticised her parenting skills.

Fast forward to now, she doesn't visit or hardly come to see the home we've built together ... it's like she tries to avid coming around.


I wonder why...?

Is this cause she lost her house, and now in council rented and has gotten jealous? I don't turn my nose up as we've lived in council but I don't think we are better than anyone else. We are proud we managed to buy in the middle of a recession and grafted for our future.


Or maybe it's because you've hurled some pretty big insults at her, and haven't recognised the work she put into helping your OH get off the steroids (the fact that she managed not to be shocked about the addiction might have helped with that)

She nicks our friends!
Hubby just says I'm not bothered or leave her to it?
Last year she and her partner have started going around to hubby's best mans house and his partners for tea!? She sees them more and they live two towns away, we live four streets away!


Her circle of friends overlaps with yours. Your husband accepts this fact. You see it as her 'nicking your friends'. You don't appear to give any thought to your friends' choices abut who they socialise with.

...
She's invited us and [friends] to a night out? Like some couples date night thing which in y head is what friends do and not necessarily with your mil?


No, it's a night out with mutual friends. The 'couples date night thing' is your interpretation.


Just recently our friend has said they feel awkward as mil and her partner have invited them around for dinner? Not us. Well we haven't had dinner at theirs for three years.


If they feel awkward because they don't want to spend time with another couple, then they politely decline the invitation. If they feel awkward because they'd love to accept the invitation, but are afraid of offending you, reassure them that you're not offended. (If true)

...
I just don't get it, I don't know if she actually likes me or tolerates me. Do you actually like her or tolerate her?
I need advise on how to deal with her, or talk to my hubby as he either says leave it it's nothing I don't know why it's bothering you? Or just leave it and keep her separate from my life and just see her as mil and nothing more and nothing less.


So, you can communicate with your husband. You just don't like the answers he's giving you.

...

It's only recently she's started talking to me and not being awkward with me. That's a start. Build on it by inviting her round to see the boys, and then the issues in the next paragraph might sort themselves out too.
She's gone two months not seeing the boys and still my hubby says hardly anything and she rings him nearly everyday!!! Sometimes she says "give the boys a cuddle for me" He has said at times "come n do it yourself?" lol but she makes excuses up? Like she's turned or due gas to go somewhere?

...

HelpNeeded15 wrote: »

...
It's my bday coming up this month, we are off out to a soul night, all my friends are going and bringing a friend and one is bringing her mum, my mum will be at the bar already but with her own friends and I haven't told mil any plans.
...

Your slightly garbled posting style has hidden some important facts about your interactions with your MIL.


It has also obscured the fact that you don't have a problem with the idea of socialising with older women/mums. You just don't want to spend time with your MIL.

HelpNeeded15

I only told her she was deluded because she said some pretty nasty things to me and she was blinded by the fact he was taking something that clouded his mind. He's admitted this to me and to his mum.

I didn't have a problem before as we were close, I don't feel I can be as close again. I've tried on many occasions for her to her involved with the kids she's been saying for over a month now she will take them out and has told them this, nothing has materialised? And this is a visit to the local FREE farm that we live 2 miles away from.

She's shown no interest on how her son has managed to finish off the house and changes the subject and makes excuses to not come round.

When she put repeated remarks on fb, my reaction was why put anything as she knew it would get back to me.
She has said before she misses having her little boy at home, we moved out years ago and of anything he said he hated being back at home, as she sat on fb all day didn't do anything and dinner wasn't cooked till 10pm for no reason? Washing wasn't done as she couldn't be bothered to do it, her oh works and he was doing what he could but all she could think about was being on fb. Hubby also told me she hardly tried to find out what's wrong and just left him too it and joked about normal things.
I met him at the surgery to see if he was interested for the boys sake to come off and have a clear head, I'm glad he did as he came out with the what have I done face?
His aunt also told me to keep my distance as she knows what she's like and told me a few things about her past tht I haven't repeated to him as he will be gutted. (His mum wasn't sure who his dad was) and that she played games with him and his dad didn't know what to believe.
I feel bad for my husband cause all he's known is the front door left wide open, people coming and going <same now, violence, drugs, weapons and someone close to the family was grooming him but already got to his uncle.
Hence why he said to his mum "your carp really aren't you? Letting kids go missing from the age of 4" because she's too wrapped up in other things. Kids are my top priority.
I apologised to her for calling her that but felt she wasn't dealing with the real problem? I got no apology back but I've carried on like usual around her even when she was being awkward infront of me. And my husband has seen me as the bigger person, so I feel instead she is trying another tactic?

I feel I also can't invite her as a friend of my mums is coming and they don't get on, they've known each other for 30 years and has told me to keep her at arms length because she knows what she's like.

As for friends she does have her own friends, she meets up once a week with one and goes to the cinema or out for a meal or to hers for a cup of tea, and the other out on a night out probably twice a month.
However this is more than me, I go out once a month if not less (a bar or pub) if not to my friends on a Friday night twice a month.
She has more of a social life than me and my hubby, which is great.
I have realised I need to take a step back because I felt like I could trust her and I've never fell out with any of my friends but she said some horrible things to me which I'm trying to forget about.

I still like her but I don't want to be hurt by her again.

I'd of thought spending time with her grandsons was more if a priority?

ViolaLass

If you don't like her any more, why are you so worried about causing trouble? Just grow a pair, tell her you don't want her there for your birthday, accept that she can socialise with your friends if they are willing (you don't own them) and move on!

z.n

Hi OP- a different perspective which may be well off target. But ....

You sound like a fantastic Mum and I bet your two boys are doing just great. You also sound like someone who likes to get along with other people without too much drama. Your focus on your family and building a happy home suggest these are your priorities and that you can compromise on your own wants (not needs) to keep the ship sailing. You don't like drugs and feel you are entitled to respect and care from your loved ones. You want the best for your family, but do not feel the need to control everything they do. You don't want to be mean or unkind to anyone.

Sorry for the long list and possible assumptions made. One more assumption- your MIL is the exact opposite of you on all these.

Ultimately that is probably why your DH picked you. She sounds a bit unstable frankly and your DH is probably looking for 'normal.'

Unlike some of the other posters I would be very wary of allowing MIL to babysit and indeed would reduce contact as much as socially possible. If she wants to see you or the children let her come round at a mutually agreed time (eg lunch) to see you all as a family. If you don't push for it you will not have to make an issue out of it as it sounds like she will not make the effort herself. You cannot change who she is by trying to be nicer to her- your duty is to your family and especially your children. If having her around stresses you out, that stresses the children and makes arguments between you and hubby. Not good.

Don't bad-mouth her to her son. She is his mother and it sounds like their relationship is not straightforward. It may be that some damage has been done and that talking it through with a therapist would be a good idea- either together or for your hubby. He may need to wean himself away over time- it is very hard giving up on the idea of a loving mum/grandma.

Google narcissistic mother- it may ring some bells.