My husband isn't welcome at his father's funeral

Corelli

It's a long story and I don't expect advice, just need to vent a bit.

When my husband was just a boy his father left his wife and family for another woman who eventually became his wife.

The split was very acrimonious and handled very badly, and has had lasting effects on my husband and his sister.

My husband tried a few times since we got together to make contact and see his father, but the father seemed very ambivalent about this and as far as we knew he was following the wishes of his new wife in refusing to see my husband. But possibly he was also afraid of meeting up with his son who was angry about being deserted as a child.

Roll forward many years, my SIL who has been in contact with the father passed on a message that the father wanted to see my husband and our children. This was at the end of 2014. As our daughter was here, and the children were curious about the grandfather they had never seen they went to visit. They all thought the visit went fairly well, as much as something like that can but we afterwards heard that the father and his wife were mortally offended by my husband. Really upset. He could only assume that it was because he would not call his father 'Dad' as he felt that his father hadn't earned that title.

Perhaps he was also a little overly direct in asking his father how much longer he had when told that he had asbestosis. We've checked with the children (adult daughter who lives out of the country, son of 16) who have both been very definite that their own father did nothing out of order.

Now, the father has died. My husband has had mixed feelings about going to the funeral but tonight a message was passed on to him that he would not be at all welcome at the funeral, although he has found out where and when it will be. He had been wondering if as eldest son he should have been a pall bearer, it is a family that takes traditional roles and responsibilities very seriously.

He thinks perhaps it would be good to go for himself, to finally put an end to the chapter of his life. An end to the 'Will my father see me? Will I gain any peace of mind from hearing his side of the story?' questions he has had on and off for decades.

But we're not sure how public a cremation is. I've googled and all I've found is that a service is open to the public unless it has been requested that the event is closed. The last thing he wants to do is for there to be arguments at a funeral. But he also doesn't want to be discarded like an embarrassment from the past and refused the opportunity to be there.

I too am not sure about attending. Our son was going as support and I was going to drive our side of the family there, my SIL and MIL but wasn't sure about going in myself. I'm too bitter, I have lived with the consequences of this man's actions for nearly 40 years and have no happy memories, and would find it hard to keep quiet when the other relatives on that side of the family were going on about what a good bloke he was. But now, if my husband does decide to go I will offer to go into the service with him and keep my mouth zipped, whatever is said.

Late night rant over. Thanks for reading, if any one did.

globalds

I didn't go to my fathers funeral ..We never got along, I saw no point in going to say farewell to someone I never had any fond memories of .

I really can't see why you would want to go to a place you are not welcome .
Let those who want to have their day of respect have it .

suki1964

Hell, I never even knew my dad had died until 4 years later ( and only found out because of my job at the time)

Your husbands dad died many years ago to your husband. He should have grieved then. But it seems he hasn't and now he needs to grieve

However I don't think the funeral will be the time and place. Hubby needs to be able to talk freely without fear of judgement, about his real feelings. And I'm kind of guessing that because his family have to be seen to do the right thing,that's really kind of hard for him

Tbh, if I were hubby I wouldn't attend. I would sort out my own feelings in my own time, with the support of my chosen family.

I personally found the need to find my dad's grave a few years back. So I did. And it was with great restraint I didn't dance over it.

He may have been my father , but for all he ever gave me in love and support, he may as well have been a sperm donor


I wish your husband the strength to get through the " I should do" and get into the " what I want to do"

Torry_Quine

This isn't easy for him as he's grieving for the father he never had while trying to decide what to do for the best.

No-one on here can really advise as we all have our own opinions, the only thing I will say is that if he goes he needs to prepare himself that it may not go how he wants.

Soleil_lune

Ooooh tricky one. If it were me, and the father had been a useless lump for many years, I simply wouldn't go. Especially as the family sound so rude and hostile.

It is up to your husband though. If he WANTS to go, then the extended family have no right to tell him that he cannot go.

I bet if he doesn't go, he will be slagged off for that, but will be slagged off if he DOES go.

I don't envy him. I feel really sorry for him.

Savvy_Sue

Corelli wrote: »

He had been wondering if as eldest son he should have been a pall bearer, it is a family that takes traditional roles and responsibilities very seriously.

