Assertiveness

moneyistooshorttomention

Lily-Rose wrote: »

Wow, how annoying. I have a friend who goes to Church once or twice a month and SHE says that she keeps getting badgered by 4 or 5 Church members to join in all sorts of stuff, and she says it wears her down, almost to the point of not wanting to go.

She says 'why can't they just understand that I just want to go to Church? WHY must they badger me constantly to join in with every Church activity and every group?' As you said, it doesn't make you any less of a Christian if you don't join in with every Church activity!

And as for the woman and the number swapping fiasco! :eek:

I agree with Mojisola! What that woman did was not acceptable, and was VERY manipulative. What on earth did she think she was trying to do?! The majority of people I know - including me - would NOT be happy with this.

As Mosijola said, the other woman (whose number your wife had,) was probably as stressed about it as your wife was!

For "church" insert word of choice for any social group going. In any social group there will be people who just want the "basics" (eg of going to church service a couple of times a month and that's that) and there will be others who would like "spin-off activities". So, for every person saying "I wish they'd stop asking me to spin-off activities", there's possibly another person saying "Arent there any spin-off activities? If there are...then why is no-one inviting me to them? Doesn't my face fit or something?" and feeling ignored.

This again is where "direct speaking" by all concerned helps and those not wanting them just say they don't in a direct fashion. On the other hand those who do want them have the chance to say that they do and go off to them as well.

Mojisola

Peter333 wrote: »

The problem lies when people are persistent. My wife goes to Church a couple of times a month, and she is continually asked to get involved in the flower-arranging, the tea rota, cleaning the Church, visiting homes to 'spread the word of Jesus,' and doing the collection of money from people and so on...

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

For "church" insert word of choice for any social group going.

This again is where "direct speaking" by all concerned helps and those not wanting them just say they don't in a direct fashion. On the other hand those who do want them have the chance to say that they do and go off to them as well.

As Peter says - when people don't take on board that you have said no multiple times, it can become a nuisance.

For any newcomer to a group, it's nice to be asked if you would like to join in as it can be hard to get involved otherwise.

While some people do just want to turn up on the day, it's worth remembering that the church/WI group/etc only functions because other members do give up their time to make it happen.

While there's no need to get caught up in the spin-off activities, it helps the group to function if as many members as possible share the necessary work.

snowleopard61

For me the solution to situations such as those Peter333’s wife has experienced was just not to go to church – too easy for people there to guilt-trip you into other involvement in a way people really can’t in any other sphere of life.

On a related topic, I have a dread and loathing of being taken unawares by unannounced callers – to be honest I’m not actually terribly sociable! - and have “dropped” friends and acquaintances who are apt to do it (fortunately I have never known anyone as thick-skinned as the OP’s friend/associate and it’s not been difficult for me to withdraw subtly). I suppose assertiveness would have been a more positive way of dealing with it, but it worked for me.

OP, do you actually like/want to see this person at all – i.e. is it just that the occasion is inconvenient, or does it really not matter if you never have contact again? If the latter, maybe it’s worth just being blunt.

Lily-Rose_3

Mojisola wrote: »

As Peter says - when people don't take on board that you have said no multiple times, it can become a nuisance.

For any newcomer to a group, it's nice to be asked if you would like to join in as it can be hard to get involved otherwise.

While some people do just want to turn up on the day, it's worth remembering that the church/WI group/etc only functions because other members do give up their time to make it happen.

While there's no need to get caught up in the spin-off activities, it helps the group to function if as many members as possible share the necessary work.

I appreciate this, but the fact is that if I were in a group or social gathering, and I was being asked to give up 5-8 hours of my week to help with the running of the group, I would leave.

snowleopard61 wrote: »

For me the solution to situations such as those Peter333’s wife has experienced was just not to go to church – too easy for people there to guilt-trip you into other involvement in a way people really can’t in any other sphere of life.

On a related topic, I have a dread and loathing of being taken unawares by unannounced callers – to be honest I’m not actually terribly sociable! - and have “dropped” friends and acquaintances who are apt to do it (fortunately I have never known anyone as thick-skinned as the OP’s friend/associate and it’s not been difficult for me to withdraw subtly). I suppose assertiveness would have been a more positive way of dealing with it, but it worked for me.

OP, do you actually like/want to see this person at all – i.e. is it just that the occasion is inconvenient, or does it really not matter if you never have contact again? If the latter, maybe it’s worth just being blunt.

OMG Snow leopard! Me too! I hate it with a flaming PASSION when people turn up without warning. I know this woman who lives 15 minutes walk from me (thankfully far enough away) who keeps asking me and my husband to go out with them and to go to their house for 'nibbles and wine,' or just for a chat, and we have been several times, but when we are on our way out, she says 'so shall we meetup NEXT weekend?!' We say we will let her know, and then make up an excuse why we can't meet for another month!

Well, SHE has called 5 times unannounced, in the last 3 months! On 4 of those times I have not answered the door. Luckily, we have a garage to hide the car, and I can see her coming, and I can see her at the door too, (but she can't see me!)

