Assertiveness

Brighton_belle

sneekymum wrote: »

Which is a shame. Because wouldn't the world be a much better place if it was?

Edit - I just remembered where I heard that -
"Our prime purpose in this life is to help others" - Dalai Lama XIV

But perhaps she is helping them the most by saying no: perhaps their life would become better by understanding other people have legitimate needs not to be harried and exhausted by the demands of others?
Or perhaps by saying no, she is helping her husband/others?

ERICS_MUM

Helping people when they need or would appreciate help/support/friendship is one thing and something we should all aspire to.

Being nice and putting your own arrangements aside for other people's whims based on their convenience is indulging them - fair enough if you want do it, for example very good friends or family. I don't think you should "give in " because others expect or assume you will.

Person_one

Jagraf wrote: »

That's what I don't understand. Why does someone want to visit when they know its an inconvenience.

Well, they must like you and want to see you! Do you not get chance very often? Is this a rare opportunity as they're travelling through your area?

Of course, you don't have to see them if you don't want to and its not convenient, but I'm sure they aren't doing it maliciously just to annoy you and put you out.

belfastgirl23

I'd turn the tables as Eric's Mum says and say 'oh that's a shame we have plans then but if you fancy making it a few hours later/earlier we'd definitely be in'. Then if they start questioning you, question them back, well why can't you come later/earlier...at least that way you'll feel the blame is shared...

Arthog

Read The Curse of Lovely by Jaqui Marson - How To Break Free From The Demands Of Others and Learn To Say No.


The Dalai Lama was wrong on this one - our aim in life is to maintain a balance which is fair to everyone.

Peter333

My wife has a similar issue with assertiveness, but she is a lot better than she used to be, and does find it a bit easier to say no, but like many people, she always feels like she needs to give a reason for saying no!

But I have to say that no amount of 'role-playing' or assertiveness training can make someone assertive, if they're not that way inclined.

The problem lies when people are persistent. My wife goes to Church a couple of times a month, and she is continually asked to get involved in the flower-arranging, the tea rota, cleaning the Church, visiting homes to 'spread the word of Jesus,' and doing the collection of money from people and so on...

In addition, she gets several Church members who are there ALL the time, and involved in EVERYTHING, continually asking her to come to the fellowship group, house group, second Wednesday group, and all sorts of things. She has said no repeatedly, saying that she is quite happy simply to come to Church, and she is kind of tied up and a bit busy some weeks, and if she took on anything else, she wouldn't be able to guarantee that she would always turn up.

She doesn't work many hours, and they assume she has loads of spare time. Maybe she does have some weeks, but she wants to do what SHE wants to do, and not be harangued by people to take on 'tasks,' and join in everything. She said the woman who runs the fellowship group AND 'House group' asked her again at Church last week if she wants to come to 'House Group;' my wife has said no at least six times. She doesn't understand why people don't 'get' that she just wants to go to Church a couple of times a month, when it suits her.

You can be a good Christian, without getting involved in everything in the Church. My wife does many things which shows what a good person she is, and people involved in every Church Group and Church activity, are no better than her.

Also, she said that at Church the other week, one woman got everyone to put their names into a hat, and pull a name out, and whoever's name you pull out; you have to ring that person and meet them for coffee. (Cringe.) She means well, but most people don't want to do this; they want to simply go to Church when it suits them, and not be coerced into friendships.

My wife said that a few people looked a bit wary of it, and not keen. She picked out a name, and number, and barely knows the woman, and even though it was 30th December, she has not rung her yet. She said it's putting her off going to Church tomorrow, because she will have to explain why she hasn't rung this woman! All because of some pushy woman trying to make people make friends! #awkward. She said she couldn't say no, as she was put on the spot. And as I said, many others looked like they weren't keen too! She is hoping the woman whose number she got, doesn't mention it when she sees her!

themull1

The older i get, the easier it is to say no.

tooties

Oh gosh
I thought i was the only person on the planet who was like this.

I try but always seem to give in to others and usually end up making myself miserable.

Recently i have been finding myself staying in to avoid conflict.

However, i feel better knowing that i am not alone in this.

Regards

Mojisola

Peter333 wrote: »

My wife has a similar issue with assertiveness, but she is a lot better than she used to be, and does find it a bit easier to say no, but like many people, she always feels like she needs to give a reason for saying no!

But I have to say that no amount of 'role-playing' or assertiveness training can make someone assertive, if they're not that way inclined.

It may never become easy but it will become easier if you practice saying no, especially if you combine it with exercises to promote your selfworth.

The problem lies when people are persistent. My wife goes to Church a couple of times a month, and she is continually asked to get involved in the flower-arranging, the tea rota, cleaning the Church, visiting homes to 'spread the word of Jesus,' and doing the collection of money from people and so on...

If people won't accept no as no and realise that you mean it, a different church may be the answer.

Also, she said that at Church the other week, one woman got everyone to put their names into a hat, and pull a name out, and whoever's name you pull out; you have to ring that person and meet them for coffee. (Cringe.) She means well, but most people don't want to do this; they want to simply go to Church when it suits them, and not be coerced into friendships.

My wife said that a few people looked a bit wary of it, and not keen.

And, if any one of those people had said no, the others would probably have chimed in. It's very manipulative for the woman to do it this way. It should have been discussed and those willing to get involved be given the opportunity to put their names forward.

Would your wife find some strength from asking herself whether she would do to someone else what is being done to her? If she knows that she wouldn't, it would be easier to say no.

moneyistooshorttomention

Mojisola wrote: »

Broken record - "Sorry, can't manage it", "Sorry, can't manage it", "Sorry, can't manage it".

After the first couple of repetitions, change the subject.

If they keep coming back to it "Look at the time! Can't talk any longer. Bye!"

Mojisola has obviously also done an assertiveness training course then:rotfl:. I recall that "broken record" technique.

That is THE one thing I recall from that and, even if that is all I took from it, it has proven a lifesaver on a couple of occasions. Those occasions were MUCH more "drastic" instances of someone trying to get their way than this. On one occasion I had to repeat the message about 12 times in a row before it worked (that was an attempt to get me to give in sexually)...but it did work. There was another occasion, in a very different context, where I had to repeat the message several times (I was counting to myself....) and it "got through" to the other person eventually and they gave up (that was a case of an attempt to intimidate me and was real "eyeball to eyeball" nasty stuff).

I'm surprised this person is still trying, as I would have taken the view that "Well...what is the point of carrying on trying to see someone who obviously doesn't want to see me? Why would I want to see someone who doesn't want to see me anyway?" and would do something else instead.