Sorry, but the traditional role and responsibilty IMO is that husbands stay with their wives, fathers support their children. So someone's blown that out of the water, and it's not your DH.

IF he decides he wants to go, I think he should go as a member of the public, slip in at the back at the last minute, and slip away again without engaging with the family. However that can be tricky at a cremation because they tend to have a one way system: you go in at the back and out at the front, so as not to run into the funeral coming in next.

And yes, he can expect to hear people say good things about his father, and quite probably, by the sound of it, no reference to his part in his father's life.

Which could be very hard.

Hermia

Personally I would not go. I imagine he might just end up getting upset and it won't resolve anything. There are presumably also innocent members of his new family who will have to pick up the pieces if the new wife gets upset or if your OH says anything. Is there anything else he can do to mark the occasion? When my aunt died my cousin (who had a terrible relationship with her) wrote her a letter which she then burned. She found it surprisingly freeing.

Corelli

Thanks everyone. I didn't expect to come here and find responses, so I am grateful to those who made the effort. It is hard, and not for me to tell him what to do. The idea of an alternative marking of the day with a letter or some other way that feels appropriate to him seems good to me but at the moment he is feeling that he'd like to be there but. Certainly not in any sort of official capacity. Thanks for the heads up about how a crem works, the last time I was in one I was too upset to really notice how the 'crowd control' was done. All I can do is support him in his choice.

Thanks again, people.

TBagpuss

I think he 'one way' thing depends a lot on the specific crematorium and how busy it is. The ones where I have attended services have not been one-way. You could call the crematorium directly and ask, or see whether they have a website. They are likely to be used to people worrying and asking questions. It may also be that there is somewhere your husband could sit which would be out of sight - at the crematorium where my grandmother was cremated there was a small balcony/organ loft - someone up there would not be noticeable to people in the body of the chapel unless they were pointed out or drew attention to themselves.

My experience however has been that there is often someone from the funeral directors who stays outside or at the door to direct people. If your husband does decide he needs to go, then his best bet is probably to speak to that person to say "there's been some famikly issues - I don't want to distract anyone so I'd like to stay at the back and leave just before the end. The funer director may well be able to show himn where to stand/sit and may also be able to give him a nudge just before the end so he can slip out. Parking can get congested so consider parking elsewhere, so you are not stuck in a small car park or 'log jam ' of vehicles.

That said. I personally would advise against going. If his wife doesn't want him there, then I would stay away and, if he wants, do something else to mark his father's passing, whether that is visiting a church and saying some private prayers, spending time with you and his own children and talking about any good memories he has, writing a letter 'to' his dad saying the things he'd like to have said.. whatever he finds helpful or appropriate.

If he is on speaking terms with other family members who are likely to attend, perhaps he could contact one of them and say "Wife has asked me not to come to the funeral and while I would like to, I will be respecting her wishes. I would appreciate it if you could pick up a copy of the order of service for me, and perhaps contact me after the ceremony to let me know how it went" You could also consider sending flowers (you don't have to label them as 'to' anyone , so he can avoid referring to him by name, or using 'dad', and can just say 'Rest in Peace. from Mr Correli and family'
I think, however, that it may be better if you are able to work with him to find a way for him to feel he has said whatever goodbyes he has without attending the service, as i think it he goes, and the widow finds he went, he is going to be the one blamed for any upset, as upsetting a new widow at her husband's funeral is a situation where people are not, generally, going to listen to the other side of the story.

POPPYOSCAR

If he really wants to go he should not go on hearsay that he is not wanted but should contact the family direct and ask if he could attend.


If then the answer is no then IMO he should respect that and stay away as it would not be fair to cause more distress for them on the day.

Pricivius

As someone who was in a very similar situation to your OH, this is a tricky one. I was not asked not to attend, but I was given the wrong details so I would be in the wrong place at the wrong time and I therefore got the distinct impression I was not wanted, but slightly different circumstances.

I went to the funeral. It was very difficult. I was immediately recognised (family resemblance is strong in me!) so whispers and elbow nudging followed. Everyone sung his praises. I kept quiet, maintained a low profile and mourned the father I never knew.

Would I do the same in hindsight? Yes, because I was part of his life and should not be erased from history like I never happened. But it was a very tough day.

Good luck in whatever you decide.