When I don't answer, she starts ringing me on my mobile, when she is at my door! So I have started switching it off when I see her coming, until she has gone. She rings to find out where I am. A few times, she and her husband have caught us unawares, and said 'we will only stop a few minutes' and they stay for an hour!

I hate people coming without warning, because 9 times out of 10 it's inconvenient. My husband works different shifts and sometimes works from home, and I get tired because of my chronic illness, and sometimes just like to sit on the couch watching telly, and sometimes I am busy, and sometimes we have plans, and sometimes we are on our way out! I HATE people coming around anyway, but when it's unannounced, I hate it even more!

snowleopard61

Lily-Rose wrote: »

I know this woman who lives 15 minutes walk from me (thankfully far enough away) who keeps asking me and my husband to go out with them and to go to their house for 'nibbles and wine,' or just for a chat, and we have been several times, but when we are on our way out, she says 'so shall we meetup NEXT weekend?!' We say we will let her know, and then make up an excuse why we can't meet for another month!

Well, SHE has called 5 times unannounced, in the last 3 months! On 4 of those times I have not answered the door. Luckily, we have a garage to hide the car, and I can see her coming, and I can see her at the door too, (but she can't see me!)

When I don't answer, she starts ringing me on my mobile, when she is at my door! So I have started switching it off when I see her coming, until she has gone. She rings to find out where I am. A few times, she and her husband have caught us unawares, and said 'we will only stop a few minutes' and they stay for an hour!

Oh dear ... sounds a bit like something out of a sitcom, as long as you're not the person suffering. Commiserations!

Lily-Rose_3

snowleopard61 wrote: »

Oh dear ... sounds a bit like something out of a sitcom, as long as you're not the person suffering. Commiserations!

I know right! :rotfl:

Like Victor and Margaret Meldrew in One Foot in the Grave, with their 'friends' Ronnie and Mildred. :eek:

snowleopard61

Lily-Rose wrote: »

I know right! :rotfl:

Like Victor and Margaret Meldrew in One Foot in the Grave, with their 'friends' Ronnie and Mildred. :eek:

That's exactly what I had in mind! :rotfl:

missprice

Peter333 wrote: »

Still, it's annoying that people should have to make an excuse or give a reason, and can't just say no. My wife constantly makes excuses and gives reasons. And like I said, it doesn't help when people are persistent! Like the person the OP was on about. Maybe people DO feel the need to makes excuses, in case the other person DOES just ask 'why not?!'


Ha ha, good point! This silly idea of the woman at Church, probably stressed the other woman out too!

Some people see the excuse as a hurdle to be conquered. If no excuse given, the no hurdle to be conquered.
So the more reasons given, the more some people feel the need to find a way round.
Plus tone of voice and ways of saying no can convey much.
Watch/listen to people who are walked all over, watch/listen to people who just say no.

Now for me in almost any part of my life, I can just say no and no one ever asks more than once why not. Even when they ask, they are told simply that I can't.
With the right tone of voice no one asks why.

Eta I would never have given out my phone number to 'silly woman in church' in the first place.

moneyistooshorttomention

In fairness to the "asker" here (ie the one wanting the visit), it may genuinely be that they believe whatever "excuse" is given as to why not and may think they are being helpful in trying to think up ways the visit can happen.

Would-be visitor = How about 3pm for a visit
OP = I'm afraid we are busy then with x in the afternoon.
Visitor = Okay, how about that evening then?
OP = I'm afraid we're going out to see y
Visitor = Okay then...lets make it Sunday morning then....

If the conversation goes along similar lines to that, then it may actually be the case that "would-be visitor" genuinely thinks OP is a rather busy person and, offered enough "time slots" will find one they aren't busy for.

Sometimes a penny takes a while to drop for some people and would-be visitor might genuinely think they are coming up with helpful alternative suggestions as to when a visit can happen. If OP is using the words "Sorry" or "I'm afraid......" in their reply for instance then that might well be why would-be visitor keeps offering alternative times.

Thistle-down

My DH and I have made up excuses for years about why we couldn't do this or that... family, neighbours, etc., not wanting to hurt any feelings but also dreading having to go to the event. Covering our tracks to make sure we weren't caught out. Last year DH said he'd had enough and was just going to tell the truth.

Whenever anyone asks about going out or doing something we really don't want to do, he says "please don't take it personally but I am an unsociable b*****d. Thank you kindly for the invite, but the answer is no."

It's been such a relief to tell it like it is. We did have one couple who would not give up, but after three times of "No, thank you" they finally stopped asking.

You only have to be brave once, after that it gets much easier. Now we can both turn down unwanted invites/suggestions/favours/etc. without a hesitation. No one has disowned us, a couple of people have said they wished they had the guts to do the same thing.

The thing to remember is that this is your life, these people have no power over you unless you give it to them. Life is precious and you should spend it with the people you love doing things that are important to you, not hiding behind the couch in case so-and-so peeks through the window.

Good, thick curtains are also important.